Friday, December 21, 2012

14 weeks

14 weeks and still pregnant! Here's a recap of the past few weeks:

- I did c.vs testing at 12 weeks and the results came back normal. Whew! In case anyone is wondering, I chose to do testing because I believe that information about your pregnancy is power. At my age (38.5) there is much greater risk of there being something I should know about vs. the very small risk of miscarriage from the procedure. Surprisingly I found the procedure to be much easier than an amnio (which i did with baby C).

- I finally had my first appointment at my new obgyn here in my new city. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It is a group practice that has an excellent reputation and was recommended by both the RE here and the perinatologist. Turns out it is the type of group practice where you do not see the same doctor throughout your pregnancy. You are seen by whomever is available Apparently this is a common model these days, but I hope I get used to it. We adored by previous ob and miss him a lot.

- The nausea lifted a week or so ago. Yay! No more puking and my sense of smell/food aversions are much better. I'm not fatigued, although I haven't had a burst of energy yet. My appetite is back. In fact, I want to eat every couple of hours (which is annoying). And I'm craving all kinds of comfort foods.

- I'm getting fat already. I haven't gained much weigh, but things are growing and shifting. I'm in that awkward stage where I look like I have a beer gut.. Nothing cute about it. I'm still wearing my regular clothes, but only certain things fit.

- Now that I am officially in the second trimester, the fact that I am pregnant is starting to sink in. I have definitely been quite guarded and am still anxious as there is still a long way to go. I wish I could feel like a normal pregnant person who had never experienced a later trimester loss or multiple losses. Typically at this point, women feel like they are out of the woods. I'm not nearly as freaked out as I was during pregnancy with my rainbow baby. But I still know the realities of what can happen all to well..Not just from my experience but from other babyloss mamas' stories.

- We have informed our immediate families and are starting to share the news with our closest friends. Although I am optimistic about the outcome, I am cautiously so. I am also extremely extremely grateful for this pregnancy. It still seems hard to believe that it happened and that I've made it to this point.

- For the first time I got to meet a blog friend in real life, which was so cool.We met up along with our little ones. What a unique type of friendship we all share in this community. It is so neat that we have friendships based on mutual compassion. S and I had already been friends for over three years and supported each other throughout fertility treatments, pregnancy loss, pregnancy etc. 

Those are some of the pregnancy highlights from the past few weeks. Like everyone, I've been thinking constantly about the families in Newtow.n, CT. My heart is heavy. 

Thankfully my heart is also warmed by many things to be thankful for, like: the arrival of White.Picket Fence and D.awn's babies!! And baby Raz! Congrats. 

Wishing the best to all on their continued journeys. Sending positive thoughts out there.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

11 weeks

Today marks 11 weeks for me. As far as I know, I am still pregnant. It has been 3 weeks since my last appt and one week to go until my next. I didn't expect to go four weeks between appointments and the lack of reassurance that all is well is starting to weigh on me. My last appt. was with the RE after my surprise BFP. And my new obgyn (who I have not met) could not get me in until 12 weeks since I am a new patient. Sigh. With my pregnancy with Baby C I had ultrasounds every 2 weeks throughout which helped ease my anxiety. I miss my old OB, but not much I can go since I now live in another State.

At 10 weeks, I stopped the pro.gesterone as instructed. Boy do I not miss it! Coincidentally or not, my nausea has eased up considerably since then. Overall I was much more nauseous this go around and now I suppose it was much in part to the medication. However, now that my biggest symptoms are gone I get worried that things might not be going well in utero. Previously morning sickness lasted 14 weeks for me.

I am trying to remain optimistic and remind myself that last time we checked this baby's heart was beating and s/he was developing on track. Then my mind goes to the crazy place and reminds me that was before 10 weeks, when the rate of miscarriage drops. Oh I would have really appreciated an u/s at 10 weeks to know where we stand.

So.. time to stay busy, distracted and positive for the next several days until my next appt.

I am sad to read about a couple of first trimester losses of fellow bloggers this week. I look forward to celebrating the news of a couple of blogger friend's baby's arrivals in the next few weeks!!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

8 weeks

Eight and a half weeks and still pregnant!

Our ultrasound a few days ago showed a gummy bear with a beating heart. Whew!  I'm still as sick as ever. The good thing about that, I suppose, is it's distracting me from worrying about the pregnancy. I feel too sick to think about anything else.

We had some family visiting from out of town recently, so we disclosed our news to them. They kept asking when the due date is. Honestly, I don't know. I haven't been told a date and I haven't calculated one. I can add up the months in my head and get a general timeframe, but I try not to think about it. These are the things we do when we've experienced loss. We are a bit guarded. There's still such a long way to go.

I was released from the RE, which is exciting. Still a couple of weeks to go before the rate of miscarriage drops, however. Before my last RE appointment, I met with a perinatalogist to get one final opinion about l.ovenox. They were firm in their opinion that I do not need it and provided a thorough explanation. I finally have peace of mind with that decision. Hoping for the best.

