Thursday, August 19, 2010

My rainbow baby

Like others in this blogosphere, I am finding myself at a crossroads with my blog. My rainbow baby, Baby C, is now 6 weeks old. It's been a few weeks since I've made an entry- partly because I haven't had the time.. but also because I am navigating my way into this new phase in my life and subsequently with my grief as well.

When I started this blog I felt so defeated. I had spent over a year ttc, underwent a surgical procedure, an IUI, and then my first son died at 21 weeks gestation. In an attempt to quickly come up with a title for the blog and came up with "not rated PG" because I was exactly that- not PG (pregnant). I was deeply hurting over the loss of my baby and was again struggling ttc.

This will not become a blog about Baby C. He is doing great and we are incredibly grateful to have him in our lives. This blog world for me will continue to be a place where I will offer support to others in their journeys and also process my thoughts and feelings about babyloss and infertility- which although may not define me, will always be a part of me.

Before my rainbow baby arrived, like many coping with babyloss and infertility, it was hard for me to read about successful pregnancies. Although I felt truly happy for those who have gone through similar struggles, I could not relate when reading about their rainbow babies when I was struggling to conceive, then in the thick of my grief, then going through fertility treatments, and then coping with the anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy.

When Baby S died, one thing that my obgyn said to me was that the grief would get easier over time- and when I would eventually bring home a (living) baby. Now that I finally have a baby in my arms, the hole in my hear is still there... however, it is no longer gaping. Despite the joy of having a newborn, I still have my moments of sorrow.


  1. I suppose a lot of people who haven't lost a baby think that a rainbow baby fixes everything. Not so, but I'm glad that Baby S is helping to heal your heart.
    I've been following babyloss blogs long enough now to see many people succeed in getting their rainbow baby. Since these blogs were born with the death of a baby, they often die with the birth of a new baby. When a babyloss blog dies, it is cause for celebration!

  2. Grief never goes away, if there's one thing I've learned through all this it's that. But, it gets easier in some ways. Glad Baby S is helping with that, but sorry that your lost one is not here (*hugs*)

  3. I understand completely. There were times when I'd be up in the wee hours of the night nursing Tatum, and suddenly it would hit me--the loss of having nursed his brothers in the wee hours of the night as I was nursing him. Nothing can totally erase that pain...though I'm so so happy for you that the gaping hole is being bridged by the joy that is baby C. Sending you lots of hugs.