One does not experience infertility or baby loss and remain unchanged. The past few years have brought some high highs and some low lows for me. High points: getting pregnant two times. Low points: losing a baby, and many failed attempts at getting pregnant. The low points seem to be much more prolonged and complicated than the highs in my experience. The grief of losing my son has been a difficult, ongoing process. The months of trying to conceive were filled with frustration and disappointment.
I feel as though I have been stuck in one long transition period...from my former self... to a different version of me... and I'm not sure what I will be like by the time this baby arrives.
In some ways, I suppose I've changed for the better. I have faced challenges that my former self would have never thought I would overcome. I've gotten in touch with my inner strength and now feel that I have the ability to move mountains. I believe that as a parent I will love even stronger and will have an even greater appreciation of my family. Trivial things in life that I used to worry about now seem unimportant to me. I no longer care what people think. I focus more on taking care of myself.
Some of my changes have been negative, which concerns me. There is a residual bitterness that lingers with me. It's hard to explain, but I feel somewhat jaded from this journey... I don't smile nearly as much as I used to. I have become a more private person, to the point of nearly shutting some people out. I feel more vulnerable and carry myself with less confidence. I am impatient when it comes to others' concerns, unless they are what I consider to be real issues.
At times I ponder my journey and wonder how I can use it to become an all around better me. When the day comes that I hold my baby in my arms, I know I will feel great joy. But will life still feel bittersweet? I suppose it might. For now, I will try my best to let go of the bitterness and focus on the sweet.