I was able to get a referral for an obgyn in my new city. It's a women's group- I really hope I like them. I am missing my former ob very much. He was with us throughout it all, and was incredibly sensitive to our anxiety during my second pregnancy (the one after our loss of baby S, which resulted in baby C). He did lots of monitoring, including ultrasounds every two weeks. He also did a great job with my unplanned c-section. I'm not sure if a new ob will put me at ease the way he did, but I hope so. I guess I will find out in a couple of weeks.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

six weeks

When I got my surprise BFP, I immediately contacted the RE that I had consulted with just one week prior in my new city. Crazy to think when we were having that conversation and I left his office feeling dismayed that a surprise pregnancy was in the works. Thankfully, I had met with him and my file was there so I was able to get a prescription for prog.esterone immediately and start monitoring right away.

Betas increased nicely and I went in for my first ultrasound a few days ago. At the six week appointment things were looking good. We even got to see a heartbeat!  We were not expecting that so early. With my 3 other pregnancies we did not see a heartbeat until closer to 7 weeks (one which eventually stopped at 21 weeks and one at 7.5). It is still SO early, and I am very aware that things could change at any moment. Trying to remain cautiously optimistic however!

Morning sickness (well more like all-day sickness) has kicked in full force. This is the worst I have ever felt with pregnancy, which I'm hoping is just a good thing. Whereas before during first trimesters I felt tired and a little bit nauseous all of the time, and very nauseous at times... This time I feel tired and VERY nauseous ALL of the time.  I've also been getting migraines, which is a new not-fun symptom. I'm not complaining over here! Just noting the symptoms and differences. Hoping this pregnancy progresses and I make it to the second trimester and beyond to bring this baby home.

Because we did not do treatments this round, we did not do l.ovenox. Currently I am on prescription prenatal, Fol.gard and baby aspirin. My last RE and this new one had both said that despite the recent finding of autoimmune factors, they didn't think it was necessary. But they were also kind of on the fence- meaning they would prescribe it if we insisted. I am currently not on l.ovenox and this has had me a bit worried. The RE seemed more firm in his belief that I do not need it at my last appointment, and suggested I get one final opinion from a peri.natologist, which I will do next week. The RE gave me a little speech about love.nox being a big deal. Well, my thought it is also a big deal to lose a baby, especially the further along you get in pregnancy.  More than anything I want peace of mind that I am doing what I should to sustain this pregnancy- I would hate for this to end badly and have regrets later.

Friday, October 19, 2012

unexpected (in a very good way!)

Infertility is a wild ride indeed. A few significant events for me to report from this week!...


Early this week I met with a new RE (since we've relocated again. this will be my 3rd clinic & 4th specialist).

We had a thorough discussion of my history ttc, covering the past five-plus years. He had obviously read my thick file in detail (which I so appreciated), he asked me many questions, and provided thorough explanations of my questions to him. His advice for next steps: another sono.hysterogram, new bloodwork, continue current meds (Folgard and B.A.) and plan for IVF w/ICSI & PGD. We don't know how we would pay for all of that. He also drove home two points, which I already knew: 1) time is not on my side (rapidly approaching age 38.5) and 2) my track record of several failed IUIs using IVF strength meds and the result of my IVF (although successful) was not impressive in terms of eggs produced and fertilization.

I left that meeting feeling good about the doctor, but dismayed about the outlook for me pursing more treatments.


October 15th- baby loss remembrance day. When I stop and think about it, it almost still feels hard to believe my loss of Baby C at 21 weeks and that I went through another miscarriage a few months ago. I think of all of the women in this community, the stories of loss and struggle. All of the babies who are missed and loved. All of the hearts that will never be quite the same. Prior to five years ago I didn't know the depth of people's pain and sorrow, nor my own. The support that is shared in this community and the strength of all of the women in it is astounding.


Throughout the past five-plus years (with the exception of cycles where I was doing treatments, was pregnant, or was recovering from loss) we have continued to ttc naturally every month, even though I'd been told long ago that my chances of conceiving this way were 0%. I OPK and follow up with a pregnancy test each time- crazy as it is. I can not count the number of pee sticks and BFNs.

We tried last month and now...

I am pregnant.

In awe.

Grateful to my body for once in a very, very long time. And grateful to the universe.

Scared of all the things that can go wrong.

Guilty thinking of those who need a BFP too.

So many mixed emotions.

Above them all.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Hematologist appointment

Yesterday I met with a hematologist to review my RPL bloodwork results, which came back positive for MTHFR (heterozygous) gene mutation and borderline Protein S Deficiency. I am currently taking the prescribed Folgard (high dose Folic Acid plus vitamins B6 & B12) and Baby Aspirin. Apparently I will be on these for life. Basically I wanted to discuss future treatment if/when pregnant (ie. possible L.ovenox) and talk about these autoimmune disorders in relation to infertility and pregnancy loss.

