For many of us, 2009 was supposed to be a good year. For me, it would have been my happiest. Sweet baby boy was due April 9th. Instead, we scattered his ashes in the ocean.
For all of us lostbabymamas and those struggling with infertility...here's to a new year of hope, possibilities and joy! I wish you all nothing but the best in 2010.
For me 2010 will be about forgiveness and letting go: forgiving myself for losing my child, and letting go of the bitterness that (for various reasons) tends to rear its ugly head.
I've finally taken the time to figure out how to scan and upload a photo on my blog homepage. (I know, not the world's biggest accomplishment- but I'm not too tech savvy over here! :) But I'm learning).
The ultrasound photo was taken at his 20 week scan... everything looked perfect. However, his heart stopped beating days later- we will never know why.
The footprints are the only tangible item that I have of my son's. At times they look so small- yet they always serve as proof, evidence that he was indeed a human life who existed and mattered.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Thinking of You
This week I was reading another lostbabymama's blog, when my dear husb asked, "What's wrong?? You look upset." Clearly my face was mirroring my heartache at what I read...
The blog entry asked for prayers for the blogger's friend who had just lost her baby on Dec. 16th, at 21 weeks. I lost my son just one day earlier last year, at the same gestational age.
My heart breaks for this woman, who has just entered a world that no parent wants to know. Although she's a stranger, I grieved for this mother. Now a lostbabymama, she is where I was at this time last year. It's a dark place- and it's not an easy journey that lies ahead.
Throughout the past year I have done a lot of grieving- for my sweet boy, for myself, for my dh. My thoughts are often with the moms of lost babies, and those women who are struggling to create a family. This holiday season I am counting my blessings. But my heart is truly with the other members of the baby loss and infertility clubs. I'm sending out prayers for strength and goodness in each of our journeys.
The blog entry asked for prayers for the blogger's friend who had just lost her baby on Dec. 16th, at 21 weeks. I lost my son just one day earlier last year, at the same gestational age.
My heart breaks for this woman, who has just entered a world that no parent wants to know. Although she's a stranger, I grieved for this mother. Now a lostbabymama, she is where I was at this time last year. It's a dark place- and it's not an easy journey that lies ahead.
Throughout the past year I have done a lot of grieving- for my sweet boy, for myself, for my dh. My thoughts are often with the moms of lost babies, and those women who are struggling to create a family. This holiday season I am counting my blessings. But my heart is truly with the other members of the baby loss and infertility clubs. I'm sending out prayers for strength and goodness in each of our journeys.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Today
One year ago today my sweet boy grew his angel wings, and my heart broke into pieces. It has been a long year as my heart has slowly been mending.. a part of me will always be missing.
I love you, son.
I miss you so much.
I would give anything to hold you in my arms.
You would be eight and a half months old now, crawling around like crazy. What would you look like today? What kind of personality would you have?
Not a day goes by that I do not think of you. I see glimpes in my mind's eye of you here with me. During my walks I picture you snuggled into your bjorn with me. I look at your dad and envision you sitting on his lap. I walk past your room and imagine you in a crib.
The things that I used to enjoy the most in life are not the same without you here.
You may not be here with us on earth..but you will always be on my mind and in my heart, my sweet, sweet boy. I love you always.
I love you, son.
I miss you so much.
I would give anything to hold you in my arms.
You would be eight and a half months old now, crawling around like crazy. What would you look like today? What kind of personality would you have?
Not a day goes by that I do not think of you. I see glimpes in my mind's eye of you here with me. During my walks I picture you snuggled into your bjorn with me. I look at your dad and envision you sitting on his lap. I walk past your room and imagine you in a crib.
The things that I used to enjoy the most in life are not the same without you here.
You may not be here with us on earth..but you will always be on my mind and in my heart, my sweet, sweet boy. I love you always.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
1st trimester screening
In a few days I have an appointment with a perinatologist for first trimester screening. This is something that my new RE suggested that I did not have done in my last pregnancy. He said he recommends that his patients get first trimester screening as a way to obtain more information on the pregnancy.. although I'm not sure if he meant he recommends this to ALL of his patients- or just those who've had previous problems with pregnancy.
The perinatologist that he referred us to is actually the same doctor who performed my 20 week ultrasound last year (standard procedure at my obgyn). Apparently the appointment should last about 2 hours and will include blood tests and genetic counseling. A big part of the appointment will be gathering information to decide if we should do further testing (CVS or amnio). For a couple of reasons I suspect they may suggest doing testing: 1) I am now 35 :( and 2) because of my second trimester loss. As the appointment gets closer I am starting to get nervous. The main things that I am afraid of happening are:
- discovering that I am a carrier of some genetic abnormality that might affect all of my pregnancies
- that there is something wrong with the baby
- having to decide about CVS and amnio (both of which are invasive and in an ideal world I would prefer not to do either)
I am also feeling ambivalent about the appointment in general. On the one hand, I want to have as much information as possible about the pregnancy. On the other hand, any reassurance just feels like false hope. One year ago the same doctor performed a 20 week ultrasound/screening on my son and everything looked perfect. One week later he was dead- for unknown reasons.
I would love to hear from someone who has been through first trimester screening or testing. Has anyone reading this done CVS or amnio?
