Sunday, August 23, 2009

Darkest Hour

Our 21 week appointment began with our doctor reviewing the positive results from our 4-D with the perinatologist. Everything looked perfect, he told us. He would only do the doppler monitor today and listen to the baby's heartbeat. Bummer, I said. We were hoping to see the baby.

As I laid back, relaxed on the table, our doctor placed the doppler monitor on my belly. We heard the familiar ocean-like sound and then a heart beat, which he distinguished as mine. The doc moved the doppler to another spot on my belly, then another. "Don't worry," he announced, "it takes time to pick up the baby's heartbeat sometimes with these machines." The truth is, I wasn't worried. Afterall, minutes earlier he discussed the excellent results of our exam just one week earlier.

Then doc began strategically placing the doppler in a clockwise motion around my belly. He was quiet. "I guess you will be getting a sonogram afterall," he announced, and quickly left the room. Oh good, I thought. I had wanted to see the baby. I looked over at my husband, he was sweating bullets. "Ok, now I'm getting nervous," I told him.

The events that unfolded in next several minutes felt like seconds. Everything moved in fast forward motion. Before I knew it I was being rushed to the sono room and was laid out on the table with the wand on my belly. The room was dark. I looked up at the face of the sonogram technician. Her eyes welled with tears as she disappointedly spoke the words "oh no.." My doctor's voice then followed, "I am so... sorry." I looked up at the screen to see my precious, perfect baby...motionless... lifeless...still.

Words can not describe the utter despair that we felt in the ensuing darkest of hours. We were in shock, completely devastated.

Our baby was gone.

No comments:

Post a Comment