From what I've gathered talking to two REs, from online research, and from now two hematologists- the medical community does not have clear cut answers about all of this nor a standard protocol about l.ovenox. These issues are not being taken seriously enough. They won't say for certain whether it causes IF or miscarriage... however, a visit to any of the message boards surrounding this topic make it clear that it effects both for many, many people. Either or both of these conditions can wreak havoc on one's body in a number of serious ways. I lost a precious baby boy at 21 weeks because of it. Bottom line was, neither the REs nor Hematologists feel I need to take l.ovenox if pregnant.. however they understand that I may insist on being prescribed it just to be safe. One thing that I did find out about the drug is it is really freaking expensive. Of course, I still need to get pregnant first and that would already cost us a ton of money that we don't have.

I've spent most of the summer feeling pretty down after my last miscarriage. DH and I know we really want another baby, but none of our options are looking very promising... all are very difficult and very expensive. And in the end they don't promise you a baby. I am also starting to feel quite beat down by the cumulative trying/failing/loss etc. I'm one who is a bit prone to depression and anxiety, so I've had some rough days throughout this journey. We've been at this for over 5 years, which is half of our marriage. I have started researching adoption. I know I can love a baby that is not biologically mine and I have always known this. But that path isn't easy either. And in the back of my mind too I know that the time may come soon when I need to accept life as it is and let go of further efforts. For now I am trying to focus on myself and my relationship, which needs some TLC. IF and baby loss take a toll. I'm tired.. but I'm not done trying just yet.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

RPL Bloodwork results- and questions for other RPL folks

After our miscarriage this summer, my RE suggested that I do the battery of blood tests for recurrent pregnancy loss to dig deeper into what might be going on. My first pregnancy in 2008 ended at 21 weeks gestation and this one at 7.5 weeks. We gave birth to our rainbow baby in July 2010. All pregnancies have been the result of fertility treatments, as we have struggled with infertility over the course of 5 years.

After our stillbirth in 2008, we wanted to make sure we were tested for everything under the sun that could have possibly caused a later trimester loss. Everything came back normal at the time and the loss of our son was considered a fluke. The biopsy of the baby that we lost this summer did not yield results.

Evidently the bloodwork for RPL is a broader battery of tests than I had done a few years back following our stillbirth. I now finally have learned that I have a single MTHFR gene mutation as well as low Protein S. I have been prescribed Folgard for MTHFR. My Protein S level has been tested twice over the past few months, and although it is below the normal range- the hematologist who reviewed my paperwork has deemed that I do not have the disorder and therefore would not be prescribed lovenox in a future pregnancy.

Even though the doctors could not give a definite reason for our stillbirth, blood clotting was a strong possibility and in my gut have felt it was the reason. So I guess this news of potential immune issues doesn't shock me- I just wish I knew more about it and wish I knew sooner. With our rainbow baby, I took baby aspirin throughout the pregnancy. However, it was treated more as "it can't hurt" than an actual preventative measure by my doctors. I was told not to bother taking it during this last pregnancy, which was short-lived.

I've just moved to a new state and need to start over with doctors (ugh!). In addition to meeting with a new RE soon I also would like to talk to a hematologist in person about the low Protein S and treatment thereof.

This is new information for me. If anyone out there can offer suggestions, share experiences related to MTHFR and/or low Protein S/Protein S Deficiency as it relates to infertility and baby loss, I would appreciate hearing from you.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

I swear your body remembers

I have been super busy over the past few weeks as we were in the midst of an out-of-state move. Moving is a pain.  However, things have been falling into place with that. Meanwhile, we were traveling and on the move. As ready as a felt to do this move, I have been in the biggest FUNK. You know- when you are just feeling crappy and you don't know why and you can't help it, but you wish you could.

For me when this happens it normally has to do with my cycle- yet somehow at the time I forget this. Then when AF arrives, it's like "no wonder!" No wonder I was in such a crappy mood for no reason! There really was a reason. Somehow for years and years I experience this and every time it feels like a new "Aha!" moment. Anyone else ever feel that way?

This was different though. The funk was lingering. I was in a bad, sad mood wayyyy longer than the usual day or two. Then, it occurred to me...

If I were still pregnant, I would have just rounded the bend of my stillbirth date (21 weeks) and nearing the viability milestone. When I was pregnant in May, I didn't let myself get too exited of course. However, I did note the due date (which would be at Christmas/the new year). I did also mentally note when the first trimester would be complete (right when we would see both of our families last summer). But that was all. Once the miscarriage happened, I wiped those dates from my mind.

But my body remembers.

Has this happened to you after baby loss?

It certainly happened after my first loss. Losing Baby S at 21 weeks left me with an empty womb that ached for that baby to be there. I didn't know what first trimester loss felt like until a few months ago. Would it be different? Easier somehow?

I still carry some grief from this most recent loss. It's not nearly the devastation I went through with a stillborn, and it being my first pregnancy. Not that one matters more than the other, but they are different.

What I didn't expect this time is for my body to remember the baby. I bounced back pretty quickly this time- mentally and emotionally, relatively speaking. However, I now have complete clarity on why I've had a serious case of the blues these past two weeks. It's "what could have been." Again. And oh that would have been nice. Very nice.

I'll be ok though. I'm still fighting this fight. Don't know what my strategy is yet, but I am for certain hanging in.

