Thursday, October 29, 2009

Looking back...

It has been ten and a half months since we lost our precious son. As we near the one year anniversary, I'm reflecting on everything that we've been through and how my life has changed. This year has certainly been the most difficult of my life. The first few months after we lost our son were so hard. At first, every time I would think of him I would burst into tears. There were so many difficult emotions to process: shock, devastation, utter sadness, anger, frustration. It felt so unfair and I just missed him! Ten and half months later it's still unfair, and I still miss him..but I suppose I've learned to accept that.

Seeing my child's beautiful face and his little fingers and toes, only to know he was already no longer with us, was truly a heart-breaking experience. Giving birth to death is one of the darkest places that one can visit. During the appointment when we discovered that our son's heart had stopped beating, my doctor had tears in his eyes. "I am so sorry." He told us. He described the loss of a child as "something you would not wish on your worst enemy." It's true. There aren't that many things that I can think that are worse.

This grief process has been a true test of my strength, love, faith- my self. There have been challenges around every bend of this path. Facing family, friends, co-workers, strangers with the sad news. Returning to work only two weeks after our loss. Attending baby showers. Watching friends have babies. Seeing pregnant women. Seeing babies the age that my son would be. Holidays and vacations that our son should have been there for.

Like many mothers suffering loss, our pain is often coupled with the struggle to conceive. In addition to grief, there's the disappointment of failed attempts to conceive. The fear of pregnancy and infant loss. The frustration from years of just wanting your baby to hold. All of these things have been hard to get through. And the journey of grief continues. I suppose it never really ends. But perhaps we eventually reach a point of peace.


  1. I know you don't know me. I stumbled across your blog really. I guess I was just looking for heartbreak tonight. Something to remind me to feel. Let me explain, I understand the feelings you have because I also gave birth to a perfect stillborn baby boy named Jaxon. It has been just a little over a year for me now and some days it still feels like yesterday. My life was forever changed the day Jaxon died. The old me died with him and left a shell of me behind. I wanted to tell you though, keep your faith that it will get easier. I didn't believe that at all even at 10 months past losing him. No matter how many people told me that it got easier, I just couldn't believe it. That is, until I realized that it was slowly getting easier for me to cope with. I'll never forget. The pain will always be there. But time does heal all wounds. This is just one wound that leaves a serious scar.