Recently I attended a dinner party of all women, most of whom I don't know very well. The woman seated next to me (who I've met before) asked me, "so what's new with you?" As it would be awkward to not share my news (especially considering my belly had just started showing), I told her that I am pregnant. She congratulated me. The woman seated next to her overheard and turned her attention toward us to join the conversation. They both asked me a couple of questions, like how far along I am, and then conversation moved to another topic.
During our brief exchange and then for the rest of the dinner, I kept thinking about the second woman involved in the conversation. The thing is, I know from a mutual friend that she had an early miscarriage not long ago and I assume she is probably currently trying to get pregnant. When I was struggling with infertility, and especially after my baby loss, it was hard for me to see and be around pregnant women. It seemed liked everyone was pregnant, had an easy time getting pregnant, and had easy pregnancies. Did I now represent all of that to this woman?
Yesterday I had a second experience of wondering if I am that person...
A close friend of mine informed me that after learning she was pregnant a few days ago, she just found out that she lost the pregnancy. When I received her email, I called her and left a message. I told her all the things that I thought I should: "I am sorry to hear your news. I am thinking about you. Take care. I am here for you. Please call me when you are feeling up to it."
Then I also rambled on and said things like: "I know good things are in store for you SOON." My friend is 36, recently married and got pregnant immediately. Previously she wasn't sure what was in store for her. I wanted her to know it was a good thing that she was able to get pregnant and did so quickly. So I expressed that in the message in an attempt to be encouraging.
After I left the message, I regretted even bringing up anything that might possibly overshadow my condolences. She just experienced a loss and I should have just told her I am sorry, am here for her and left it at that. When I lost baby S, there were things that people said to me which at the time stung, even though I knew people mean well. Am I now that person who says such things? I am hoping that my attempt at looking at the positive did not overshadow letting her know that I am truly sorry to learn her news.