Week 21

I just completed Week 21, which was the week that I lost baby S last year. This week had been hanging over me as the next milestone to be reached, and I was a bit anxious as it approached. I wasn't sure what I would feel like emotionally, but I anticipated there being some difficult emotions to deal with.

Surprisingly I did not feel quite as much anxiety as I expected. I thought that perhaps I would be feeling extremely nervous that the same mysterious event(s) that took my baby's life would happen again this week. Although I will not feel 100% confident with this pregnancy until I bring the baby home, I have come to terms with the fact that things are out of my control. And as a result, I have been feeling quite at peace these days. Of course I do obsess each day about whether or not the baby is moving, but overall so far my anxiety level has been manageable.

However, day one of this week hit me like a ton of bricks. That day I felt immensely, immensely sad. I cried and spent a lot of time reliving this time during the last pregnancy... what was I doing? What was I feeling? I thought about the red flags, things I said, things the doctors said... and of course ran through all of the maddening "what ifs." My sadness was in part for me, dh and the baby boy in my belly. It saddens me greatly that baby S is not here with us right now. I am also sad for baby S who is missing out on his life here with us. I miss him always, and have been especially missing him this week. My heart is heavy.

Baby S's little brother thankfully has been reminding me every day that he is here. I feel him the most in the evenings after dinner as I am relaxing on the couch. From this point on it will be unchartered territory for me with pregnancy, and I am looking forward to it.