Friday, May 25, 2012

the dreaded news

We received the bad news this morning at our 8 week appointment... Our little baby's heartbeat is no longer there...

S/he had grown 4 more days since last Friday. At this stage in the first trimester and based on last week's appointment, I can't say I was shocked... but was holding out so much hope.  We tried so hard- and we wanted and love that baby. It's been a long journey overall and we've already dealt with a major loss. We hadn't told anyone the news of our pregnancy yet. Going in for d & c tomorrow. We will be ok, I know that, but for right now my heart aches with sadness.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

going in for u/s & bloodwork Friday (not today)

I moved my next appointment back to it's originally scheduled time, this Friday (2 days away). When I found out about my crappy blood work results at my seven week appt. last Friday, I panicked and had my next appointment moved up to today (Wednesday). I am still nervous, but I have calmed down a bit and moved the back to when the doctor suggested. Initially I was thinking the sooner I know the status of this pregnancy (the bad news) the better. Then I decided that I need to focus my thoughts on that little heartbeat that I saw last Friday and visualize it being there. I'm praying that it's still going, yet I'm scared it's not. So for now, I guess I'd like to hang on to that hope and image for a couple more days before finding anything out.

No cramping or bleeding over the past several days..I've been wearing a liner in anticipation and checking throughout each day. I also can't help but analyze every little thing my body is feeling.. was that cramps? Or gas? No nausea (which I have felt strongly in my past 2 pregnancies). I have had some fatigue, although I'm always pretty tired anyway from running around all day and not enough sleep. My uterus does seem to be pushing out a bit, however progesterone supplements have fooled me in that regard in the past.

I made the mistake of googling about my low hormone levels and of course came across nothing but information pointing to and stories of miscarriage.It has been another long week of waiting. I am trying to keep as busy and distracted as possible. Fingers crossed for Friday that the appointment is good.

Friday, May 18, 2012

7 week update- bloodwork concerns!

Ok, so that excitement was short lived. The nurse called to inform me that my bloodwork today is a concern. My progesterone dropped from 32 to a whopping low15 and estrogen from 690 to 197. FUGG! Also there's the issue with the possible little growth.

My appointment has been moved up from Friday to Wednesday. What a roller coaster. Hoping/praying hard!!

7 week ultrasound

We saw a heartbeat!!! Hooray!  Of course it is still very early in this pregnancy (only seven weeks) but we are so happy to have seen that little heartbeat flickering away!  We even got to hear it too. Thanks so much to those who sent positive thoughts my way.

Remind me if I go through this again to never go in for a first ultrasound before at least 6.5 weeks (even though 6 weeks is the protocol at my RE and plenty of people see heartbeats then). It is stressful not seeing a heartbeat and then waiting a week. This actually happened during my last pregnancy too (except that time after IVF and in the thick of grief it almost gave me a nervous breakdown, so they allowed me to come back after a few days). Anyhoo, I should have known better and just scheduled the first one a few days later.

Although the heartbeat was normal, the baby only measured at 6 weeks 2 days, which is only 2 days further along in growth than an entire week ago. UGH. I'd feel a lot better if the measurement were on track. I'm hoping it is off because it's difficult to measure precisely so early, plus the embryo was up against the uterine wall. My doctor did not seem concerned, but does want to watch closely and scheduled me to come in one week. I'm praying this pregnancy continues.

Has this happened to anyone out there this early on with the measurement being short by several days?? Good or bad, I would be interested to hear the outcome....

Thursday, May 17, 2012

7 week ultrasound tomorrow

I decided to wait until tomorrow, as the doctor suggested, to go in for the ultrasound. It will be seven weeks and we will find out whether or not this little embie has heartbeat. I have been a bit calmer this week than I expected.. I really thought I would have gone in a couple of days ago. It is what it is, I suppose- it's out of my hands.  For now I am pregnant. (Just not sure if it has progressed).  Maybe it's the fear of finding out that I'm not that has allowed me to wait it out a full week. I am hoping and praying that a little heartbeat has developed over the past week. At the same time, I am nervous and realistically do have to brace myself for the possible bad news.