Sending giant positive thoughts to all of y'all on  your journeys.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

feeling a little all over the place

Since my last post a few weeks ago, my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place.

Recap of my status:
Years ttc overall- 5 years
Fertility treatments- 7 IUIs, 1 IVF
Pregnancies- 3 (all achieved through treatment)
Baby loss- 2 (1 stillbirth @ 21 weeks, 1 miscarriage 7.5 weeks) 
Age- 38

Add all of that up and it's not the most promising picture to achieve another live birth, and most definitely some aggressive and very expensive steps will be required to move forward. We've spent a whole lot of money on this journey so far, and financially we need to take a hard look at our situation. On top of that, being back in the throes of ttc and failing at it over the last 1.5 year has resulted in a gradually growing depression and anxiety. These are issues that I am genetically predisposed to and have faced in the past- usually around times of major change or loss. Following the loss of our first son, I sought therapy and medication. I am starting to realize that my miscarriage back in May has affected me more than I expected. Although it wasn't nearly the devastation and shock I experienced in a second trimester loss, I am feeling the grief longer than I anticipated.

We are about to move out of state, which is a huge change and will also require new doctor(s). Fortunately I I have been able to get a recommendation for an RE in my new town. (Thank you, S!)  At this point we don't have a plan. That probably adds to my feeling vulnerable and somewhat defeated. In fact, I will continue to be on hold for a bit while I await more results from RPL blood testing (much more on that in a new post when I have all the info!), while we deal with the move, and while I focus on my health and try to get my head straight.

I am also noticing the long term affects of infertility. While we are desperate to bring home our first baby, so many things around us are difficult. Once we have a live baby in our arms, a lot of those factors around us do become easier, but they do not go away entirely. In the time that I have been ttc a sibling for toddler C, all of his playmates now how younger siblings or siblings on the way. I still find myself surrounded mostly by fertiles who make naive comments. "Come on, jump on the pregnancy bandwagon!" "You must think we are crazy for have TWO little ones now." Really people? Ladies, if only you had any idea what so many people go through. At times I try to tactfully educate these people- but alas it ends up being seemingly lost on them and is a difficult task for me. 

I've probably been overly emotional lately because of this pending move (leaving friends, the stress of moving etc). But I've cried quite a few times in recent weeks, more than I would care to. I am eternally grateful for my living son. Right now I need to focus my love and attention on him. This journey at times has also taken a toll on my marriage- the stress, the sadness, the expense. I am going to try my best to be at peace right now, be present, be open to possibilites, be grateful, and to love the people around me.

Thoughts, comments?

Monday, July 30, 2012

Sono, bloodwork & relo

I had my sonohys.tiogram today- and thankful no returned polyps and no fibroids. My uterus is looking good. Whew! I had a whole bunch of blood drawn to go through a wider battery of tests in order to dig further for any possible underlying problems. I should have all of the results back in a couple of weeks. I hope they don't find anything. (Not that our losses or IF being "unexplained" is good either).

We just found out that we will in fact be moving out of State very soon- to a new city, where we really don't know anyone. The job opportunity for DH is great, and the location is good. The process of moving sucks as usual though, and now I will have to start over looking for new doctors. Ugh.

We aren't sure what next steps we will take yet, and the options are all difficult & expensive. Right now we are on hold due to the additional tests and now we are delayed due the move. Being on hold is a bit frustrating. Also recently we visited both of our families, and it would have been the time that we would have announced our pregnancy. This is a challenging time right now...Everything feels a little bitter sweet. Hanging on tight to the sweet parts & praying for the universe to conspire in our direction.

Happy to see more hard-fought pregnancies and rainbow babies out there. Sending good thoughts to all!

Friday, June 22, 2012

Post D&C

Thank you very much for the kind thoughts that were sent my way and the supportive comments about my miscarriage. I appreciate you blog friends so much! I was really nice to hear from and *meet* some new blogger friends too. Your words of comfort helped!

It's already been a month since our loss- the last 4 weeks feel like a blur.  I've had so many emotions and thoughts swirling around within me. Although we knew we had a 30% chance of miscarriage, and things were not looking good for us- it was still such a huge disappointment and I did go through a few days of pretty heavy grieving. Even if you don't mean to, you just get your hopes up! Especially after seeing that heartbeat. Sigh.

I'm one month out and went in for bloodwork today and hopefully my hcg level is finally down. The next couple of months we are basically on hold as I will be waiting for AF, and doing some additional testing. With my now 2 losses (first & second trimester) my RE wants to dig further for any possible underlying issues. Time for another sonohystiogram to check for possible new hidden polyps, and another battery of bloodtests. My case is now being treated as RPL.. by definition it has been 3 consecutive losses, but apparently it's changing at many of the clinics to 2 miscarriages overall. My list of categories has grown: infertility, stillbirth, recurrent pregnancy loss.