The perinatologist that he referred us to is actually the same doctor who performed my 20 week ultrasound last year (standard procedure at my obgyn). Apparently the appointment should last about 2 hours and will include blood tests and genetic counseling. A big part of the appointment will be gathering information to decide if we should do further testing (CVS or amnio). For a couple of reasons I suspect they may suggest doing testing: 1) I am now 35 :( and 2) because of my second trimester loss. As the appointment gets closer I am starting to get nervous. The main things that I am afraid of happening are:
- discovering that I am a carrier of some genetic abnormality that might affect all of my pregnancies
- that there is something wrong with the baby
- having to decide about CVS and amnio (both of which are invasive and in an ideal world I would prefer not to do either)
I am also feeling ambivalent about the appointment in general. On the one hand, I want to have as much information as possible about the pregnancy. On the other hand, any reassurance just feels like false hope. One year ago the same doctor performed a 20 week ultrasound/screening on my son and everything looked perfect. One week later he was dead- for unknown reasons.
I would love to hear from someone who has been through first trimester screening or testing. Has anyone reading this done CVS or amnio?
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
My new RE is a MORON
Anyone who has experienced baby loss or infertility knows that well-meaning people sometimes say really dumb things that inadvertently sting us. I could rattle off a number of them that I've heard, like: "relax and you will get pregnant" or "there was probably something wrong with your baby if he died." Initially these types of comments would upset me (to the point of tears at times). Then a wise friend- who has dealt with more than her fair share of crap in life- reminded me that it takes courage to say anything at all to someone who is going through a difficult time. There is truth to that. So now when I hear such naive statements, I try to quickly let it go.
I had to put this letting-go notion into practice the last time that I saw my new RE (who I inherited a few weeks ago after my beloved doctor abruptly moved out of state). At my first visit I had to get him up to speed on my background because he had not read my file. I understood, I suppose, because he is probably swamped and just inherited me as a patient.
BUT THEN...
At the end of my second appointment as we were leaving, he asked: "Did they ever find out what happened with that thing?"
Um.... Do you mean my baby? My child? My son? The human life I created? Really-- "That thing?" WOW.
This man is a reproductive endocrinologist! Surely he should be better versed with appropriate terms to use. I mean, he could have just stopped at "Did they ever find out what happened?" Not to mention I reviewed at our initial visit that unfortunately despite all the testing we will never know what happened.
One more reason for me to hope and pray that everything goes well the next few weeks: to move on from this doc soon. Sadly too, my nurse coordinator for the past 6 months who I also loved was laid-off. The importance of our care providers can not be overstated. Not only are our health and pregnancies in their hands, but they become a bit more than that to us.. They represent support, safety, and hope.
I had to put this letting-go notion into practice the last time that I saw my new RE (who I inherited a few weeks ago after my beloved doctor abruptly moved out of state). At my first visit I had to get him up to speed on my background because he had not read my file. I understood, I suppose, because he is probably swamped and just inherited me as a patient.
BUT THEN...
At the end of my second appointment as we were leaving, he asked: "Did they ever find out what happened with that thing?"
Um.... Do you mean my baby? My child? My son? The human life I created? Really-- "That thing?" WOW.
This man is a reproductive endocrinologist! Surely he should be better versed with appropriate terms to use. I mean, he could have just stopped at "Did they ever find out what happened?" Not to mention I reviewed at our initial visit that unfortunately despite all the testing we will never know what happened.
One more reason for me to hope and pray that everything goes well the next few weeks: to move on from this doc soon. Sadly too, my nurse coordinator for the past 6 months who I also loved was laid-off. The importance of our care providers can not be overstated. Not only are our health and pregnancies in their hands, but they become a bit more than that to us.. They represent support, safety, and hope.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sex drive M.I.A.
My sex drive is missing in action. Has anyone seen it? Actually it's been gone for quite some time now, ever since the stress of ttc set in. The other day I jokingly made a comment to my husb, referring to a couple of years ago as being "back when I had a sex drive." It's true. I feel like from the moment that I encountered infertility my sexual desire was hijacked. First sex became an effort to make a baby. Soon thereafter came surgeries, fertility medications, injections, IUIs, a dead baby, IVF. The truth is, I really miss having a normal sex life. I miss having sex simply just for fun and to express my love for my dh. But it's tough to feel excited about sex when I don't feel good about my body and I don't feel all that great about myself. I struggle with feeling as though my body has let me down in the utmost way- by failing to keep my baby alive. And it's tough to feel good about my self amidst feelings of disappointment, anxiety, worry, etc.
CeCe needs to get her groove back! Here's hoping that my sex drive makes it's return SOON and with avengence. ;)
CeCe needs to get her groove back! Here's hoping that my sex drive makes it's return SOON and with avengence. ;)
Tis the season
As holiday time has arrived I am finding myself with mixed emotions. There are many things that I am thankful for: the little life that is forming inside of me, my dh who is amazing, the support that I am finding in this community of mothers, the five and a half months that I was blessed with my baby boy. I am really trying to overlook the pain and sadness that I experienced from losing my son and instead trying to remember that he still is a gift to me. He has taught me to love stronger, to have courage in the face of darkness, and to never take life for granted. I am a better mother because of him. For the first few months following his death, I could not think of my baby boy without feeling utter despair. Eventually I have come to realize that he would not want me to focus on the loss of him, but rather focus on truly living.
