Friday, December 16, 2011

3 years ago yesterday

Three 3 years ago this week, yesterday, marked the saddest day of my life. As much as I would not like to remember the exact date that we learned the devastating news that we lost our son at 21 weeks in utero, it is burned into the fabric of my being. My body and soul can not forget. This time of year is tough, with the holidays approaching- everything reminds me of our loss and the fact that our son Baby S is not here.

I am so grateful to have his brother Baby C here and all it takes is me looking at him to be so grateful. But my heart is so heavy today. Immensely heavy- it hit me like a ton of bricks today and I found myself weeping.

The grief of a mother or parent leaves such a void. No matter how much joy I have received there is still a sad spot in my heart.

Even though I think of Baby S every day, I rarely allow myself to feel sorry for myself. But today, I am sorry for his loss, sorry for us, sorry for his brother. I know I will pull out of this shortly but the grief weighs heavy right now. My heart is sad for all of the babies who are lost and all of their families.

Saturday, November 26, 2011


Aunt Flo has made her unwelcome visit this month. BOOOOO. Am I surprised? Not really.. Although I was trying not to pay much attention to how I was feeling physically, I was noticing that I was not feeling a single symptom during the past two weeks. (In my previous 2 pregnancies I had symptoms very early on). Am I disappointed? Indeed.. feeling a little broken, and frustrated with my body.

With the holidays approaching (and the crappy high expense of fertility treatments) we will likely hold off for at least a month. For now, I will focus on my sweet son who is here. I never lose sight of how fortunate I am to have him and that overrides any negative feelings. Also, in the coming weeks I am going to try to step it up with healthy eating and exercise/yoga, maybe acupuncture too- mainly for my overall well being. Could be tricky for me holiday time though.

Thinking of my blog friends and wishing you the best where you are in your journeys!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Chinese Good Luck

Yesterday and today we completed our IUI. I feel a lot crampier and more uncomfortable than I recall feeling in the past. However, I am glad to be done with that step. Tomorrow I start progesterone and baby aspirin. I hope the 2 WW goes by quickly- I plan to stay distracted.

Last night we ate sushi and following dinner we opened the fortune cookies they gave to us. DH's was kind of lame- I don't even remember now what it said. But here is what mine read, "A golden egg of opportunity will fall in your lap this month." :) I mean I'm not all that superstitious, but we instantly got a kick out of it. Also day 1 of the IUI (which my RE said is the more important of the 2) was 11-11-11... For the Chinese the date signifies good luck. The numbers rhyme with "one husband, one wife and one soul" in Chinese.

Obviously I'm not putting too much stock into all of this- but hey, I will take all the luck I can get!

Bring on the golden egg!!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Some things that don't change about infertility & next IUI

Last month was month 10 for us ttc for another baby. I know that after 6 months without success over age 35, medical intervention is recommended. So for the past few months I've been back at the RE going through the preliminary steps (work-ups, bloodwork etc). This month is the first that everything is complete in order for us to do an IUI. That made last month the final one of ttc on our own. Although I've been dealing with infertility for over 4 years now, like so many others in similar situations- I've hung on to the hope for a miraculous bfp that we achieve all on our own. What a dream come true that would be- especially if it resulted in birth of a live, healthy baby! Unfortunately that didn't/isn't going to happen. I found myself having to take a little time to myself to finally and completely let go of the possibility that it might.

Other frustrating things that about infertility that don't seem to change are:
- people/friends/co-workers etc. constantly getting pregnant around you at the drop of a hat
- the $$$ that you start shoveling out the minute you pursue fertility treatments
- the fact that the process is all somewhat worrisome, anxiety-producing, and stressful
- people asking when/if i "plan" to have another baby

Having one of my babies in my arms to hold definitely makes me incredibly grateful that I have such a wonderful gift. I just needed to vent that other stuff here in a place where people get it it to get it out of my system (for now ;).

Moving on...

I'm on Day 5 of injectibles and it's looking like we'll trigger and complete the IUI later this week/weekend. I'm trying to stay positive and keep my focus on a positive outcome. However, based on my history of failed attempts and baby loss plus my age 37.5, the reality (and those darn statistics!) creeps into my mind from time to time. One main thing that is different for me this go around is that I have had a moment or two of questioning whether I should being doing fertility treatments again... I mean, I have one child after all and even IUI/injectibles is f'ing expensive. However, we want another baby more than anything and are clear on the path we are willing to take. I just hope and pray that it results in a positive outcome. We would like more than anything to give our son a sibling and add another child to our family. Fingers, toes and everything crossed! :)

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Plans to proceed

First off, thank you blog friends for continuing to follow my journey and offer support! This is the only place where I feel like I can be fully open and I appreciate your friendship immensely.

