It has been ten and a half months since we lost our precious son. As we near the one year anniversary, I'm reflecting on everything that we've been through and how my life has changed. This year has certainly been the most difficult of my life. The first few months after we lost our son were so hard. At first, every time I would think of him I would burst into tears. There were so many difficult emotions to process: shock, devastation, utter sadness, anger, frustration. It felt so unfair and I just missed him! Ten and half months later it's still unfair, and I still miss him..but I suppose I've learned to accept that.
Seeing my child's beautiful face and his little fingers and toes, only to know he was already no longer with us, was truly a heart-breaking experience. Giving birth to death is one of the darkest places that one can visit. During the appointment when we discovered that our son's heart had stopped beating, my doctor had tears in his eyes. "I am so sorry." He told us. He described the loss of a child as "something you would not wish on your worst enemy." It's true. There aren't that many things that I can think that are worse.
This grief process has been a true test of my strength, love, faith- my self. There have been challenges around every bend of this path. Facing family, friends, co-workers, strangers with the sad news. Returning to work only two weeks after our loss. Attending baby showers. Watching friends have babies. Seeing pregnant women. Seeing babies the age that my son would be. Holidays and vacations that our son should have been there for.
Like many mothers suffering loss, our pain is often coupled with the struggle to conceive. In addition to grief, there's the disappointment of failed attempts to conceive. The fear of pregnancy and infant loss. The frustration from years of just wanting your baby to hold. All of these things have been hard to get through. And the journey of grief continues. I suppose it never really ends. But perhaps we eventually reach a point of peace.