Saturday, September 8, 2012

I swear your body remembers

I have been super busy over the past few weeks as we were in the midst of an out-of-state move. Moving is a pain.  However, things have been falling into place with that. Meanwhile, we were traveling and on the move. As ready as a felt to do this move, I have been in the biggest FUNK. You know- when you are just feeling crappy and you don't know why and you can't help it, but you wish you could.

For me when this happens it normally has to do with my cycle- yet somehow at the time I forget this. Then when AF arrives, it's like "no wonder!" No wonder I was in such a crappy mood for no reason! There really was a reason. Somehow for years and years I experience this and every time it feels like a new "Aha!" moment. Anyone else ever feel that way?

This was different though. The funk was lingering. I was in a bad, sad mood wayyyy longer than the usual day or two. Then, it occurred to me...

If I were still pregnant, I would have just rounded the bend of my stillbirth date (21 weeks) and nearing the viability milestone. When I was pregnant in May, I didn't let myself get too exited of course. However, I did note the due date (which would be at Christmas/the new year). I did also mentally note when the first trimester would be complete (right when we would see both of our families last summer). But that was all. Once the miscarriage happened, I wiped those dates from my mind.

But my body remembers.

Has this happened to you after baby loss?

It certainly happened after my first loss. Losing Baby S at 21 weeks left me with an empty womb that ached for that baby to be there. I didn't know what first trimester loss felt like until a few months ago. Would it be different? Easier somehow?

I still carry some grief from this most recent loss. It's not nearly the devastation I went through with a stillborn, and it being my first pregnancy. Not that one matters more than the other, but they are different.

What I didn't expect this time is for my body to remember the baby. I bounced back pretty quickly this time- mentally and emotionally, relatively speaking. However, I now have complete clarity on why I've had a serious case of the blues these past two weeks. It's "what could have been." Again. And oh that would have been nice. Very nice.

I'll be ok though. I'm still fighting this fight. Don't know what my strategy is yet, but I am for certain hanging in.

Sending giant positive thoughts to all of y'all on  your journeys.

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