I can't help but also feel a sense of anxiety though. This time last year is when my world began to crumble. At Thanksgiving last year I was five and a half months pregnant blissfully celebrating with family and friends. Just days later was the doctor's appointment where I would learn the news that my baby's heart had stopped beating...it was like being hit by a truck. I have come a long way in a year, wading my way through grief. Yet a piece of my heart is still missing- always will be, I suppose. In the coming days I will approach the anniversary of the last time I felt my son move, the devastating doctor's appointment, the delivery, and the return home with empty arms. It is not an easy journey for you and me, us mothers who have lost our babies. I wish each of us peace during the holiday season and always. May we hold tight to the joy in our lives, including that which was brought to us by those who are with us in spirit.
I can't help but also feel a sense of anxiety though. This time last year is when my world began to crumble. At Thanksgiving last year I was five and a half months pregnant blissfully celebrating with family and friends. Just days later was the doctor's appointment where I would learn the news that my baby's heart had stopped beating...it was like being hit by a truck. I have come a long way in a year, wading my way through grief. Yet a piece of my heart is still missing- always will be, I suppose. In the coming days I will approach the anniversary of the last time I felt my son move, the devastating doctor's appointment, the delivery, and the return home with empty arms. It is not an easy journey for you and me, us mothers who have lost our babies. I wish each of us peace during the holiday season and always. May we hold tight to the joy in our lives, including that which was brought to us by those who are with us in spirit.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Hanging on!
Our wee one is hanging on! We went back this week for a follow-up ultrasound after our little scare and things are looking good. The doctor concluded that perhaps the embryo had taken a couple of days to implant, so the first ultrasound may have been done a little too early. Whew- we are so relieved!
DH and I had been feeling uneasy so we decided that we would both visualize a positive outcome. So for the past several days when I would start to feel nervous, I would picture seeing a vivid heart beat on the ultrasound screen. After we were able to breath a little better, DH told me what he had been visualizing and I thought this was so funny.... He was imagining a baby holding on to the roof of the uterus, dangling there during a storm- which then passed and all was calm.
It's still only 7 1/2 weeks, but I am feeling much more comfortable with this pregnancy. Instead focusing on reaching the second trimester as my first milestone, I am going to celebrate that I have achieved my first milestone- getting pregnant. :)
DH and I had been feeling uneasy so we decided that we would both visualize a positive outcome. So for the past several days when I would start to feel nervous, I would picture seeing a vivid heart beat on the ultrasound screen. After we were able to breath a little better, DH told me what he had been visualizing and I thought this was so funny.... He was imagining a baby holding on to the roof of the uterus, dangling there during a storm- which then passed and all was calm.
It's still only 7 1/2 weeks, but I am feeling much more comfortable with this pregnancy. Instead focusing on reaching the second trimester as my first milestone, I am going to celebrate that I have achieved my first milestone- getting pregnant. :)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
WORRIED!
Yesterday was my six week appointment. I received my first ultrasound, and it did not go as well as we had hoped.
First off, before I get to why I'm worried, let me recap why the appointment was off to a bad start...Upon arriving at my RE's office we learned that she no longer works there! Apparently she moved across the country for family reasons and supposedly sent a letter out to all of her patients a couple of weeks ago. I was just in her office 2 weeks ago and there was no mention of this. Anyway, I know that's life- it's her job, I'm just her patient. But I can not help but feel disappointed. So I've inherited a new doc and he's inherited me. And he is not someone who I would have chosen. Moving on...
The doctor was able to confirm that there is one pregnancy that implanted. However, we did not see the heartbeat that we hoped for. Initially the scan showed no sign of life. "I'm not seeing a heartbeat, " he flatly stated. My heart sunk. After searching for some time longer and maneuvering the wand around, he was eventually able to detect a very faint flicker of a heartbeat. So either the tiny life inside of me is already fading away, or it's developing slowly. I'm hoping with everything I've got that it's the latter and that everything turns out ok. It is still early after all. Although with our son we saw a strong, vivid heartbeat at six weeks (and he didn't make it to six months gestation). I can't help but feel nervous. I know there is nothing I can do about it and I'm clinging on to hope, yet I am scared. I go back in a week for another ultrasound.
I have received a few comments and want to say thank you for lending me some kindness and support!
First off, before I get to why I'm worried, let me recap why the appointment was off to a bad start...Upon arriving at my RE's office we learned that she no longer works there! Apparently she moved across the country for family reasons and supposedly sent a letter out to all of her patients a couple of weeks ago. I was just in her office 2 weeks ago and there was no mention of this. Anyway, I know that's life- it's her job, I'm just her patient. But I can not help but feel disappointed. So I've inherited a new doc and he's inherited me. And he is not someone who I would have chosen. Moving on...
The doctor was able to confirm that there is one pregnancy that implanted. However, we did not see the heartbeat that we hoped for. Initially the scan showed no sign of life. "I'm not seeing a heartbeat, " he flatly stated. My heart sunk. After searching for some time longer and maneuvering the wand around, he was eventually able to detect a very faint flicker of a heartbeat. So either the tiny life inside of me is already fading away, or it's developing slowly. I'm hoping with everything I've got that it's the latter and that everything turns out ok. It is still early after all. Although with our son we saw a strong, vivid heartbeat at six weeks (and he didn't make it to six months gestation). I can't help but feel nervous. I know there is nothing I can do about it and I'm clinging on to hope, yet I am scared. I go back in a week for another ultrasound.
