Three

Last week my sweet baby S, who we lost at 21 weeks gestation, would have turned three. In the days leading up to his due date, I was feeling emotional and anxious. Although, it's hard to know how much of that was also the crazy-making injections.. but I could certainly feel the grief sweep over me. It's hard to imagine that I would have a three year old right now. What would the last few years have been like? What would our life be like today? If Baby S would have lived, would we have baby C here too? I'd like to think so. When I think about that I create a fantasy in my mind where both of my sons are here. That would be incredible. To make it even better, in the fantasy I get pregnant both times quickly/easily, without intervention, and experienced two blissful pregnancies. Oh how wonderful it would be to wrap my arms around both of my boys.

So I took a day to allow myself remember, and shed some tears (I can't help it). Then I do what I have to do, which is keep moving forward.

I suppose that is the what this space is all about for me and for many of us. It's not about the babyloss or infertility struggles really. It's about have a place to go to process the many emotions (both bad and good) and to gain support, feel understood and feel validated.

I miss my first child very much and suppose I always will. At the same time, I am reminded of how grateful I am so have my living child here. And I am also incredibly thankful for this community. Without it, I would feel very alone.

another 2 week wait

Today was our third IUI trying for this baby. Please, please, please let this be it! My daily dosage of folli.stim was increased this go-around to 225 iu per day (previously 150). We had 3 good sized follies (same as the last 2 rounds) but a lot more small ones. So not really anything additional in my favor this time, but let's hope that we get a good egg. The only differences I can note are the side effects due to the increase in the meds. I have felt terribly nauseous for the past few days. And exhausted. And my skin has broken out a bit. Blech.

Hoping and praying over here.

pause

This isn't our month. Again.

As much as I busied myself during this 2 ww..I was feeling a lot of fear, yet also a lot of hope. When the day to do my HPT finally came around, I was scared to do it. Normally I am nervous to check the test result, but have had no issue in the past doing the test part. Afterall, you wait what feels like for so long you kinda want to get the test part over with. This time I was so scared about the results that I put off testing for an extra day. I'm learning that failed cycles do not become much easier over time. I just wanted to remain in the phase where there is hope that you might actually be pregnant. Where is feels possible. The only better feeling would be finding out that you are pregnant. The worse feeling is the gigantic disappointment of knowing that you're not and despite the lengths that you go to trying. To me, it is more pleasant and peaceful staying in that in between- focusing on the hope, before facing the highly possible negative news.

DH was totally convinced this round that we were pregnant. He is usually hopeful, but this time he thought this was it for sure. His sense was not based on anything that I told him, because honestly we were so busy and I was being quiet. I didn't tell him all of the symptoms I was experiencing. I kept telling myself it was the cri.none... but at the same time I had not felt anything happening at all last round- and this time felt so bloated that it felt as though my uterus was pushing out. I kept telling myself it was not real, and that I wasn't pregnant... Yet this time around I kinda thought maybe I was. It just goes to show how all those extra hormones mess with your head.

TTC is a crazy-making business sometimes.

This morning I was in a big huge bummed out mood- which isn't normally like me. But... I'm going to get that out of my system ASAP and here is how:

I am going to muster up all of the positive energy that I can, not for me and my life... But for someone else.. I am going to send them all of the peace and goodness that I can. And I'm going to send it to someone who ever so much deserves it (as well as her dh)... and so does their baby who is at seven weeks gestation.

This person our sister--- yours and mine. She is a member of our babyloss and infertility community. This couple has been dealt more during their journey than I can possibly wrap my head around. They have endured 6 miscarriages and 7 IVFs, on top of that previously battled cancer. I am in complete awe of their strength, persistence and resilience independently as a couple. They are a source of inspiration and if you follow their story, you want nothing more in the world than for this amazing couple to be able to bring their baby home.

If you don't know of M.o and W.ill, visit their blog at lif.eandloveinthepetridish, and join me and the forces cheering them on.

