pause

This isn't our month. Again.

As much as I busied myself during this 2 ww..I was feeling a lot of fear, yet also a lot of hope. When the day to do my HPT finally came around, I was scared to do it. Normally I am nervous to check the test result, but have had no issue in the past doing the test part. Afterall, you wait what feels like for so long you kinda want to get the test part over with. This time I was so scared about the results that I put off testing for an extra day. I'm learning that failed cycles do not become much easier over time. I just wanted to remain in the phase where there is hope that you might actually be pregnant. Where is feels possible. The only better feeling would be finding out that you are pregnant. The worse feeling is the gigantic disappointment of knowing that you're not and despite the lengths that you go to trying. To me, it is more pleasant and peaceful staying in that in between- focusing on the hope, before facing the highly possible negative news.

DH was totally convinced this round that we were pregnant. He is usually hopeful, but this time he thought this was it for sure. His sense was not based on anything that I told him, because honestly we were so busy and I was being quiet. I didn't tell him all of the symptoms I was experiencing. I kept telling myself it was the cri.none... but at the same time I had not felt anything happening at all last round- and this time felt so bloated that it felt as though my uterus was pushing out. I kept telling myself it was not real, and that I wasn't pregnant... Yet this time around I kinda thought maybe I was. It just goes to show how all those extra hormones mess with your head.

TTC is a crazy-making business sometimes.

This morning I was in a big huge bummed out mood- which isn't normally like me. But... I'm going to get that out of my system ASAP and here is how:

I am going to muster up all of the positive energy that I can, not for me and my life... But for someone else.. I am going to send them all of the peace and goodness that I can. And I'm going to send it to someone who ever so much deserves it (as well as her dh)... and so does their baby who is at seven weeks gestation.

This person our sister--- yours and mine. She is a member of our babyloss and infertility community. This couple has been dealt more during their journey than I can possibly wrap my head around. They have endured 6 miscarriages and 7 IVFs, on top of that previously battled cancer. I am in complete awe of their strength, persistence and resilience independently as a couple. They are a source of inspiration and if you follow their story, you want nothing more in the world than for this amazing couple to be able to bring their baby home.

If you don't know of M.o and W.ill, visit their blog at lif.eandloveinthepetridish, and join me and the forces cheering them on.