Wednesday, August 22, 2012

feeling a little all over the place

Since my last post a few weeks ago, my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place.

Recap of my status:
Years ttc overall- 5 years
Fertility treatments- 7 IUIs, 1 IVF
Pregnancies- 3 (all achieved through treatment)
Baby loss- 2 (1 stillbirth @ 21 weeks, 1 miscarriage 7.5 weeks) 
Age- 38

Add all of that up and it's not the most promising picture to achieve another live birth, and most definitely some aggressive and very expensive steps will be required to move forward. We've spent a whole lot of money on this journey so far, and financially we need to take a hard look at our situation. On top of that, being back in the throes of ttc and failing at it over the last 1.5 year has resulted in a gradually growing depression and anxiety. These are issues that I am genetically predisposed to and have faced in the past- usually around times of major change or loss. Following the loss of our first son, I sought therapy and medication. I am starting to realize that my miscarriage back in May has affected me more than I expected. Although it wasn't nearly the devastation and shock I experienced in a second trimester loss, I am feeling the grief longer than I anticipated.

We are about to move out of state, which is a huge change and will also require new doctor(s). Fortunately I I have been able to get a recommendation for an RE in my new town. (Thank you, S!)  At this point we don't have a plan. That probably adds to my feeling vulnerable and somewhat defeated. In fact, I will continue to be on hold for a bit while I await more results from RPL blood testing (much more on that in a new post when I have all the info!), while we deal with the move, and while I focus on my health and try to get my head straight.

I am also noticing the long term affects of infertility. While we are desperate to bring home our first baby, so many things around us are difficult. Once we have a live baby in our arms, a lot of those factors around us do become easier, but they do not go away entirely. In the time that I have been ttc a sibling for toddler C, all of his playmates now how younger siblings or siblings on the way. I still find myself surrounded mostly by fertiles who make naive comments. "Come on, jump on the pregnancy bandwagon!" "You must think we are crazy for have TWO little ones now." Really people? Ladies, if only you had any idea what so many people go through. At times I try to tactfully educate these people- but alas it ends up being seemingly lost on them and is a difficult task for me. 

I've probably been overly emotional lately because of this pending move (leaving friends, the stress of moving etc). But I've cried quite a few times in recent weeks, more than I would care to. I am eternally grateful for my living son. Right now I need to focus my love and attention on him. This journey at times has also taken a toll on my marriage- the stress, the sadness, the expense. I am going to try my best to be at peace right now, be present, be open to possibilites, be grateful, and to love the people around me.

Thoughts, comments?


  1. I'm sorry. This whole situation just stinks and is so unfair.

    You have an awful lot going on right now with your impending move. Maybe wait until you get settled, give yourself some time, and then see how you feel?

    (And btw, if you want someone--a professional--to talk with about all this, I can refer you to a great local counselor who is experienced with IF and loss.)

    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts- and yes, please email me the name. Hopefully she/he will be in my insurance network. I remember that your counselor was helpful. Thanks once again!! :)

  2. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can definitely relate. I agree that you are going through a lot right now and maybe after you get moved & settled, you can see how you are feeling about things. I am going through a similar type of experience right now. I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow. I am wishing you all the best and hope that your move goes smoothly. Thinking of you.

    1. Thank you, Leslie. All the best to you too!

  3. Cece, all of this totally sucks. In spite of my losses, I feel blessed to be where I am. I know that if I were in your position, I would feel the same way as you do. It's not fair that you can't have another baby if you want one, and feeling like "it's not enough" does NOT mean that you love your son any less. xo Hoping for the best for you.

    1. Thank you for your supportive words- I really appreciate it.

  4. Oh CeCe. I know I haven't been commenting much lately but I am here, still reading. And it's just so unfair. As your blog title states so perfectly, some aspects of life are not rated PG. They aren't things that everyone wants to hear about.

    I had a first trimester loss (entirely different from yours as it was a blighted ovum rather than a baby) but it is just such a . . . defeat.

    And, like you, I HATE not having a plan. I'm sorry for all the naive comments and the 'TWO little ones' remarks. A mom at toddler group once told me that she thought I had left too large a gap between J and R. She has a boy and twin girls very close together. I could have kicked her. I didn't want to leave that large a gap but one of my girls died and then I had a miscarriage and then I didn't fall pregnant for a year (which isn't even that unusual and certainly not anywhere near what you've been through) Still really hurt me. Oh I'm just so sorry that people seem to feel free to comment on such personal matters.

    I hope that the move goes well, it must be very unsettling. You seem like such a lovely, caring, grounded person. Your children are lucky to have an amazing mother. Hope that the next few weeks pass peacefully for you xo

    1. Thank you for your thoughtful comments, Catherine. It is nice to know you are still there- I am still following your beautifully written blog as well.

      Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.