I have received a few comments and want to say thank you for lending me some kindness and support!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Looking back...
It has been ten and a half months since we lost our precious son. As we near the one year anniversary, I'm reflecting on everything that we've been through and how my life has changed. This year has certainly been the most difficult of my life. The first few months after we lost our son were so hard. At first, every time I would think of him I would burst into tears. There were so many difficult emotions to process: shock, devastation, utter sadness, anger, frustration. It felt so unfair and I just missed him! Ten and half months later it's still unfair, and I still miss him..but I suppose I've learned to accept that.
Seeing my child's beautiful face and his little fingers and toes, only to know he was already no longer with us, was truly a heart-breaking experience. Giving birth to death is one of the darkest places that one can visit. During the appointment when we discovered that our son's heart had stopped beating, my doctor had tears in his eyes. "I am so sorry." He told us. He described the loss of a child as "something you would not wish on your worst enemy." It's true. There aren't that many things that I can think that are worse.
This grief process has been a true test of my strength, love, faith- my self. There have been challenges around every bend of this path. Facing family, friends, co-workers, strangers with the sad news. Returning to work only two weeks after our loss. Attending baby showers. Watching friends have babies. Seeing pregnant women. Seeing babies the age that my son would be. Holidays and vacations that our son should have been there for.
Like many mothers suffering loss, our pain is often coupled with the struggle to conceive. In addition to grief, there's the disappointment of failed attempts to conceive. The fear of pregnancy and infant loss. The frustration from years of just wanting your baby to hold. All of these things have been hard to get through. And the journey of grief continues. I suppose it never really ends. But perhaps we eventually reach a point of peace.
Seeing my child's beautiful face and his little fingers and toes, only to know he was already no longer with us, was truly a heart-breaking experience. Giving birth to death is one of the darkest places that one can visit. During the appointment when we discovered that our son's heart had stopped beating, my doctor had tears in his eyes. "I am so sorry." He told us. He described the loss of a child as "something you would not wish on your worst enemy." It's true. There aren't that many things that I can think that are worse.
This grief process has been a true test of my strength, love, faith- my self. There have been challenges around every bend of this path. Facing family, friends, co-workers, strangers with the sad news. Returning to work only two weeks after our loss. Attending baby showers. Watching friends have babies. Seeing pregnant women. Seeing babies the age that my son would be. Holidays and vacations that our son should have been there for.
Like many mothers suffering loss, our pain is often coupled with the struggle to conceive. In addition to grief, there's the disappointment of failed attempts to conceive. The fear of pregnancy and infant loss. The frustration from years of just wanting your baby to hold. All of these things have been hard to get through. And the journey of grief continues. I suppose it never really ends. But perhaps we eventually reach a point of peace.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
positive news :)
I received the results of my beta- and I'm pregnant! I was hopeful waiting on the news but was also bracing myself for more disappointment. My RE called me to give me the news. Immediately I felt a huge wave of relief sweep over me. It has been a roller coaster of a journey and it feels like there's so much at stake with IVF.
On top of feeling relieved, I am of course am happy. But I can help but also feel nervous. I'm nervous that I won't make it through the first trimester. And I'm nervous about after that. I'm afraid of more loss. I am afraid of my body letting me down again.
However, I can't think about these worries. I must focus on the happy part and remain optimistic. For now, I am trying to stay preoccupied until my first ultrasound in a couple of weeks.
My utmost gratitude to the universe for a BFP. I am truly so grateful.
On top of feeling relieved, I am of course am happy. But I can help but also feel nervous. I'm nervous that I won't make it through the first trimester. And I'm nervous about after that. I'm afraid of more loss. I am afraid of my body letting me down again.
However, I can't think about these worries. I must focus on the happy part and remain optimistic. For now, I am trying to stay preoccupied until my first ultrasound in a couple of weeks.
My utmost gratitude to the universe for a BFP. I am truly so grateful.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Waiting on Beta
I'm waiting on the results on my beta. I am hopeful, but extremely nervous. I can not even bear to think about anything other than good news. The waiting went by rather quickly this time, as I made a point to stay very distracted at all times. It wasn't until last night that the nervousness set it.
Praying for a positive.
Praying for a positive.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Lighting a candle
Today, October 15th, marks pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. This is a day that I was not aware of a year ago, but now- it will always be a day I remember.
Today- like each and every day- I think of my perfect baby boy..whose nose was mine, lips like his father.. whose precious life stopped at just 21 weeks gestation. I will always remember you my dear son. I miss you more than words can say and wish more than anything in the world that you were with us today.
Today, like most days, I think too of the many mothers out there who have endured the loss of a pregnancy or infant. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.
So tonight, I light a candle in honor of our babies. May they never be forgotten.
Today- like each and every day- I think of my perfect baby boy..whose nose was mine, lips like his father.. whose precious life stopped at just 21 weeks gestation. I will always remember you my dear son. I miss you more than words can say and wish more than anything in the world that you were with us today.
Today, like most days, I think too of the many mothers out there who have endured the loss of a pregnancy or infant. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.
