Friday, February 5, 2010

The Different Me

One does not experience infertility or baby loss and remain unchanged. The past few years have brought some high highs and some low lows for me. High points: getting pregnant two times. Low points: losing a baby, and many failed attempts at getting pregnant. The low points seem to be much more prolonged and complicated than the highs in my experience. The grief of losing my son has been a difficult, ongoing process. The months of trying to conceive were filled with frustration and disappointment.

I feel as though I have been stuck in one long transition period...from my former self... to a different version of me... and I'm not sure what I will be like by the time this baby arrives.

I've changed.

In some ways, I suppose I've changed for the better. I have faced challenges that my former self would have never thought I would overcome. I've gotten in touch with my inner strength and now feel that I have the ability to move mountains. I believe that as a parent I will love even stronger and will have an even greater appreciation of my family. Trivial things in life that I used to worry about now seem unimportant to me. I no longer care what people think. I focus more on taking care of myself.

Some of my changes have been negative, which concerns me. There is a residual bitterness that lingers with me. It's hard to explain, but I feel somewhat jaded from this journey... I don't smile nearly as much as I used to. I have become a more private person, to the point of nearly shutting some people out. I feel more vulnerable and carry myself with less confidence. I am impatient when it comes to others' concerns, unless they are what I consider to be real issues.

At times I ponder my journey and wonder how I can use it to become an all around better me. When the day comes that I hold my baby in my arms, I know I will feel great joy. But will life still feel bittersweet? I suppose it might. For now, I will try my best to let go of the bitterness and focus on the sweet.


  1. I understand completely what you mean. There are days that I MAKE myself talk to people, i don't want to, but I make myself...I turn my cell off a lot more and hit the ignore button a lot more that I used to. I am also more impatient with others problems...I hate to hear whinning about useless issues, things that won't even matter tomorrow...I think it will fade, at least I hope it does...some days I do not like this new me and others I do...
    Thinking of you!

  2. I experienced loss the other way around - a live child, and then three losses, but in my experience, the losses have not jaded my feelings for my son. I hope that once this baby comes, it will actually give you a sense of peace, and you'll be able to heal even more from the horrible loss of your son. I'm sure it will never make it "better" but it will hopefully make your grief a little less raw.

    I know what you mean about feeling like you're becoming an even more private person and pulling away from people more. I feel like the same thing has happened to me. It is my hope that if this baby makes it, it will allow me to open up much more about my losses and hopefully to help others who are suffering in silence.

  3. I also know what you mean about becoming more private. I know I'm not in the blogging world, but no one I know in real life reads my blog. I find myself pulling away from people I've always been close to. I feel like they just don't understand.

    "...let go of the bitterness and focus on the sweet..." Much easier said than done. Good luck, and hopefully we all can do that.

  4. I can certainly relate about becoming a more private person. I was pretty private to begin with, but after multiple losses and now infertility I feel that almost no one "gets it" and the dismissive commentary from the "normals" (people who haven't been here and don't understand) is so irritating that I've almost completely given up trying to explain and many of them seem to have given up on me as well.

  5. I was nodding my head to every sentence of this post. I have definitely changed in many similar ways. I am certainly less patient and less sympathetic to minor complaints from other people now. And yes, probably more private as well.

    'For now, I will try my best to let go of the bitterness and focus on the sweet.' I try my best to do this too. There is still so much that is sweet in my life, I just need to remind myself sometimes.