Where we will go after the next couple of months remains to be seen. What we do know is that despite it all, we still have a lot of room in our hearts to love another baby and will continue our journey to bring another baby home. Which path we take is the question... we will be gathering information on further treatments and would like to become more educated about adoption. As much as I don't want to look at the option, I also have to keep an open mind that at some point soon, we may reach the point where we have tried as hard as we can within reason. For now, that one's on the back burner. In the meantime, I am looking at the bright side of a break from ttc- a couple of months without the 2 ww, the feeling of failure, the disappointment and grief from loss. And I have to gear up for whatever lies ahead.

Oh, to add to the uncertainty and struggle- I just turned another year older! I'm now 38. Also, there is a very high chance that we will be relocating out of state in the very near future.

I am not alone these days- I've read of many losses recently and my heart goes out to everyone. I am also incredibly happy for all the hard fought pregnancies that are moving along out there!

Hugs to everyone.

Friday, May 25, 2012

the dreaded news

We received the bad news this morning at our 8 week appointment... Our little baby's heartbeat is no longer there...

S/he had grown 4 more days since last Friday. At this stage in the first trimester and based on last week's appointment, I can't say I was shocked... but was holding out so much hope.  We tried so hard- and we wanted and love that baby. It's been a long journey overall and we've already dealt with a major loss. We hadn't told anyone the news of our pregnancy yet. Going in for d & c tomorrow. We will be ok, I know that, but for right now my heart aches with sadness.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

going in for u/s & bloodwork Friday (not today)

I moved my next appointment back to it's originally scheduled time, this Friday (2 days away). When I found out about my crappy blood work results at my seven week appt. last Friday, I panicked and had my next appointment moved up to today (Wednesday). I am still nervous, but I have calmed down a bit and moved the back to when the doctor suggested. Initially I was thinking the sooner I know the status of this pregnancy (the bad news) the better. Then I decided that I need to focus my thoughts on that little heartbeat that I saw last Friday and visualize it being there. I'm praying that it's still going, yet I'm scared it's not. So for now, I guess I'd like to hang on to that hope and image for a couple more days before finding anything out.

No cramping or bleeding over the past several days..I've been wearing a liner in anticipation and checking throughout each day. I also can't help but analyze every little thing my body is feeling.. was that cramps? Or gas? No nausea (which I have felt strongly in my past 2 pregnancies). I have had some fatigue, although I'm always pretty tired anyway from running around all day and not enough sleep. My uterus does seem to be pushing out a bit, however progesterone supplements have fooled me in that regard in the past.

I made the mistake of googling about my low hormone levels and of course came across nothing but information pointing to and stories of miscarriage.It has been another long week of waiting. I am trying to keep as busy and distracted as possible. Fingers crossed for Friday that the appointment is good.

Friday, May 18, 2012

7 week update- bloodwork concerns!

Ok, so that excitement was short lived. The nurse called to inform me that my bloodwork today is a concern. My progesterone dropped from 32 to a whopping low15 and estrogen from 690 to 197. FUGG! Also there's the issue with the possible little growth.

My appointment has been moved up from Friday to Wednesday. What a roller coaster. Hoping/praying hard!!

7 week ultrasound

We saw a heartbeat!!! Hooray!  Of course it is still very early in this pregnancy (only seven weeks) but we are so happy to have seen that little heartbeat flickering away!  We even got to hear it too. Thanks so much to those who sent positive thoughts my way.

Remind me if I go through this again to never go in for a first ultrasound before at least 6.5 weeks (even though 6 weeks is the protocol at my RE and plenty of people see heartbeats then). It is stressful not seeing a heartbeat and then waiting a week. This actually happened during my last pregnancy too (except that time after IVF and in the thick of grief it almost gave me a nervous breakdown, so they allowed me to come back after a few days). Anyhoo, I should have known better and just scheduled the first one a few days later.

Although the heartbeat was normal, the baby only measured at 6 weeks 2 days, which is only 2 days further along in growth than an entire week ago. UGH. I'd feel a lot better if the measurement were on track. I'm hoping it is off because it's difficult to measure precisely so early, plus the embryo was up against the uterine wall. My doctor did not seem concerned, but does want to watch closely and scheduled me to come in one week. I'm praying this pregnancy continues.

Has this happened to anyone out there this early on with the measurement being short by several days?? Good or bad, I would be interested to hear the outcome....

Thursday, May 17, 2012

7 week ultrasound tomorrow

I decided to wait until tomorrow, as the doctor suggested, to go in for the ultrasound. It will be seven weeks and we will find out whether or not this little embie has heartbeat. I have been a bit calmer this week than I expected.. I really thought I would have gone in a couple of days ago. It is what it is, I suppose- it's out of my hands.  For now I am pregnant. (Just not sure if it has progressed).  Maybe it's the fear of finding out that I'm not that has allowed me to wait it out a full week. I am hoping and praying that a little heartbeat has developed over the past week. At the same time, I am nervous and realistically do have to brace myself for the possible bad news.

Fingers crossed for a happy ultrasound tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

reflections on mother's day

The topic among mommies around me this week seems to be what everyone did to celebrate mother's day. "Did your family pamper you all day? Were you treated to something special?" Mama friends on f.b. gave big shout-outs to all the moms out there, and essentially to themselves.