So tonight, I light a candle in honor of our babies. May they never be forgotten.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Embryo Transfer
6 of the 11 eggs retrieved fertilized and we were scheduled for a day 3 transfer, which took place yesterday. 3 of the eggs only grew to 2 cells and were deemed likely to be arresting in development. The other 3 developed to 8, 6, and 4 cells. The doctor recommended transferring all 3, and we instantly agreed. Transferring 2-3 eggs is what is recommended for my age (35). And we want to increase our chances as much as possible.
DH and I were feeling hopeful and optimistic yesterday. He is convinced this is it. I am praying for a pregnancy, or more than one. So for now, we wait.
Today a little bit of fear crept in. What if this doesn't work? I was hoping that we would have had extra embies to freeze just in case. My mind also wanders to the fear of another loss.
However, I must immediately get these thoughts out of my mind and embody positive thoughts and energy...
Stick, my sweet little embies, please stick!!
DH and I were feeling hopeful and optimistic yesterday. He is convinced this is it. I am praying for a pregnancy, or more than one. So for now, we wait.
Today a little bit of fear crept in. What if this doesn't work? I was hoping that we would have had extra embies to freeze just in case. My mind also wanders to the fear of another loss.
However, I must immediately get these thoughts out of my mind and embody positive thoughts and energy...
Stick, my sweet little embies, please stick!!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Harvest Time
My egg retrieval was this morning. First let me back track to the 2 days leading up to it. I was incredibly bloated and uncomfortable- it felt as though my ovaries were about to burst! I was also a complete emotional mess too, on the verge of tears at all times. In fact, I broke down yesterday morning at work. :( Not good. Perhaps it was a build up of the last couple of years of this emotional roller coaster coupled with being super hormonal and anxious about the ER.
I am so relieved to be done with this step! It really wasn't too bad. I feel a slightly crampy and tired today but am taking it easy and am resting.
They were able to retrieve 11 eggs- which is a little better than I expected. Apparently a few of the smaller eggies were able to mature enough over the last couple of days.
So now I wait to until tomorrow to find out how many fertilized and how they are looking.
Come on eggies, fertilize! :)
I am so relieved to be done with this step! It really wasn't too bad. I feel a slightly crampy and tired today but am taking it easy and am resting.
They were able to retrieve 11 eggs- which is a little better than I expected. Apparently a few of the smaller eggies were able to mature enough over the last couple of days.
So now I wait to until tomorrow to find out how many fertilized and how they are looking.
Come on eggies, fertilize! :)
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
On pins and needles
I started my first-- and hopefully only-- IVF cycle about 9 days ago. The weekend before the process was to begin I felt a bit bummed. Perhaps it was a combination of disappointment that I haven't conceived naturally, combined with some dread of all the needles.
When I picked up my big bag of uber-expensive viles, needles and meds I instantly felt overwhelmed. Immediately when I returned home I removed the excess packaging that the various products came in and sorted them on my dining table. I felt better having organized them and laid them out. I also began to feel much more optimistic knowing I was able to make an effort towards getting pregnant. One of the most difficult aspects over the past several months has been the months where I have had to just wait.
The doctor prescribed injections of 3 Bravelle and 1 Menapur per day. When I opened the needle the first night that I was to start the injections, I was amazed that the needle was much longer than I anticipated. I swore my nurse coordinator told me it was small, similar to the gonarelex during IUIs. I decided that I couldn't inject the long needle into myself and had my DH do it instead. The shot was uncomfortable, but oh well.
On the 3rd night though, the injection was VERY painful. I seriously had tears in my eyes. I thought this can't be right. Sure enough it turns out I had been given the wrong needle by the pharmacy! The correct needle is only 1 inch. Thank God! From that point on I've been doing my own injections with no problems.
When I picked up my big bag of uber-expensive viles, needles and meds I instantly felt overwhelmed. Immediately when I returned home I removed the excess packaging that the various products came in and sorted them on my dining table. I felt better having organized them and laid them out. I also began to feel much more optimistic knowing I was able to make an effort towards getting pregnant. One of the most difficult aspects over the past several months has been the months where I have had to just wait.
The doctor prescribed injections of 3 Bravelle and 1 Menapur per day. When I opened the needle the first night that I was to start the injections, I was amazed that the needle was much longer than I anticipated. I swore my nurse coordinator told me it was small, similar to the gonarelex during IUIs. I decided that I couldn't inject the long needle into myself and had my DH do it instead. The shot was uncomfortable, but oh well.
On the 3rd night though, the injection was VERY painful. I seriously had tears in my eyes. I thought this can't be right. Sure enough it turns out I had been given the wrong needle by the pharmacy! The correct needle is only 1 inch. Thank God! From that point on I've been doing my own injections with no problems.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Hi Blogosphere! I'm here!
I've been a blog slacker. I mean a big one. I started this blog several weeks ago yet still haven't taken the time to post it within the community that I'm aiming to connect with...the amazing women who have stories and struggles similar to mine...the very people who I recently discovered who bring me strength, and who I would like to support along their journeys. It has brought me comfort knowing that I am not alone in the many emotions experienced from infertility and second trimester loss. But until I commit to blogging, how will they even know I am here? My blog goal for this week is to: 1) update the thing! 2) post it on the babylossdirectory.
Friday, September 4, 2009
So pissed- another cyst!
Two days ago my nurse coordinator called and let me know the general timeline for our first IVF cycle which would begin this month. My cycle started yesterday, so my embryo retrieval would be on approx. Oct 5th, and embryo transfer approx October 10th. It felt good learning what to expect and to know we are moving forward!
