Here I am- TTC Again

Hi, blog friends! I'm still out here following my blog peeps-- but I have let WAY too much time pass without posting. So it's time for a brief update from me on my rainbow baby, baby loss grief, and finally..I am trying (unsuccessfully so far) to conceive again.

First off, Baby C is doing awesome. He is happy, healthy guy who is about to turn ONE! Just like everyone says, the time flies. I have enjoyed every moment with him and am incredibly grateful each day for him.

On the baby loss front, the grief does creep up on me at times... but much less frequently than it used to. Not a day goes by that I do not think of Baby S- he is with me always. For a while I felt like I was seeing baby boys everywhere I looked who would be the same age as my Baby S- and that really tugs at my heartstrings. Having a baby in my arms certainly helps with the grief, and perhaps as time continues to move forward from our loss. However, I have had a few days where my heart is just plain heavy in grief over Baby S. But overall, I try and am able maintain a pretty decent balance.

So I am happy to have a healthy baby and am managing my grief... but I'm TTC again, which I suppose is the main thing driving me to get blogging again. Now here is the update on that...DH and I decided that as soon as we were ready and able to, we wanted to start TTC again. In January, I had just stopped nursing and was feeling relatively good physically. At that time, our journey to start a family began 3.5 years earlier and I was 36.5 years old (now 37). So we figured if we are going to try and we feel up for it- let's do it.

Despite having dealt with unexplained infertility previously and my 2 pregnancies were the result of IUI and IVF... A big part of me hoped that this time would be different. That somehow just like I experienced an unexplained "fluke" that took my baby, and unexplained infertility... I was holding out hope that I would have an unexplained happy suprise once I started trying. Well, that didn't happen. So here I am. I definitely feel less stressed this go around, probably because I am blessed with one living child. Also, I'm not sure if I am up for the battle. Anyway, I decided to make an appointment with the RE just to touch base, evaluate the status, find out my current FSH level etc.

I'm not sure where my journey will go at this point. One thing that I have learned from this blog community is when you want a baby, you want a baby. That's not a question for me. Until now, I have avoided thinking about what I would be willing to go through to get there.

I'd love to hear from you all. I'm glad that two years in to this community, I am reading many success stories and stories filled with hope of those I have been following. There are still a couple of friends who I can't wrap my brain around how they have been put through so much. Needless to say, I appreciate this community and look forward to our continued support of one another.