Saturday, November 28, 2009

Sex drive M.I.A.

My sex drive is missing in action. Has anyone seen it? Actually it's been gone for quite some time now, ever since the stress of ttc set in. The other day I jokingly made a comment to my husb, referring to a couple of years ago as being "back when I had a sex drive." It's true. I feel like from the moment that I encountered infertility my sexual desire was hijacked. First sex became an effort to make a baby. Soon thereafter came surgeries, fertility medications, injections, IUIs, a dead baby, IVF. The truth is, I really miss having a normal sex life. I miss having sex simply just for fun and to express my love for my dh. But it's tough to feel excited about sex when I don't feel good about my body and I don't feel all that great about myself. I struggle with feeling as though my body has let me down in the utmost way- by failing to keep my baby alive. And it's tough to feel good about my self amidst feelings of disappointment, anxiety, worry, etc.

CeCe needs to get her groove back! Here's hoping that my sex drive makes it's return SOON and with avengence. ;)

Tis the season

As holiday time has arrived I am finding myself with mixed emotions. There are many things that I am thankful for: the little life that is forming inside of me, my dh who is amazing, the support that I am finding in this community of mothers, the five and a half months that I was blessed with my baby boy. I am really trying to overlook the pain and sadness that I experienced from losing my son and instead trying to remember that he still is a gift to me. He has taught me to love stronger, to have courage in the face of darkness, and to never take life for granted. I am a better mother because of him. For the first few months following his death, I could not think of my baby boy without feeling utter despair. Eventually I have come to realize that he would not want me to focus on the loss of him, but rather focus on truly living.

I can't help but also feel a sense of anxiety though. This time last year is when my world began to crumble. At Thanksgiving last year I was five and a half months pregnant blissfully celebrating with family and friends. Just days later was the doctor's appointment where I would learn the news that my baby's heart had stopped was like being hit by a truck. I have come a long way in a year, wading my way through grief. Yet a piece of my heart is still missing- always will be, I suppose. In the coming days I will approach the anniversary of the last time I felt my son move, the devastating doctor's appointment, the delivery, and the return home with empty arms. It is not an easy journey for you and me, us mothers who have lost our babies. I wish each of us peace during the holiday season and always. May we hold tight to the joy in our lives, including that which was brought to us by those who are with us in spirit.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Hanging on!

Our wee one is hanging on! We went back this week for a follow-up ultrasound after our little scare and things are looking good. The doctor concluded that perhaps the embryo had taken a couple of days to implant, so the first ultrasound may have been done a little too early. Whew- we are so relieved!

DH and I had been feeling uneasy so we decided that we would both visualize a positive outcome. So for the past several days when I would start to feel nervous, I would picture seeing a vivid heart beat on the ultrasound screen. After we were able to breath a little better, DH told me what he had been visualizing and I thought this was so funny.... He was imagining a baby holding on to the roof of the uterus, dangling there during a storm- which then passed and all was calm.

It's still only 7 1/2 weeks, but I am feeling much more comfortable with this pregnancy. Instead focusing on reaching the second trimester as my first milestone, I am going to celebrate that I have achieved my first milestone- getting pregnant. :)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Yesterday was my six week appointment. I received my first ultrasound, and it did not go as well as we had hoped.

First off, before I get to why I'm worried, let me recap why the appointment was off to a bad start...Upon arriving at my RE's office we learned that she no longer works there! Apparently she moved across the country for family reasons and supposedly sent a letter out to all of her patients a couple of weeks ago. I was just in her office 2 weeks ago and there was no mention of this. Anyway, I know that's life- it's her job, I'm just her patient. But I can not help but feel disappointed. So I've inherited a new doc and he's inherited me. And he is not someone who I would have chosen. Moving on...

The doctor was able to confirm that there is one pregnancy that implanted. However, we did not see the heartbeat that we hoped for. Initially the scan showed no sign of life. "I'm not seeing a heartbeat, " he flatly stated. My heart sunk. After searching for some time longer and maneuvering the wand around, he was eventually able to detect a very faint flicker of a heartbeat. So either the tiny life inside of me is already fading away, or it's developing slowly. I'm hoping with everything I've got that it's the latter and that everything turns out ok. It is still early after all. Although with our son we saw a strong, vivid heartbeat at six weeks (and he didn't make it to six months gestation). I can't help but feel nervous. I know there is nothing I can do about it and I'm clinging on to hope, yet I am scared. I go back in a week for another ultrasound.

I have received a few comments and want to say thank you for lending me some kindness and support!