Looking back...

It has been ten and a half months since we lost our precious son. As we near the one year anniversary, I'm reflecting on everything that we've been through and how my life has changed. This year has certainly been the most difficult of my life. The first few months after we lost our son were so hard. At first, every time I would think of him I would burst into tears. There were so many difficult emotions to process: shock, devastation, utter sadness, anger, frustration. It felt so unfair and I just missed him! Ten and half months later it's still unfair, and I still miss him..but I suppose I've learned to accept that.

Seeing my child's beautiful face and his little fingers and toes, only to know he was already no longer with us, was truly a heart-breaking experience. Giving birth to death is one of the darkest places that one can visit. During the appointment when we discovered that our son's heart had stopped beating, my doctor had tears in his eyes. "I am so sorry." He told us. He described the loss of a child as "something you would not wish on your worst enemy." It's true. There aren't that many things that I can think that are worse.

This grief process has been a true test of my strength, love, faith- my self. There have been challenges around every bend of this path. Facing family, friends, co-workers, strangers with the sad news. Returning to work only two weeks after our loss. Attending baby showers. Watching friends have babies. Seeing pregnant women. Seeing babies the age that my son would be. Holidays and vacations that our son should have been there for.

Like many mothers suffering loss, our pain is often coupled with the struggle to conceive. In addition to grief, there's the disappointment of failed attempts to conceive. The fear of pregnancy and infant loss. The frustration from years of just wanting your baby to hold. All of these things have been hard to get through. And the journey of grief continues. I suppose it never really ends. But perhaps we eventually reach a point of peace.

positive news :)

I received the results of my beta- and I'm pregnant! I was hopeful waiting on the news but was also bracing myself for more disappointment. My RE called me to give me the news. Immediately I felt a huge wave of relief sweep over me. It has been a roller coaster of a journey and it feels like there's so much at stake with IVF.

On top of feeling relieved, I am of course am happy. But I can help but also feel nervous. I'm nervous that I won't make it through the first trimester. And I'm nervous about after that. I'm afraid of more loss. I am afraid of my body letting me down again.

However, I can't think about these worries. I must focus on the happy part and remain optimistic. For now, I am trying to stay preoccupied until my first ultrasound in a couple of weeks.

My utmost gratitude to the universe for a BFP. I am truly so grateful.

Waiting on Beta

I'm waiting on the results on my beta. I am hopeful, but extremely nervous. I can not even bear to think about anything other than good news. The waiting went by rather quickly this time, as I made a point to stay very distracted at all times. It wasn't until last night that the nervousness set it.

Praying for a positive.

Lighting a candle

Today, October 15th, marks pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. This is a day that I was not aware of a year ago, but now- it will always be a day I remember.

Today- like each and every day- I think of my perfect baby boy..whose nose was mine, lips like his father.. whose precious life stopped at just 21 weeks gestation. I will always remember you my dear son. I miss you more than words can say and wish more than anything in the world that you were with us today.

Today, like most days, I think too of the many mothers out there who have endured the loss of a pregnancy or infant. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.

So tonight, I light a candle in honor of our babies. May they never be forgotten.

Embryo Transfer

6 of the 11 eggs retrieved fertilized and we were scheduled for a day 3 transfer, which took place yesterday. 3 of the eggs only grew to 2 cells and were deemed likely to be arresting in development. The other 3 developed to 8, 6, and 4 cells. The doctor recommended transferring all 3, and we instantly agreed. Transferring 2-3 eggs is what is recommended for my age (35). And we want to increase our chances as much as possible.

DH and I were feeling hopeful and optimistic yesterday. He is convinced this is it. I am praying for a pregnancy, or more than one. So for now, we wait.

Today a little bit of fear crept in. What if this doesn't work? I was hoping that we would have had extra embies to freeze just in case. My mind also wanders to the fear of another loss.

However, I must immediately get these thoughts out of my mind and embody positive thoughts and energy...

Stick, my sweet little embies, please stick!!

Harvest Time

My egg retrieval was this morning. First let me back track to the 2 days leading up to it. I was incredibly bloated and uncomfortable- it felt as though my ovaries were about to burst! I was also a complete emotional mess too, on the verge of tears at all times. In fact, I broke down yesterday morning at work. :( Not good. Perhaps it was a build up of the last couple of years of this emotional roller coaster coupled with being super hormonal and anxious about the ER.

I am so relieved to be done with this step! It really wasn't too bad. I feel a slightly crampy and tired today but am taking it easy and am resting.

They were able to retrieve 11 eggs- which is a little better than I expected. Apparently a few of the smaller eggies were able to mature enough over the last couple of days.

So now I wait to until tomorrow to find out how many fertilized and how they are looking.

Come on eggies, fertilize! :)

On pins and needles

I started my first-- and hopefully only-- IVF cycle about 9 days ago. The weekend before the process was to begin I felt a bit bummed. Perhaps it was a combination of disappointment that I haven't conceived naturally, combined with some dread of all the needles.

When I picked up my big bag of uber-expensive viles, needles and meds I instantly felt overwhelmed. Immediately when I returned home I removed the excess packaging that the various products came in and sorted them on my dining table. I felt better having organized them and laid them out. I also began to feel much more optimistic knowing I was able to make an effort towards getting pregnant. One of the most difficult aspects over the past several months has been the months where I have had to just wait.

The doctor prescribed injections of 3 Bravelle and 1 Menapur per day. When I opened the needle the first night that I was to start the injections, I was amazed that the needle was much longer than I anticipated. I swore my nurse coordinator told me it was small, similar to the gonarelex during IUIs. I decided that I couldn't inject the long needle into myself and had my DH do it instead. The shot was uncomfortable, but oh well.

On the 3rd night though, the injection was VERY painful. I seriously had tears in my eyes. I thought this can't be right. Sure enough it turns out I had been given the wrong needle by the pharmacy! The correct needle is only 1 inch. Thank God! From that point on I've been doing my own injections with no problems.

Hi Blogosphere! I'm here!

I've been a blog slacker. I mean a big one. I started this blog several weeks ago yet still haven't taken the time to post it within the community that I'm aiming to connect with...the amazing women who have stories and struggles similar to mine...the very people who I recently discovered who bring me strength, and who I would like to support along their journeys. It has brought me comfort knowing that I am not alone in the many emotions experienced from infertility and second trimester loss. But until I commit to blogging, how will they even know I am here? My blog goal for this week is to: 1) update the thing! 2) post it on the babylossdirectory.