Fingers crossed for a happy ultrasound tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

reflections on mother's day

The topic among mommies around me this week seems to be what everyone did to celebrate mother's day. "Did your family pamper you all day? Were you treated to something special?" Mama friends on f.b. gave big shout-outs to all the moms out there, and essentially to themselves.

Mother's day is special indeed and I am incredibly grateful that I have a living baby to hold on that day. DH kept asking me ahead of time what I wanted to do to celebrate. All I truly wanted was for us to be together. That is all. In the backyard, in our living, doing the things that we usually do on weekend... just enjoying being together. It is a such a honor and privilege to be a mom and for me knowing that is the celebration. Don't get me wrong- I'm not against going to brunch or the spa etc. and believe everyone should celebrate as they wish. (Maybe that is what I will do next year ;)  With baby loss and infertility being part of my life, it is part of my perspective on mother's day as well. 

Three years ago, when I was two years into infertility and few months after the late trimester loss of my son, I was traveling on Mother's day. I was in an airport when a wave of grief and longing came over me. I cried there in the airport- for myself, and for all the parents who struggle to have families or who lose babies.

I think of those people today, and on each mother's day. This past Sunday there were a few moms who I could not stop thinking about-- not me, not my own mom, not my mommy friends.... Recently a couple of the bloggers who I follow have experienced baby loss- one stillbirth and one infant- for the second time around. I just can not wrap my head around their heartbreak and the fact that people have to deal with so much pain. Another childhood friend of mine very recently lost her ten year old daughter to illness. My thoughts were with her all day long.
My hope is that on Mother's day everyone, no matter where in their journey, can find some peace on mother's day. Wishing everyone happiness...

Friday, May 11, 2012

post ultrasound

i just came back from my 6 week ultrasound- it could have gone better, but i suppose it also could have gone worse too. we were able to see a yolk sac and fetal pole, and the measurement was on track- 6 weeks 1 day. that is the good part. however, we were not able to see a heartbeat.

so.... it's 50/50 at this point. it could be that it is too early to detect the heartbeat, or this could be a miscarriage. ugh. this limbo land sucks. we are hoping and praying for the heartbeat to develop. we are feeling positive about having gotten pregnant. but we really want the heartbeat (and ultimately to bring this baby home). and the not knowing where things stand at this point is hard.

the doctor who saw me today is my RE's partner, who i have seen before. she advised me to come back in a week because at seven weeks things are definitive. i asked about coming in sooner as i'm pretty sure i can not wait that long. i'm waiting to talk to my primary RE, but i think i will push for that. waiting a week feels so long.

Thursday, May 10, 2012


Remember my last post when I said I was feeling a tiny bit nervous about my ultrasound tomorrow? Well the anxiety has snowballed and for the past few days I have been feeling very nervous.  I know the status of this pregnancy is out of my hands- but we have tried hard and have had so much hope that I'm afraid will be squashed. Having had had a horrible experience with an ultrasound where I was blind-sided and saw my first baby dead in utero at 21 weeks, I just fear these things. And physically, I do not feel the least bit pregnant right now. I know it's still very early, but in my other two pregnancies I felt several significant symptoms beginning immediately. I really had myself convinced last week that I was playing this pretty cool. I was wrong. Today I feel scared. I'm praying that my fear will be unfounded tomorrow.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

five weeks

I went in for my five week beta last Friday and according to my RE, my levels look good. So, I am scheduled for a first ultrasound this upcoming Friday at 6 weeks. It still hasn't sunk in that I am pregnant. Physically I'm not really feeling any symptoms (which at times concerns me) but I think naturally I am just somewhat guarded at this point.  I am a bit nervous already for the ultrasound. I am no where near as freaked out as I was with my last pregnancy at this point, but still a little scared. Fingers crossed for more happy news!