In the 2 ww

I'm 2 dpiui..Trying not to think about the wait, the possible outcomes, possible next steps, possible symptoms or lack thereof- but it's impossible for those thoughts not to creep into my head. I'm also having significant abdominal bloating from the stimulation, making it difficult not to analyze what's going on in my body. In the event that I start to notice anything different at all- or nothing at all- I have reminded myself that on one of my previous failed iuis I had thrown up one morning thinking surely it was morning sickness.. turns out it was only a side effect of the progesterone. And when I was pregnant the second time, I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. So I never really can predict either way.

This cycle I had 3 good sized follies (whereas my previous failed iui was two). I was riding the emotional roller coaster in the days leading up to the iui- those injectibles make me feel both sick (nauseous & head-achy) and crazy.

So now I'm trying to keep busy (getting more cleaning and cooking done than usual!). And also planning more activities than normal, just to keep my mind preoccupied and stay as in the moment as much as possible.

Thinking of D.awn who is in her 2 ww as well, and celebrating for M.o & W.ill who have received some great news. Fingers crossed for everyone's success.

Moving ahead this month

We are able to move ahead this month with an IUI/injectibles as planned. Whew! My RE decided that we may proceed this month, while her old office intentionally takes their time sending my file to her. The new office also informed me that they have a satellite location much closer to me where if the timing works out I might be able to see my doc there for some of my appts. That would be very nice since it is only 15 minutes away vs. 1 hr!

I am glad we are able to keep moving forward. Now I'm trying to focus on being healthy, happy and optimistic in order to fight off any anxious feelings or thoughts throughout the coming days.

RE Drama

So I just found out that my RE has left the practice and has gone over to a new clinic. As a result I am stuck in limbo as I try to switch over while her/my former clinic are making it difficult. They are obviously upset about her departure and are choosing to handle it very unprofessionally and are intentionally impacting her patients' treatment, including mine. They have sent out communication and are offering discounts for her patients who stay. In the meantime, however they are taking as much time as they legally can to transfer her patients' files to her. Therefore, when evil AF arrives early this next week there is a very good chance that I will not be able to proceed this month because my file has not been transferred. Honestly the discount was a tempting offer to stay, however their bullying ways put a huge negative cloud over the place.

LAME. Very lame. We already missed December and January due to schedule conflicts (Xmas and then out of town). So the thought of sitting out another round when we are VERY ready to move but can't because of some jerks really stinks.

Sigh. I want to at least feel like I have control over the aspects that I should have control over- like moving ahead on the month that we planned.

My file that they have of course is quite thick. I faxed over my recent bloodwork/ovarian assessment results (which I happened to receive a copy of) plus my copy of November's IUI protocol to the new clinic today and have requested to move forward without the file being is there. The new office is very aware of the issues being created by the former clinic. I am a bit doubtful, yet hoping and that they make an exception about the file this month. This trying/failing/waiting is a bummer.

Fingers crossed for a green light this cycle.

Where will we go from here

Thanks for your kind words & empathy during my last post. Daw.n & Whit.e Picket Fence in particular, you have been an ongoing source of support and I appreciate it. My blogging is on the minimal side and I have few followers- which I am ok with... It's the quality not quantity for me!

The anniversary of my baby loss occurs in December, just before Christmas- so that is always a tough time for me. I suppose I may always need to be aware of being gentle with myself and taking the time to process. This year also fell on the heels of a failed IUI, which is big let down.

We decided to take off the month of December mainly because of the conflicting holiday hecticness and having guests in town. It was actually a bit of a relief to have a somewhat forced break, as I was able to relax a bit more and enjoy the holiday season. I'm noticing that I feel, and it seems the same with others ttc whose blogs I read, the need to keep forging ahead month after consecutive month with ttc. The loss of one month sometimes feels monumental, especially when advanced maternal age is a factor. As it turns out we have to take off the month of January too- but for good reason... a long-awaited vacation, and a tropical one at that. The timing doesn't fall during the exact optimal dates for ttc on our own, however we won't be in town for the sonograms/monitoring that preceed an IUI.