Mother's day is special indeed and I am incredibly grateful that I have a living baby to hold on that day. DH kept asking me ahead of time what I wanted to do to celebrate. All I truly wanted was for us to be together. That is all. In the backyard, in our living, doing the things that we usually do on weekend... just enjoying being together. It is a such a honor and privilege to be a mom and for me knowing that is the celebration. Don't get me wrong- I'm not against going to brunch or the spa etc. and believe everyone should celebrate as they wish. (Maybe that is what I will do next year ;)  With baby loss and infertility being part of my life, it is part of my perspective on mother's day as well. 

Three years ago, when I was two years into infertility and few months after the late trimester loss of my son, I was traveling on Mother's day. I was in an airport when a wave of grief and longing came over me. I cried there in the airport- for myself, and for all the parents who struggle to have families or who lose babies.

I think of those people today, and on each mother's day. This past Sunday there were a few moms who I could not stop thinking about-- not me, not my own mom, not my mommy friends.... Recently a couple of the bloggers who I follow have experienced baby loss- one stillbirth and one infant- for the second time around. I just can not wrap my head around their heartbreak and the fact that people have to deal with so much pain. Another childhood friend of mine very recently lost her ten year old daughter to illness. My thoughts were with her all day long.
My hope is that on Mother's day everyone, no matter where in their journey, can find some peace on mother's day. Wishing everyone happiness...

Friday, May 11, 2012

post ultrasound

i just came back from my 6 week ultrasound- it could have gone better, but i suppose it also could have gone worse too. we were able to see a yolk sac and fetal pole, and the measurement was on track- 6 weeks 1 day. that is the good part. however, we were not able to see a heartbeat.

so.... it's 50/50 at this point. it could be that it is too early to detect the heartbeat, or this could be a miscarriage. ugh. this limbo land sucks. we are hoping and praying for the heartbeat to develop. we are feeling positive about having gotten pregnant. but we really want the heartbeat (and ultimately to bring this baby home). and the not knowing where things stand at this point is hard.

the doctor who saw me today is my RE's partner, who i have seen before. she advised me to come back in a week because at seven weeks things are definitive. i asked about coming in sooner as i'm pretty sure i can not wait that long. i'm waiting to talk to my primary RE, but i think i will push for that. waiting a week feels so long.

Thursday, May 10, 2012


Remember my last post when I said I was feeling a tiny bit nervous about my ultrasound tomorrow? Well the anxiety has snowballed and for the past few days I have been feeling very nervous.  I know the status of this pregnancy is out of my hands- but we have tried hard and have had so much hope that I'm afraid will be squashed. Having had had a horrible experience with an ultrasound where I was blind-sided and saw my first baby dead in utero at 21 weeks, I just fear these things. And physically, I do not feel the least bit pregnant right now. I know it's still very early, but in my other two pregnancies I felt several significant symptoms beginning immediately. I really had myself convinced last week that I was playing this pretty cool. I was wrong. Today I feel scared. I'm praying that my fear will be unfounded tomorrow.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

five weeks

I went in for my five week beta last Friday and according to my RE, my levels look good. So, I am scheduled for a first ultrasound this upcoming Friday at 6 weeks. It still hasn't sunk in that I am pregnant. Physically I'm not really feeling any symptoms (which at times concerns me) but I think naturally I am just somewhat guarded at this point.  I am a bit nervous already for the ultrasound. I am no where near as freaked out as I was with my last pregnancy at this point, but still a little scared. Fingers crossed for more happy news!

Friday, April 27, 2012

Two weeks

I did something this cycle that I have not done before- I tested early.  Despite each 2 ww feeling like an eternity, I never did this over all the months of trying mainly bc/ I figured there was a very likely chance it was again negative-- and if so, waiting to the 2 week mark exactly would bring me a little closer to the next cycle where at least I could try again. However, with this being IUI#3 for this round and us being tapped out financially for further interventions (IVF), I felt an overpowering need to know the outcome asap. So I tested early..and got a clear-as-day BFN.

It was so disappointing to see the result. Things were staring to feel very final. I was very bummed out all day. I eventually started trying to wrap my brain around about what the future might hold... We've been at this for five years, I'm about to turn 38... we've been through a total of seven IUIs/injectibles, one IVF, a devastating late trimester loss. Despite wanting another child, we do have a living child (conceived via IVF) now for whom we are so grateful.  Do we stop here? Do we start looking into adoption and see if there are any options there for us?

Last night when I was giving C a bath, I pulled open a drawer in the bathroom and there was the pregnancy test box staring at me. There was still a test in the box. Should I toss it out? I shut the drawer. Then this morning, when I went to shower I remembered it and figured what the heck... Even though I felt 100% not pregnant and had seen the evidence, I made a spontaneous decision to pee again (since I did test early) just for the heck of it.

Then I showered, dilly dallied around in the kitchen, and finally ended up back in the bathroom when I spotted the stick and  low and behold there was a faint second line. Faint, but there..Yes, two lines... pregnant... PREGNANT!!!