BUT THEN...
I went to the RE today for my cycle day 3 check. My left ovary looked good. However, my right has a big fat cyst!! I am PISSED. I've sat out two months already because of these buggers. But those were the result of the meds. I wasn't on any meds this time- this big fat jerk just decided to show up on its own!
Yet another curve ball. I am waiting for the results of my blood draw and to hear back from my doc on our revised plan.
BUT THEN...
I went to the RE today for my cycle day 3 check. My left ovary looked good. However, my right has a big fat cyst!! I am PISSED. I've sat out two months already because of these buggers. But those were the result of the meds. I wasn't on any meds this time- this big fat jerk just decided to show up on its own!
Yet another curve ball. I am waiting for the results of my blood draw and to hear back from my doc on our revised plan.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
On the brink
After losing our baby, we were advised to wait a few months before ttc. DH and I decided that we would return to the RE. We were familiar with the IUI process and wanted the focused care. In March 2009 we did IUI #1, with Clomid. The result: BFN. I also developed cysts due to the meds. So, I was put on birth control to shrink the cysts and would have to skip a month ttc. Our doctor recommended doing injectibles for the second round and we were game for that. We thought this was it- the pg test would be positive. I felt pregnant. I even threw-up randomly one morning. Apparently it was from the progesterone because attempt #2 resulted in another BFN and again, cysts. We would have to wait out the next month. Sigh. IUI #3 was scheduled for July. Third time's a charm, right!? Wrong. BFN!
After the third failed IUI last month a wave of defeat swept over me. Two years of ttc, the monthly roller coasters, the loss of our child, and all the poking and prodding caught up with me. My RE informed me that after 3 failed IUIs, it was time to reevaluate our plan. We could try one more IUI. However, she noted a couple of factors: a) my age... I just turned the dreaded 35 and b) my FSH level has gone up over the past year and is now at a level of concern.
Last week I had a saline sonogram to examine my uterine cavity to check to see if the polyps had grown back. Thankfully, they have not. DH and I were on the fence about whether to try another IUI or move on to IVF. RE gentled nudged us towards the IVF. So now I wait for my next cycle, which should start in a couple of weeks, to begin the process...
After the third failed IUI last month a wave of defeat swept over me. Two years of ttc, the monthly roller coasters, the loss of our child, and all the poking and prodding caught up with me. My RE informed me that after 3 failed IUIs, it was time to reevaluate our plan. We could try one more IUI. However, she noted a couple of factors: a) my age... I just turned the dreaded 35 and b) my FSH level has gone up over the past year and is now at a level of concern.
Last week I had a saline sonogram to examine my uterine cavity to check to see if the polyps had grown back. Thankfully, they have not. DH and I were on the fence about whether to try another IUI or move on to IVF. RE gentled nudged us towards the IVF. So now I wait for my next cycle, which should start in a couple of weeks, to begin the process...
O goodness: GRIEF
In December 2008, our baby was stillborn at 21 weeks. Like approximately 50% of those who suffer the loss of a child due to stillbirth, despite a battery of tests we may never know the reason for our loss.
Anyone who has lost a baby knows what a difficult, seemingly lonely grief it can be. We knew and loved our baby intimately. In an instant, our baby was taken from us- and we don't know why. Our hopes and dreams were shattered. Our hearts broke into pieces.
DH and I clung to each other in our grief. He tended to me during the horrible three days in the hospital, and during my recovery after. He was deeply saddened. I was a complete mess. Our friends and family shared their condolences and offered support.
Losing a child is difficult on so many levels. My child will live forever in my heart. And the grief I carry lurks just below the surface. But I forge ahead. Every day I forge ahead. And we continue our quest to have a family.
Anyone who has lost a baby knows what a difficult, seemingly lonely grief it can be. We knew and loved our baby intimately. In an instant, our baby was taken from us- and we don't know why. Our hopes and dreams were shattered. Our hearts broke into pieces.
DH and I clung to each other in our grief. He tended to me during the horrible three days in the hospital, and during my recovery after. He was deeply saddened. I was a complete mess. Our friends and family shared their condolences and offered support.
Losing a child is difficult on so many levels. My child will live forever in my heart. And the grief I carry lurks just below the surface. But I forge ahead. Every day I forge ahead. And we continue our quest to have a family.
Darkest Hour
Our 21 week appointment began with our doctor reviewing the positive results from our 4-D with the perinatologist. Everything looked perfect, he told us. He would only do the doppler monitor today and listen to the baby's heartbeat. Bummer, I said. We were hoping to see the baby.
As I laid back, relaxed on the table, our doctor placed the doppler monitor on my belly. We heard the familiar ocean-like sound and then a heart beat, which he distinguished as mine. The doc moved the doppler to another spot on my belly, then another. "Don't worry," he announced, "it takes time to pick up the baby's heartbeat sometimes with these machines." The truth is, I wasn't worried. Afterall, minutes earlier he discussed the excellent results of our exam just one week earlier.
Then doc began strategically placing the doppler in a clockwise motion around my belly. He was quiet. "I guess you will be getting a sonogram afterall," he announced, and quickly left the room. Oh good, I thought. I had wanted to see the baby. I looked over at my husband, he was sweating bullets. "Ok, now I'm getting nervous," I told him.
