Where will we go from here

Thanks for your kind words & empathy during my last post. Daw.n & Whit.e Picket Fence in particular, you have been an ongoing source of support and I appreciate it. My blogging is on the minimal side and I have few followers- which I am ok with... It's the quality not quantity for me!

The anniversary of my baby loss occurs in December, just before Christmas- so that is always a tough time for me. I suppose I may always need to be aware of being gentle with myself and taking the time to process. This year also fell on the heels of a failed IUI, which is big let down.

We decided to take off the month of December mainly because of the conflicting holiday hecticness and having guests in town. It was actually a bit of a relief to have a somewhat forced break, as I was able to relax a bit more and enjoy the holiday season. I'm noticing that I feel, and it seems the same with others ttc whose blogs I read, the need to keep forging ahead month after consecutive month with ttc. The loss of one month sometimes feels monumental, especially when advanced maternal age is a factor. As it turns out we have to take off the month of January too- but for good reason... a long-awaited vacation, and a tropical one at that. The timing doesn't fall during the exact optimal dates for ttc on our own, however we won't be in town for the sonograms/monitoring that preceed an IUI.

So this essentially self-imposed forced hiatus puts things at a standstill and is really making me/us take a step back. It's discouraging to invest yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and financially when the odds are not even in your favor. I'm trying NOT to focus on #s, rather just stay optimistic and keep up the hope. For your information, the success rate at my age 37.5 doing IUI + injectibles at my RE clinic is 20% for 3-4 cycles. We have one failed under our belt for this go around and we likely will not take additional steps beyond IUI.

Having one living baby does change the way that I feel to some degree. I don't feel as desparate this go around. I don't have the sense of fighting to the ends of the earth.. rather that we will give it our best shot within reason. It's tough for me to swallow that actually... I really, really, really want another baby, a living sibling for my son. And we have so much love to offer. But in the back of my mind I know that I have to be ready to be ok with however things turn out. I'm just not quite there yet. The reality is that I feel a little bit scared and quite uncertain about the future at this point.

At this time we are reevaluating our finances and things are going to be changing dramatically for me soon.. I've been able to be a stay-at-home mom for the past year and half, for which I am so grateful. However, we've stretched ourselves about as far as we can go and the time for me to return to work is quickly approaching. My main concern about that is the stress of starting a new job and the inability to have flexibility with my schedule may get in the way of ttc. Because of my *advanced* age (ugh) I constantly feel like time is of the essence and I worry about taking too much time away from our ttc efforts and too many obstacles getting in the way.

To end this post in an upbeat way, it makes me happy that some of my blog friends are in a good place wherever that is in their journey- whether it's achieving their dream (S, who is expecting twin boys soon!) and those who have gotten themselves to a place where they are at peace with how things have turned out.