I finished my work-up this month. The results from my FSH & Estradiol testing were ok. My #s are in the "fair" range, just barely below the "good" range. Of course I would much rather have my assessment be categorized as "good." However, I am relieved to not fall in the "poor" category. Also, my RE did not discover any major issues. My infertility is "unexplained"- I believe a major factor to be my age, nearing 37.5

The lab that I went to screwed up my blood work, so I had to have it drawn twice... thus, we will not be able to proceed with any fertility treatments this month. It is a little frustrating to be delayed due to their error, but what can I do.

Our plan is to move forward next month with an IUI. I have mixed emotions at this juncture... I am ready to move forward as TTC on our own is (again) not working. However, going through fertility treatments is a bummer. Also, with my "advanced maternal age" (UGH!) and not the greatest track record under my belt with fertility treatments, I am going to have to muster up the strength to be positive and optimistic. IVF is not going to be an option this go around, so I am a bit nervous knowing I have only a few chances with IUI. For the past few months I have struggled a bit with some anxiety & depression. It's something I've dealt with in the past (mainly after the loss of Baby S- during which time I sought treatment/therapy). So far I have been able to keep things in check but I will have to continue to work on that as well.

So here's wishing us all the continued strength and optimism to soldier on in our journeys and achieve our dreams!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Partial update on 2nd opinion from another RE

In my last post 2 months ago I recapped that after 6 months ttc and hoping that we would miraculously become pregnant on our own, I had a consultation with an RE that left me wanting a second opinion. The RE that performed our successful IVF with Baby C has moved out of State (we went to her after relocating 1 hour from our first RE) and DH & I don't mesh with this newer one's personality or approach. Therefore we are going back to our very first RE, whom we like and who did our very first IUI which resulted in Baby S (our son who very sadly we eventually lost at 21 weeks for unexplained reasons), even though she is an hour away.

I am partly through getting the 2nd opinion. Seeing our original RE was like a breath of fresh air. I was dreading going back to an RE office in general. And although I am by no means excited to be there, it is nice to see someone who we trust. We sat down and she thoroughly reviewed my history, including a long discussion about everything that has transpired over the past few years since we last saw her. She asked lots of questions, gave me the opportunity to ask plenty of questions, took notes, gave in-depth answers in a way I could understand... So different than the recent RE who basically took a mere few minutes to review my file and talked at me, not with me.

She did an vaginal ultrasound to examine my uterus and ovaries. My uterus is looking good- which is a relief, considering the polyp issue in the past and the fact that they can grow back. She didn't even feel it was necessary for me to have another sonohysterogram to check for polyps- which is good... one less step and also a money saver. She counted my andral follicles- and low and behold I still have a fairly good count. Afterall, my infertility has been categorized as "unexplained." I still need to have a blood draw to check my FSH, which in the past was in the ok/fair range.. although I am now 37.5 years old, so it has likely gone up. I was supposed to have my blood drawn on Day 3 last month, but was out of town. Since evil AF is here again this month, I will do the blood draw early this week. Also, we will do another semen analysis soon since at this point it has been a couple of years or more.

Thank you for any positive thoughts and support. This is the only place for me where people get it. I am sending positive thoughts to my blog friends at their various junctures in their journeys!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

NOT a good RE appt

So I visited the RE two weeks ago to assess my current status and get a recommendation on how to proceed with trying to get pregnant. Overall, his evaluation was not good. I was not surprised really, given that he stated some of my concerns before I had the chance to bring them up... that although my IVF resulted in our son, the results/numbers of the overall process were not ideal... ie. 12 eggs retrieved, 7 fertilized, 3 embryos grew & were transferred. Also I am now one year older- 37. He stated right off the bat, before any discussion, that his recommendation was IVF w/ICSI.

The purpose of my visit was to collect information, and that I did. However, the appointment left me wanting to meet with another RE- primarily because I have yet to click with this particular RE and his style. This RE is the one that I inherited when my previous RE abruptly left her job and moved out of state right when I got pregnant with Baby C. After learning I was pregnant, I had my first and second ultrasound appointments with him and wasn't crazy about him then... Although not entirely his fault since he suddenly inherited me as a patient, he was unfamiliar with my history (hadn't even reviewed my file) and I didn't click with his interpersonal style at that time either.

The RE began this visit stating he had taken "a couple of minutes" prior to my appointment to review my file. I understand that IVF w/ICSI would yield the highest success rate for me. However, I don't feel that I had the chance to review/discuss my history and ask some important questions... For example, although my IVF #s weren't great, at the time my RE wanted to try a few more rounds of IUI- it was DH&I who chose to move to IVF. In other words, a little over a year ago the RE that I had believed we had a chance with more IUIs. Also at the appointment the other day, FSH etc was not addressed- just that I have done IVF and am 37. One main question for me is whether trying medicated IUI(s) would be worth a shot. If IVF is the way to go, so be it. But I'd just like to know that all info was considered and all questions were answered. At least thoroughly review my file please. Not so much to ask when they are charging the big bucks for their services, right!?! ;)

It's quite possible that a second opinion will yield the same results, and I wouldn't be surprised. Doing IUI after IVF might not make the most sense.. But DH & I would prefer to take that route if there is any hope. From my perspective as a patient and from my experience, it's a much less costly and less intense route. And for various reasons I'm not sure we would pursue IVF again. We all know how important it is to like your doctor though , and this particular RE- despite probably being effective at his job- is not the one for me. Therefore, I am going to see my original RE who is an hour away- but in the same practice as the guy that I saw the other day. The only reason why I didn't go back to her (RE#1) after losing baby S is that we have had moved to another town and she recommended RE #2. Still following? It's starting to confuse me too. :)But what I do know is that I click with her and she will be open for discussion.