The events that unfolded in next several minutes felt like seconds. Everything moved in fast forward motion. Before I knew it I was being rushed to the sono room and was laid out on the table with the wand on my belly. The room was dark. I looked up at the face of the sonogram technician. Her eyes welled with tears as she disappointedly spoke the words "oh no.." My doctor's voice then followed, "I am so... sorry." I looked up at the screen to see my precious, perfect baby...motionless... lifeless...still.
Words can not describe the utter despair that we felt in the ensuing darkest of hours. We were in shock, completely devastated.
Our baby was gone.
As I laid back, relaxed on the table, our doctor placed the doppler monitor on my belly. We heard the familiar ocean-like sound and then a heart beat, which he distinguished as mine. The doc moved the doppler to another spot on my belly, then another. "Don't worry," he announced, "it takes time to pick up the baby's heartbeat sometimes with these machines." The truth is, I wasn't worried. Afterall, minutes earlier he discussed the excellent results of our exam just one week earlier.
Then doc began strategically placing the doppler in a clockwise motion around my belly. He was quiet. "I guess you will be getting a sonogram afterall," he announced, and quickly left the room. Oh good, I thought. I had wanted to see the baby. I looked over at my husband, he was sweating bullets. "Ok, now I'm getting nervous," I told him.
The events that unfolded in next several minutes felt like seconds. Everything moved in fast forward motion. Before I knew it I was being rushed to the sono room and was laid out on the table with the wand on my belly. The room was dark. I looked up at the face of the sonogram technician. Her eyes welled with tears as she disappointedly spoke the words "oh no.." My doctor's voice then followed, "I am so... sorry." I looked up at the screen to see my precious, perfect baby...motionless... lifeless...still.
Words can not describe the utter despair that we felt in the ensuing darkest of hours. We were in shock, completely devastated.
Our baby was gone.
irrationalizing rational fear
Following our Thanksgiving trip, our lives resumed to their normal busy routines. A week after the trip, it dawned on me for a moment that I had not felt the baby moving around much. Granted, it had not been long since I had first started feeling the flutters to begin with. I had friends who had freaked out over their babies not moving and everything turned out fine. I told myself that I was not going to obsess about this and be that crazy mom. In passing though I mentioned the lack of movement to my mom, who assured me that the baby was probably napping as babies do. I also told my sister in conversation, who said she had a similar experience while she was pregnant with her now three week old baby. So this is a common irrational thought had by pregnant ladies, I concluded. When I told my husband, he suggested that if I were concerned that I should call the doctor. But I had an appointment scheduled in just a couple of days. We felt confident that everything was ok. So I put the fear out of my head.
A few days later I was on the way to my appointment when my sister rang. We were on our way to say hi to our baby, I told her. Saying hi to our healthy baby while watching him/her move around on the sono is all I thought we were going to do.
A few days later I was on the way to my appointment when my sister rang. We were on our way to say hi to our baby, I told her. Saying hi to our healthy baby while watching him/her move around on the sono is all I thought we were going to do.
our happy holiday
In late September 2008 at 3 months pg, we shared the news with our families and friends. They were delighted. My parents and close friends knew of our ttc and my subsequent surgery. Neither of our families had grandchildren yet. However, both my sister and dh's brother were each expecting babies in early November. As a side note, my sister is one year older than I and we are close. I was happy for them, not only because she is my sis, but they also faced their own challenge ttc. My SIL on the other hand is a self-absored person who has also felt the need to repeatedly state that she got pg on her second try. And they weren't even married.
Anyhoo...
In November my cute little bump was showing and I felt great. The Friday before Thanksgiving week we had our 20 week appointment, a 4-D ultrasound done by a perinatologist. This was standard procedure in my ob's practice. It was amazing to see our baby in 4-D! We had decided that we were not going to find out the baby's sex. We loved our baby whether he or she was a boy or girl. We wanted it to be a surprise. On that day we saw all of the perfect little parts that made up our beautiful baby. His/her arms, legs, fingers and toes. We even saw our baby's face! He/she had my nose and dh's lips. All of his/her organs were functioning properly. Everything looked great. We were so so happy.
We spent the following week back home, visiting with family and friends for Thanksgiving. We had a lot to be thankful for and enjoyed celebrating this time with those closest to us. As I laid in bed Thanksgiving morning, dh put his hand on my baby bump as he did each day and we would talk to our sweet baby. The baby was active, and on that morning gave a swift kick to the exact spot where my husband had laid his hand. We both felt it strongly. It were as though he/she was saying hello back to us.
Anyhoo...
In November my cute little bump was showing and I felt great. The Friday before Thanksgiving week we had our 20 week appointment, a 4-D ultrasound done by a perinatologist. This was standard procedure in my ob's practice. It was amazing to see our baby in 4-D! We had decided that we were not going to find out the baby's sex. We loved our baby whether he or she was a boy or girl. We wanted it to be a surprise. On that day we saw all of the perfect little parts that made up our beautiful baby. His/her arms, legs, fingers and toes. We even saw our baby's face! He/she had my nose and dh's lips. All of his/her organs were functioning properly. Everything looked great. We were so so happy.
We spent the following week back home, visiting with family and friends for Thanksgiving. We had a lot to be thankful for and enjoyed celebrating this time with those closest to us. As I laid in bed Thanksgiving morning, dh put his hand on my baby bump as he did each day and we would talk to our sweet baby. The baby was active, and on that morning gave a swift kick to the exact spot where my husband had laid his hand. We both felt it strongly. It were as though he/she was saying hello back to us.
