Friday, October 19, 2012

unexpected (in a very good way!)

Infertility is a wild ride indeed. A few significant events for me to report from this week!...

FIRST:

Early this week I met with a new RE (since we've relocated again. this will be my 3rd clinic & 4th specialist).

We had a thorough discussion of my history ttc, covering the past five-plus years. He had obviously read my thick file in detail (which I so appreciated), he asked me many questions, and provided thorough explanations of my questions to him. His advice for next steps: another sono.hysterogram, new bloodwork, continue current meds (Folgard and B.A.) and plan for IVF w/ICSI & PGD. We don't know how we would pay for all of that. He also drove home two points, which I already knew: 1) time is not on my side (rapidly approaching age 38.5) and 2) my track record of several failed IUIs using IVF strength meds and the result of my IVF (although successful) was not impressive in terms of eggs produced and fertilization.

I left that meeting feeling good about the doctor, but dismayed about the outlook for me pursing more treatments.

THEN:

October 15th- baby loss remembrance day. When I stop and think about it, it almost still feels hard to believe my loss of Baby C at 21 weeks and that I went through another miscarriage a few months ago. I think of all of the women in this community, the stories of loss and struggle. All of the babies who are missed and loved. All of the hearts that will never be quite the same. Prior to five years ago I didn't know the depth of people's pain and sorrow, nor my own. The support that is shared in this community and the strength of all of the women in it is astounding.

FINALLY:

Throughout the past five-plus years (with the exception of cycles where I was doing treatments, was pregnant, or was recovering from loss) we have continued to ttc naturally every month, even though I'd been told long ago that my chances of conceiving this way were 0%. I OPK and follow up with a pregnancy test each time- crazy as it is. I can not count the number of pee sticks and BFNs.

We tried last month and now...

I am pregnant.

In awe.

Grateful to my body for once in a very, very long time. And grateful to the universe.

Scared of all the things that can go wrong.

Guilty thinking of those who need a BFP too.

So many mixed emotions.

Above them all.

Grateful.


15 comments:

  1. Holy crap!! No way!? This is great. Yay!!! I will be praying like MAD!!

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  3. CeCe, congratulations! I am so, so happy for you!

    Wishing you a healthy and happy 9 months.

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  4. Amazing!! Congratulations, and I will be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping that this is the one. Little "0%" really wants to be a baby. Hopefully he/she will be a fighter!

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  6. Such wonderful news! Congrats!!

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    1. Thanks, Annie! Good to hear from you. Hope you and your family are doing great.

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  7. Oh CeCe! I am SO happy to read your news. It's so strange. I saw that you had a new post in my reader feed and my heart skipped a beat because I just thought that it might be good news. And I read the first bit and felt so disappointed that it wasn't what I thought. I thought that the good doctor was the unexpected bit, the 'thinking about it' bit the good bit.

    Now I'm here and I have read the WHOLE POST and I'm grinning from ear to ear.

    I'm sure that LuckyOnce is right. 0% really, really wants to be. Hoping and wishing and praying and crossing my fingers and toes and eyes and hair and anything else crossable for you and this little one.

    And October 15th is a very difficult day. Sometimes the loss of those little ones is just for enormous. All that love and anticipation and yearning. Baby C is not forgotten xo

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    1. Thanks so much, Catherine! You have a way with words, as always. :)

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  8. Your story is so inspiring thanks for sharing

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    1. Thank you very much for your kind comment. Sending giant positive thoughts and prayers to India during your 2 ww! I will be following.

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