Wednesday, October 31, 2012

six weeks

When I got my surprise BFP, I immediately contacted the RE that I had consulted with just one week prior in my new city. Crazy to think when we were having that conversation and I left his office feeling dismayed that a surprise pregnancy was in the works. Thankfully, I had met with him and my file was there so I was able to get a prescription for prog.esterone immediately and start monitoring right away.

Betas increased nicely and I went in for my first ultrasound a few days ago. At the six week appointment things were looking good. We even got to see a heartbeat!  We were not expecting that so early. With my 3 other pregnancies we did not see a heartbeat until closer to 7 weeks (one which eventually stopped at 21 weeks and one at 7.5). It is still SO early, and I am very aware that things could change at any moment. Trying to remain cautiously optimistic however!

Morning sickness (well more like all-day sickness) has kicked in full force. This is the worst I have ever felt with pregnancy, which I'm hoping is just a good thing. Whereas before during first trimesters I felt tired and a little bit nauseous all of the time, and very nauseous at times... This time I feel tired and VERY nauseous ALL of the time.  I've also been getting migraines, which is a new not-fun symptom. I'm not complaining over here! Just noting the symptoms and differences. Hoping this pregnancy progresses and I make it to the second trimester and beyond to bring this baby home.

Because we did not do treatments this round, we did not do l.ovenox. Currently I am on prescription prenatal, Fol.gard and baby aspirin. My last RE and this new one had both said that despite the recent finding of autoimmune factors, they didn't think it was necessary. But they were also kind of on the fence- meaning they would prescribe it if we insisted. I am currently not on l.ovenox and this has had me a bit worried. The RE seemed more firm in his belief that I do not need it at my last appointment, and suggested I get one final opinion from a peri.natologist, which I will do next week. The RE gave me a little speech about love.nox being a big deal. Well, my thought it is also a big deal to lose a baby, especially the further along you get in pregnancy.  More than anything I want peace of mind that I am doing what I should to sustain this pregnancy- I would hate for this to end badly and have regrets later.

Friday, October 19, 2012

unexpected (in a very good way!)

Infertility is a wild ride indeed. A few significant events for me to report from this week!...


Early this week I met with a new RE (since we've relocated again. this will be my 3rd clinic & 4th specialist).

We had a thorough discussion of my history ttc, covering the past five-plus years. He had obviously read my thick file in detail (which I so appreciated), he asked me many questions, and provided thorough explanations of my questions to him. His advice for next steps: another sono.hysterogram, new bloodwork, continue current meds (Folgard and B.A.) and plan for IVF w/ICSI & PGD. We don't know how we would pay for all of that. He also drove home two points, which I already knew: 1) time is not on my side (rapidly approaching age 38.5) and 2) my track record of several failed IUIs using IVF strength meds and the result of my IVF (although successful) was not impressive in terms of eggs produced and fertilization.

I left that meeting feeling good about the doctor, but dismayed about the outlook for me pursing more treatments.


October 15th- baby loss remembrance day. When I stop and think about it, it almost still feels hard to believe my loss of Baby C at 21 weeks and that I went through another miscarriage a few months ago. I think of all of the women in this community, the stories of loss and struggle. All of the babies who are missed and loved. All of the hearts that will never be quite the same. Prior to five years ago I didn't know the depth of people's pain and sorrow, nor my own. The support that is shared in this community and the strength of all of the women in it is astounding.


Throughout the past five-plus years (with the exception of cycles where I was doing treatments, was pregnant, or was recovering from loss) we have continued to ttc naturally every month, even though I'd been told long ago that my chances of conceiving this way were 0%. I OPK and follow up with a pregnancy test each time- crazy as it is. I can not count the number of pee sticks and BFNs.

We tried last month and now...

I am pregnant.

In awe.

Grateful to my body for once in a very, very long time. And grateful to the universe.

Scared of all the things that can go wrong.

Guilty thinking of those who need a BFP too.

So many mixed emotions.

Above them all.


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Hematologist appointment

Yesterday I met with a hematologist to review my RPL bloodwork results, which came back positive for MTHFR (heterozygous) gene mutation and borderline Protein S Deficiency. I am currently taking the prescribed Folgard (high dose Folic Acid plus vitamins B6 & B12) and Baby Aspirin. Apparently I will be on these for life. Basically I wanted to discuss future treatment if/when pregnant (ie. possible L.ovenox) and talk about these autoimmune disorders in relation to infertility and pregnancy loss.

From what I've gathered talking to two REs, from online research, and from now two hematologists- the medical community does not have clear cut answers about all of this nor a standard protocol about l.ovenox. These issues are not being taken seriously enough. They won't say for certain whether it causes IF or miscarriage... however, a visit to any of the message boards surrounding this topic make it clear that it effects both for many, many people. Either or both of these conditions can wreak havoc on one's body in a number of serious ways. I lost a precious baby boy at 21 weeks because of it. Bottom line was, neither the REs nor Hematologists feel I need to take l.ovenox if pregnant.. however they understand that I may insist on being prescribed it just to be safe. One thing that I did find out about the drug is it is really freaking expensive. Of course, I still need to get pregnant first and that would already cost us a ton of money that we don't have.

I've spent most of the summer feeling pretty down after my last miscarriage. DH and I know we really want another baby, but none of our options are looking very promising... all are very difficult and very expensive. And in the end they don't promise you a baby. I am also starting to feel quite beat down by the cumulative trying/failing/loss etc. I'm one who is a bit prone to depression and anxiety, so I've had some rough days throughout this journey. We've been at this for over 5 years, which is half of our marriage. I have started researching adoption. I know I can love a baby that is not biologically mine and I have always known this. But that path isn't easy either. And in the back of my mind too I know that the time may come soon when I need to accept life as it is and let go of further efforts. For now I am trying to focus on myself and my relationship, which needs some TLC. IF and baby loss take a toll. I'm tired.. but I'm not done trying just yet.