I felt a bit shocked. I know, I know- I was trying... like REALLY trying to conceive. But I had no symptoms whatsoever (I've had early symptoms with baby S and baby C) and I had already accepted that I wasn't based on the early test results which were clearly negative. Wow. I should have known better and followed the nurse's instructions! However, what a very, very, VERY pleasant surprise nonetheless!!!  I went in immediately this morning for the blood test and it has been confirmed. I am happy. Cautious, a bit fearful, yet happy. Still trying to get used to the news. Having moments thinking of everything that can go wrong. But yet- for now I am rated PG.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Last week my sweet baby S, who we lost at 21 weeks gestation, would have turned three. In the days leading up to his due date, I was feeling emotional and anxious. Although, it's hard to know how much of that was also the crazy-making injections.. but I could certainly feel the grief sweep over me. It's hard to imagine that I would have a three year old right now. What would the last few years have been like? What would our life be like today? If Baby S would have lived, would we have baby C here too? I'd like to think so. When I think about that I create a fantasy in my mind where both of my sons are here. That would be incredible. To make it even better, in the fantasy I get pregnant both times quickly/easily, without intervention, and experienced two blissful pregnancies. Oh how wonderful it would be to wrap my arms around both of my boys.

So I took a day to allow myself remember, and shed some tears (I can't help it). Then I do what I have to do, which is keep moving forward.

I suppose that is the what this space is all about for me and for many of us. It's not about the babyloss or infertility struggles really. It's about have a place to go to process the many emotions (both bad and good) and to gain support, feel understood and feel validated.

I miss my first child very much and suppose I always will. At the same time, I am reminded of how grateful I am so have my living child here. And I am also incredibly thankful for this community. Without it, I would feel very alone.

Friday, April 13, 2012

another 2 week wait

Today was our third IUI trying for this baby. Please, please, please let this be it! My daily dosage of folli.stim was increased this go-around to 225 iu per day (previously 150). We had 3 good sized follies (same as the last 2 rounds) but a lot more small ones. So not really anything additional in my favor this time, but let's hope that we get a good egg. The only differences I can note are the side effects due to the increase in the meds. I have felt terribly nauseous for the past few days. And exhausted. And my skin has broken out a bit. Blech.

Hoping and praying over here.

Friday, March 9, 2012


This isn't our month. Again.

As much as I busied myself during this 2 ww..I was feeling a lot of fear, yet also a lot of hope. When the day to do my HPT finally came around, I was scared to do it. Normally I am nervous to check the test result, but have had no issue in the past doing the test part. Afterall, you wait what feels like for so long you kinda want to get the test part over with. This time I was so scared about the results that I put off testing for an extra day. I'm learning that failed cycles do not become much easier over time. I just wanted to remain in the phase where there is hope that you might actually be pregnant. Where is feels possible. The only better feeling would be finding out that you are pregnant. The worse feeling is the gigantic disappointment of knowing that you're not and despite the lengths that you go to trying. To me, it is more pleasant and peaceful staying in that in between- focusing on the hope, before facing the highly possible negative news.

DH was totally convinced this round that we were pregnant. He is usually hopeful, but this time he thought this was it for sure. His sense was not based on anything that I told him, because honestly we were so busy and I was being quiet. I didn't tell him all of the symptoms I was experiencing. I kept telling myself it was the cri.none... but at the same time I had not felt anything happening at all last round- and this time felt so bloated that it felt as though my uterus was pushing out. I kept telling myself it was not real, and that I wasn't pregnant... Yet this time around I kinda thought maybe I was. It just goes to show how all those extra hormones mess with your head.

TTC is a crazy-making business sometimes.

This morning I was in a big huge bummed out mood- which isn't normally like me. But... I'm going to get that out of my system ASAP and here is how:

I am going to muster up all of the positive energy that I can, not for me and my life... But for someone else.. I am going to send them all of the peace and goodness that I can. And I'm going to send it to someone who ever so much deserves it (as well as her dh)... and so does their baby who is at seven weeks gestation.

This person our sister--- yours and mine. She is a member of our babyloss and infertility community. This couple has been dealt more during their journey than I can possibly wrap my head around. They have endured 6 miscarriages and 7 IVFs, on top of that previously battled cancer. I am in complete awe of their strength, persistence and resilience independently as a couple. They are a source of inspiration and if you follow their story, you want nothing more in the world than for this amazing couple to be able to bring their baby home.

If you don't know of M.o and W.ill, visit their blog at lif.eandloveinthepetridish, and join me and the forces cheering them on.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

In the 2 ww

I'm 2 dpiui..Trying not to think about the wait, the possible outcomes, possible next steps, possible symptoms or lack thereof- but it's impossible for those thoughts not to creep into my head. I'm also having significant abdominal bloating from the stimulation, making it difficult not to analyze what's going on in my body. In the event that I start to notice anything different at all- or nothing at all- I have reminded myself that on one of my previous failed iuis I had thrown up one morning thinking surely it was morning sickness.. turns out it was only a side effect of the progesterone. And when I was pregnant the second time, I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. So I never really can predict either way.