So this essentially self-imposed forced hiatus puts things at a standstill and is really making me/us take a step back. It's discouraging to invest yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and financially when the odds are not even in your favor. I'm trying NOT to focus on #s, rather just stay optimistic and keep up the hope. For your information, the success rate at my age 37.5 doing IUI + injectibles at my RE clinic is 20% for 3-4 cycles. We have one failed under our belt for this go around and we likely will not take additional steps beyond IUI.

Having one living baby does change the way that I feel to some degree. I don't feel as desparate this go around. I don't have the sense of fighting to the ends of the earth.. rather that we will give it our best shot within reason. It's tough for me to swallow that actually... I really, really, really want another baby, a living sibling for my son. And we have so much love to offer. But in the back of my mind I know that I have to be ready to be ok with however things turn out. I'm just not quite there yet. The reality is that I feel a little bit scared and quite uncertain about the future at this point.

At this time we are reevaluating our finances and things are going to be changing dramatically for me soon.. I've been able to be a stay-at-home mom for the past year and half, for which I am so grateful. However, we've stretched ourselves about as far as we can go and the time for me to return to work is quickly approaching. My main concern about that is the stress of starting a new job and the inability to have flexibility with my schedule may get in the way of ttc. Because of my *advanced* age (ugh) I constantly feel like time is of the essence and I worry about taking too much time away from our ttc efforts and too many obstacles getting in the way.

To end this post in an upbeat way, it makes me happy that some of my blog friends are in a good place wherever that is in their journey- whether it's achieving their dream (S, who is expecting twin boys soon!) and those who have gotten themselves to a place where they are at peace with how things have turned out.

3 years ago yesterday

Three 3 years ago this week, yesterday, marked the saddest day of my life. As much as I would not like to remember the exact date that we learned the devastating news that we lost our son at 21 weeks in utero, it is burned into the fabric of my being. My body and soul can not forget. This time of year is tough, with the holidays approaching- everything reminds me of our loss and the fact that our son Baby S is not here.

I am so grateful to have his brother Baby C here and all it takes is me looking at him to be so grateful. But my heart is so heavy today. Immensely heavy- it hit me like a ton of bricks today and I found myself weeping.

The grief of a mother or parent leaves such a void. No matter how much joy I have received there is still a sad spot in my heart.

Even though I think of Baby S every day, I rarely allow myself to feel sorry for myself. But today, I am sorry for his loss, sorry for us, sorry for his brother. I know I will pull out of this shortly but the grief weighs heavy right now. My heart is sad for all of the babies who are lost and all of their families.

BFNNNNN

Aunt Flo has made her unwelcome visit this month. BOOOOO. Am I surprised? Not really.. Although I was trying not to pay much attention to how I was feeling physically, I was noticing that I was not feeling a single symptom during the past two weeks. (In my previous 2 pregnancies I had symptoms very early on). Am I disappointed? Indeed.. feeling a little broken, and frustrated with my body.

With the holidays approaching (and the crappy high expense of fertility treatments) we will likely hold off for at least a month. For now, I will focus on my sweet son who is here. I never lose sight of how fortunate I am to have him and that overrides any negative feelings. Also, in the coming weeks I am going to try to step it up with healthy eating and exercise/yoga, maybe acupuncture too- mainly for my overall well being. Could be tricky for me holiday time though.

Thinking of my blog friends and wishing you the best where you are in your journeys!

Chinese Good Luck

Yesterday and today we completed our IUI. I feel a lot crampier and more uncomfortable than I recall feeling in the past. However, I am glad to be done with that step. Tomorrow I start progesterone and baby aspirin. I hope the 2 WW goes by quickly- I plan to stay distracted.

Last night we ate sushi and following dinner we opened the fortune cookies they gave to us. DH's was kind of lame- I don't even remember now what it said. But here is what mine read, "A golden egg of opportunity will fall in your lap this month." :) I mean I'm not all that superstitious, but we instantly got a kick out of it. Also day 1 of the IUI (which my RE said is the more important of the 2) was 11-11-11... For the Chinese the date signifies good luck. The numbers rhyme with "one husband, one wife and one soul" in Chinese.

Obviously I'm not putting too much stock into all of this- but hey, I will take all the luck I can get!

Bring on the golden egg!!