My first pregnancy
For the first three months of our pregnancy, dh and I told no one. We planned to wait until we hit the end of the first trimester mark- the supposed safety zone. We were excited, yet wanted to remain calm during those initial weeks. (Of course few friends picked up on our news when I wasn't drinking at social events, but didn't acknowledge it to us until later). To my surprise, at my 8 week appointment, my RE said "congratulations! you've graduated." What? I thought we couldn't feel confident about this pregnancy until after the first trimester was over. She explained that there was a less than 9% chance of miscarriage after 8 weeks. No more RE appointments. I had graduated on to my obgyn. Off I went with my the "graduation gift" that they gave to me, a baby bib and spoon.
The pregnancy proceeded in the coming weeks as normal. I was tired and nauseous, but that felt like a small price to pay for the miracle growing inside of me. At 11 weeks I had a brief scare, which turned out to be ok. During a pee break at work I saw blood. Not a lot. But a bright red quarter-sized spot. Now I knew blood was not something that you want to see when you are pg. So I called my RE immediately. It was 5:00 on a Friday so I got the doctor on call. She informed me not to worry unless the bleeding persisted heavily. In that case, I could be having a miscarriage. The bleeding ceased for a day. Then on Saturday night, the bleeding returned including some clotting. In the middle of the night, with visitors sleeping soundly in our guest room, dh and I went to the ER.
I prayed that our baby was ok, but at the same time braced myself for bad news. The nurse did a sono, while I gripped dh's hand...The tiny heartbeat was still there. I cried tears of relief. Our little baby had hung on. And I wanted nothing more than to bring this baby who we loved into this world.
The pregnancy proceeded in the coming weeks as normal. I was tired and nauseous, but that felt like a small price to pay for the miracle growing inside of me. At 11 weeks I had a brief scare, which turned out to be ok. During a pee break at work I saw blood. Not a lot. But a bright red quarter-sized spot. Now I knew blood was not something that you want to see when you are pg. So I called my RE immediately. It was 5:00 on a Friday so I got the doctor on call. She informed me not to worry unless the bleeding persisted heavily. In that case, I could be having a miscarriage. The bleeding ceased for a day. Then on Saturday night, the bleeding returned including some clotting. In the middle of the night, with visitors sleeping soundly in our guest room, dh and I went to the ER.
I prayed that our baby was ok, but at the same time braced myself for bad news. The nurse did a sono, while I gripped dh's hand...The tiny heartbeat was still there. I cried tears of relief. Our little baby had hung on. And I wanted nothing more than to bring this baby who we loved into this world.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Welcome to My Uterus
Two years ago I set out on my journey to have a baby. I was 33 years old, had been married for five years, and I felt it was time to begin trying. Having a family was something that I always knew I wanted. However my dear husb and I wanted to be married for a few years first, during which time we were both focused on our careers.
I was 32 when the burning desire to have a baby began. Friends all around me were having babies. I figured I had waited long enough, and did not want to wait any longer.. I did not want to be an older mom. Hopefully I would pop out a couple of kids within the next few years. Then life got in the way... a move across the country, new jobs- and suddenly a year had gone by with the urge to conceive gnawing at me all the while.
So when I turned 33, I wanted a baby pronto. I did not expect to get pregnant right off the bat. But after several months of ttc to no avail, I became a bit concerned. I had also noticed light spotting during the middle of my cycle. My OB referred me to an reproductive endocrinologist. A saline sonogram followed by an HSG showed two pretty good sized uterine polyps. One was situated near the top of my uterus, possibly blocking my fallopian tubes. Having excess uterine tissue could also potentially prevent implantation. I opted to have the polyps surgically removed.
At that point a year of ttc had gone by. A work-up of both me and my DH looked good. We were ready, and anxious. So, we proceeded with an IUI accompanied by Clomid. My body responded well, and a couple of weeks later we delighted to discovered that it had worked... I was pregnant!
I was 32 when the burning desire to have a baby began. Friends all around me were having babies. I figured I had waited long enough, and did not want to wait any longer.. I did not want to be an older mom. Hopefully I would pop out a couple of kids within the next few years. Then life got in the way... a move across the country, new jobs- and suddenly a year had gone by with the urge to conceive gnawing at me all the while.
So when I turned 33, I wanted a baby pronto. I did not expect to get pregnant right off the bat. But after several months of ttc to no avail, I became a bit concerned. I had also noticed light spotting during the middle of my cycle. My OB referred me to an reproductive endocrinologist. A saline sonogram followed by an HSG showed two pretty good sized uterine polyps. One was situated near the top of my uterus, possibly blocking my fallopian tubes. Having excess uterine tissue could also potentially prevent implantation. I opted to have the polyps surgically removed.
At that point a year of ttc had gone by. A work-up of both me and my DH looked good. We were ready, and anxious. So, we proceeded with an IUI accompanied by Clomid. My body responded well, and a couple of weeks later we delighted to discovered that it had worked... I was pregnant!
Recap of My Journey Thus Far
This is one woman's tale of trying to conceive. My story unfolds with a few high highs and some very low lows. The happy ending has not yet been reached. This blog was created as path to meet up with other travelers along their journey to destination family.
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