This cycle I had 3 good sized follies (whereas my previous failed iui was two). I was riding the emotional roller coaster in the days leading up to the iui- those injectibles make me feel both sick (nauseous & head-achy) and crazy.

So now I'm trying to keep busy (getting more cleaning and cooking done than usual!). And also planning more activities than normal, just to keep my mind preoccupied and stay as in the moment as much as possible.

Thinking of D.awn who is in her 2 ww as well, and celebrating for M.o & W.ill who have received some great news. Fingers crossed for everyone's success.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Moving ahead this month

We are able to move ahead this month with an IUI/injectibles as planned. Whew! My RE decided that we may proceed this month, while her old office intentionally takes their time sending my file to her. The new office also informed me that they have a satellite location much closer to me where if the timing works out I might be able to see my doc there for some of my appts. That would be very nice since it is only 15 minutes away vs. 1 hr!

I am glad we are able to keep moving forward. Now I'm trying to focus on being healthy, happy and optimistic in order to fight off any anxious feelings or thoughts throughout the coming days.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

RE Drama

So I just found out that my RE has left the practice and has gone over to a new clinic. As a result I am stuck in limbo as I try to switch over while her/my former clinic are making it difficult. They are obviously upset about her departure and are choosing to handle it very unprofessionally and are intentionally impacting her patients' treatment, including mine. They have sent out communication and are offering discounts for her patients who stay. In the meantime, however they are taking as much time as they legally can to transfer her patients' files to her. Therefore, when evil AF arrives early this next week there is a very good chance that I will not be able to proceed this month because my file has not been transferred. Honestly the discount was a tempting offer to stay, however their bullying ways put a huge negative cloud over the place.

LAME. Very lame. We already missed December and January due to schedule conflicts (Xmas and then out of town). So the thought of sitting out another round when we are VERY ready to move but can't because of some jerks really stinks.

Sigh. I want to at least feel like I have control over the aspects that I should have control over- like moving ahead on the month that we planned.

My file that they have of course is quite thick. I faxed over my recent bloodwork/ovarian assessment results (which I happened to receive a copy of) plus my copy of November's IUI protocol to the new clinic today and have requested to move forward without the file being is there. The new office is very aware of the issues being created by the former clinic. I am a bit doubtful, yet hoping and that they make an exception about the file this month. This trying/failing/waiting is a bummer.

Fingers crossed for a green light this cycle.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Where will we go from here

Thanks for your kind words & empathy during my last post. Daw.n & Whit.e Picket Fence in particular, you have been an ongoing source of support and I appreciate it. My blogging is on the minimal side and I have few followers- which I am ok with... It's the quality not quantity for me!

The anniversary of my baby loss occurs in December, just before Christmas- so that is always a tough time for me. I suppose I may always need to be aware of being gentle with myself and taking the time to process. This year also fell on the heels of a failed IUI, which is big let down.

We decided to take off the month of December mainly because of the conflicting holiday hecticness and having guests in town. It was actually a bit of a relief to have a somewhat forced break, as I was able to relax a bit more and enjoy the holiday season. I'm noticing that I feel, and it seems the same with others ttc whose blogs I read, the need to keep forging ahead month after consecutive month with ttc. The loss of one month sometimes feels monumental, especially when advanced maternal age is a factor. As it turns out we have to take off the month of January too- but for good reason... a long-awaited vacation, and a tropical one at that. The timing doesn't fall during the exact optimal dates for ttc on our own, however we won't be in town for the sonograms/monitoring that preceed an IUI.

So this essentially self-imposed forced hiatus puts things at a standstill and is really making me/us take a step back. It's discouraging to invest yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and financially when the odds are not even in your favor. I'm trying NOT to focus on #s, rather just stay optimistic and keep up the hope. For your information, the success rate at my age 37.5 doing IUI + injectibles at my RE clinic is 20% for 3-4 cycles. We have one failed under our belt for this go around and we likely will not take additional steps beyond IUI.

Having one living baby does change the way that I feel to some degree. I don't feel as desparate this go around. I don't have the sense of fighting to the ends of the earth.. rather that we will give it our best shot within reason. It's tough for me to swallow that actually... I really, really, really want another baby, a living sibling for my son. And we have so much love to offer. But in the back of my mind I know that I have to be ready to be ok with however things turn out. I'm just not quite there yet. The reality is that I feel a little bit scared and quite uncertain about the future at this point.

At this time we are reevaluating our finances and things are going to be changing dramatically for me soon.. I've been able to be a stay-at-home mom for the past year and half, for which I am so grateful. However, we've stretched ourselves about as far as we can go and the time for me to return to work is quickly approaching. My main concern about that is the stress of starting a new job and the inability to have flexibility with my schedule may get in the way of ttc. Because of my *advanced* age (ugh) I constantly feel like time is of the essence and I worry about taking too much time away from our ttc efforts and too many obstacles getting in the way.

To end this post in an upbeat way, it makes me happy that some of my blog friends are in a good place wherever that is in their journey- whether it's achieving their dream (S, who is expecting twin boys soon!) and those who have gotten themselves to a place where they are at peace with how things have turned out.