Thursday, August 19, 2010

My rainbow baby

Like others in this blogosphere, I am finding myself at a crossroads with my blog. My rainbow baby, Baby C, is now 6 weeks old. It's been a few weeks since I've made an entry- partly because I haven't had the time.. but also because I am navigating my way into this new phase in my life and subsequently with my grief as well.

When I started this blog I felt so defeated. I had spent over a year ttc, underwent a surgical procedure, an IUI, and then my first son died at 21 weeks gestation. In an attempt to quickly come up with a title for the blog and came up with "not rated PG" because I was exactly that- not PG (pregnant). I was deeply hurting over the loss of my baby and was again struggling ttc.

This will not become a blog about Baby C. He is doing great and we are incredibly grateful to have him in our lives. This blog world for me will continue to be a place where I will offer support to others in their journeys and also process my thoughts and feelings about babyloss and infertility- which although may not define me, will always be a part of me.

Before my rainbow baby arrived, like many coping with babyloss and infertility, it was hard for me to read about successful pregnancies. Although I felt truly happy for those who have gone through similar struggles, I could not relate when reading about their rainbow babies when I was struggling to conceive, then in the thick of my grief, then going through fertility treatments, and then coping with the anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy.

When Baby S died, one thing that my obgyn said to me was that the grief would get easier over time- and when I would eventually bring home a (living) baby. Now that I finally have a baby in my arms, the hole in my hear is still there... however, it is no longer gaping. Despite the joy of having a newborn, I still have my moments of sorrow.