Since my last post a few weeks ago, my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place.
Recap of my status:
Years ttc overall- 5 years
Fertility treatments- 7 IUIs, 1 IVF
Pregnancies- 3 (all achieved through treatment)
Baby loss- 2 (1 stillbirth @ 21 weeks, 1 miscarriage 7.5 weeks)
Add all of that up and it's not the most promising picture to achieve another live birth, and most definitely some aggressive and very expensive steps will be required to move forward. We've spent a whole lot of money on this journey so far, and financially we need to take a hard look at our situation. On top of that, being back in the throes of ttc and failing at it over the last 1.5 year has resulted in a gradually growing depression and anxiety. These are issues that I am genetically predisposed to and have faced in the past- usually around times of major change or loss. Following the loss of our first son, I sought therapy and medication. I am starting to realize that my miscarriage back in May has affected me more than I expected. Although it wasn't nearly the devastation and shock I experienced in a second trimester loss, I am feeling the grief longer than I anticipated.
We are about to move out of state, which is a huge change and will also require new doctor(s). Fortunately I I have been able to get a recommendation for an RE in my new town. (Thank you, S!) At this point we don't have a plan. That probably adds to my feeling vulnerable and somewhat defeated. In fact, I will continue to be on hold for a bit while I await more results from RPL blood testing (much more on that in a new post when I have all the info!), while we deal with the move, and while I focus on my health and try to get my head straight.
I am also noticing the long term affects of infertility. While we are desperate to bring home our first baby, so many things around us are difficult. Once we have a live baby in our arms, a lot of those factors around us do become easier, but they do not go away entirely. In the time that I have been ttc a sibling for toddler C, all of his playmates now how younger siblings or siblings on the way. I still find myself surrounded mostly by fertiles who make naive comments. "Come on, jump on the pregnancy bandwagon!" "You must think we are crazy for have TWO little ones now." Really people? Ladies, if only you had any idea what so many people go through. At times I try to tactfully educate these people- but alas it ends up being seemingly lost on them and is a difficult task for me.
I've probably been overly emotional lately because of this pending move (leaving friends, the stress of moving etc). But I've cried quite a few times in recent weeks, more than I would care to. I am eternally grateful for my living son. Right now I need to focus my love and attention on him. This journey at times has also taken a toll on my marriage- the stress, the sadness, the expense. I am going to try my best to be at peace right now, be present, be open to possibilites, be grateful, and to love the people around me.