Anyway, I'm still digesting the information I received. Please wish me luck with my appointment this Wednesday... I feel like I need it!! Thanks.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Here I am- TTC Again

Hi, blog friends! I'm still out here following my blog peeps-- but I have let WAY too much time pass without posting. So it's time for a brief update from me on my rainbow baby, baby loss grief, and finally..I am trying (unsuccessfully so far) to conceive again.

First off, Baby C is doing awesome. He is happy, healthy guy who is about to turn ONE! Just like everyone says, the time flies. I have enjoyed every moment with him and am incredibly grateful each day for him.

On the baby loss front, the grief does creep up on me at times... but much less frequently than it used to. Not a day goes by that I do not think of Baby S- he is with me always. For a while I felt like I was seeing baby boys everywhere I looked who would be the same age as my Baby S- and that really tugs at my heartstrings. Having a baby in my arms certainly helps with the grief, and perhaps as time continues to move forward from our loss. However, I have had a few days where my heart is just plain heavy in grief over Baby S. But overall, I try and am able maintain a pretty decent balance.

So I am happy to have a healthy baby and am managing my grief... but I'm TTC again, which I suppose is the main thing driving me to get blogging again. Now here is the update on that...DH and I decided that as soon as we were ready and able to, we wanted to start TTC again. In January, I had just stopped nursing and was feeling relatively good physically. At that time, our journey to start a family began 3.5 years earlier and I was 36.5 years old (now 37). So we figured if we are going to try and we feel up for it- let's do it.

Despite having dealt with unexplained infertility previously and my 2 pregnancies were the result of IUI and IVF... A big part of me hoped that this time would be different. That somehow just like I experienced an unexplained "fluke" that took my baby, and unexplained infertility... I was holding out hope that I would have an unexplained happy suprise once I started trying. Well, that didn't happen. So here I am. I definitely feel less stressed this go around, probably because I am blessed with one living child. Also, I'm not sure if I am up for the battle. Anyway, I decided to make an appointment with the RE just to touch base, evaluate the status, find out my current FSH level etc.

I'm not sure where my journey will go at this point. One thing that I have learned from this blog community is when you want a baby, you want a baby. That's not a question for me. Until now, I have avoided thinking about what I would be willing to go through to get there.

I'd love to hear from you all. I'm glad that two years in to this community, I am reading many success stories and stories filled with hope of those I have been following. There are still a couple of friends who I can't wrap my brain around how they have been put through so much. Needless to say, I appreciate this community and look forward to our continued support of one another.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Just Checking In!

Although I have blogged very little over the past seven months since Baby C arrived, I have continued to hop on here to offer support to others dealing with babyloss or who are struggling with infertility regularly. I think of my blog friends often, keep everyone's journeys in my thoughts and prayers, and celebrate others' progress.

The main reason for not writing much, I suppose, is my wanting to stay present during this precious time with my rainbow baby C. You see, my blog started when I was in the depths of grief, then stuggling after babyloss with infertility, and continued through my second pregnancy. Often when I wrote I was processing grief, fear, and anxiety. I will probably always carry grief and deal with many difficult emotions on regular basis. However, I am in a new place now with the arrival of my rainbow baby. And that big part of my life is not what this blog is going to become all about.

This blog has been the place where I am free to remember my first son Baby S openly and freely among people who understand. And I still need to check in and visit this community. These days when I miss Baby S I find myself in a delicate place where I am constantly finding myself challenged: trying to balance remembering my first son without the sadness/self-pity/anger at the same time. I struggle with that balance often. So I feel somewhat conflicted at times. I truly feel blessed and have so much gratitude for where I am right now. It's just that sometimes I have to reel myself back in from spiraling into sadness and pity and bring my focus back to acceptance.

My rainbow baby, Baby C, is doing great. :) He is a happy, healthy 7 month old. He is smiley and a giggler, and very much a busy boy. I could not count the number of times that I have thanked him and thanked the universe that he is here. I am sure I would feel incredibly grateful had this been an easy journey getting here.. but having faced the difficulties that we did I feel like I am bursting with gratitude sometimes. He is truly amazing. To borrow a line from's Daddy, I feel like "the luckiest, unluckiest person in the world."