As holiday time has arrived I am finding myself with mixed emotions. There are many things that I am thankful for: the little life that is forming inside of me, my dh who is amazing, the support that I am finding in this community of mothers, the five and a half months that I was blessed with my baby boy. I am really trying to overlook the pain and sadness that I experienced from losing my son and instead trying to remember that he still is a gift to me. He has taught me to love stronger, to have courage in the face of darkness, and to never take life for granted. I am a better mother because of him. For the first few months following his death, I could not think of my baby boy without feeling utter despair. Eventually I have come to realize that he would not want me to focus on the loss of him, but rather focus on truly living.
I can't help but also feel a sense of anxiety though. This time last year is when my world began to crumble. At Thanksgiving last year I was five and a half months pregnant blissfully celebrating with family and friends. Just days later was the doctor's appointment where I would learn the news that my baby's heart had stopped beating...it was like being hit by a truck. I have come a long way in a year, wading my way through grief. Yet a piece of my heart is still missing- always will be, I suppose. In the coming days I will approach the anniversary of the last time I felt my son move, the devastating doctor's appointment, the delivery, and the return home with empty arms. It is not an easy journey for you and me, us mothers who have lost our babies. I wish each of us peace during the holiday season and always. May we hold tight to the joy in our lives, including that which was brought to us by those who are with us in spirit.