Last week my sweet baby S, who we lost at 21 weeks gestation, would have turned three. In the days leading up to his due date, I was feeling emotional and anxious. Although, it's hard to know how much of that was also the crazy-making injections.. but I could certainly feel the grief sweep over me. It's hard to imagine that I would have a three year old right now. What would the last few years have been like? What would our life be like today? If Baby S would have lived, would we have baby C here too? I'd like to think so. When I think about that I create a fantasy in my mind where both of my sons are here. That would be incredible. To make it even better, in the fantasy I get pregnant both times quickly/easily, without intervention, and experienced two blissful pregnancies. Oh how wonderful it would be to wrap my arms around both of my boys.
So I took a day to allow myself remember, and shed some tears (I can't help it). Then I do what I have to do, which is keep moving forward.
I suppose that is the what this space is all about for me and for many of us. It's not about the babyloss or infertility struggles really. It's about have a place to go to process the many emotions (both bad and good) and to gain support, feel understood and feel validated.
I miss my first child very much and suppose I always will. At the same time, I am reminded of how grateful I am so have my living child here. And I am also incredibly thankful for this community. Without it, I would feel very alone.