In the 2 ww

I'm 2 dpiui..Trying not to think about the wait, the possible outcomes, possible next steps, possible symptoms or lack thereof- but it's impossible for those thoughts not to creep into my head. I'm also having significant abdominal bloating from the stimulation, making it difficult not to analyze what's going on in my body. In the event that I start to notice anything different at all- or nothing at all- I have reminded myself that on one of my previous failed iuis I had thrown up one morning thinking surely it was morning sickness.. turns out it was only a side effect of the progesterone. And when I was pregnant the second time, I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. So I never really can predict either way.

This cycle I had 3 good sized follies (whereas my previous failed iui was two). I was riding the emotional roller coaster in the days leading up to the iui- those injectibles make me feel both sick (nauseous & head-achy) and crazy.

So now I'm trying to keep busy (getting more cleaning and cooking done than usual!). And also planning more activities than normal, just to keep my mind preoccupied and stay as in the moment as much as possible.

Thinking of D.awn who is in her 2 ww as well, and celebrating for M.o & W.ill who have received some great news. Fingers crossed for everyone's success.

Moving ahead this month

We are able to move ahead this month with an IUI/injectibles as planned. Whew! My RE decided that we may proceed this month, while her old office intentionally takes their time sending my file to her. The new office also informed me that they have a satellite location much closer to me where if the timing works out I might be able to see my doc there for some of my appts. That would be very nice since it is only 15 minutes away vs. 1 hr!

I am glad we are able to keep moving forward. Now I'm trying to focus on being healthy, happy and optimistic in order to fight off any anxious feelings or thoughts throughout the coming days.

RE Drama

So I just found out that my RE has left the practice and has gone over to a new clinic. As a result I am stuck in limbo as I try to switch over while her/my former clinic are making it difficult. They are obviously upset about her departure and are choosing to handle it very unprofessionally and are intentionally impacting her patients' treatment, including mine. They have sent out communication and are offering discounts for her patients who stay. In the meantime, however they are taking as much time as they legally can to transfer her patients' files to her. Therefore, when evil AF arrives early this next week there is a very good chance that I will not be able to proceed this month because my file has not been transferred. Honestly the discount was a tempting offer to stay, however their bullying ways put a huge negative cloud over the place.

LAME. Very lame. We already missed December and January due to schedule conflicts (Xmas and then out of town). So the thought of sitting out another round when we are VERY ready to move but can't because of some jerks really stinks.

Sigh. I want to at least feel like I have control over the aspects that I should have control over- like moving ahead on the month that we planned.

My file that they have of course is quite thick. I faxed over my recent bloodwork/ovarian assessment results (which I happened to receive a copy of) plus my copy of November's IUI protocol to the new clinic today and have requested to move forward without the file being is there. The new office is very aware of the issues being created by the former clinic. I am a bit doubtful, yet hoping and that they make an exception about the file this month. This trying/failing/waiting is a bummer.

Fingers crossed for a green light this cycle.

Where will we go from here

Thanks for your kind words & empathy during my last post. Daw.n & Whit.e Picket Fence in particular, you have been an ongoing source of support and I appreciate it. My blogging is on the minimal side and I have few followers- which I am ok with... It's the quality not quantity for me!

The anniversary of my baby loss occurs in December, just before Christmas- so that is always a tough time for me. I suppose I may always need to be aware of being gentle with myself and taking the time to process. This year also fell on the heels of a failed IUI, which is big let down.

We decided to take off the month of December mainly because of the conflicting holiday hecticness and having guests in town. It was actually a bit of a relief to have a somewhat forced break, as I was able to relax a bit more and enjoy the holiday season. I'm noticing that I feel, and it seems the same with others ttc whose blogs I read, the need to keep forging ahead month after consecutive month with ttc. The loss of one month sometimes feels monumental, especially when advanced maternal age is a factor. As it turns out we have to take off the month of January too- but for good reason... a long-awaited vacation, and a tropical one at that. The timing doesn't fall during the exact optimal dates for ttc on our own, however we won't be in town for the sonograms/monitoring that preceed an IUI.

So this essentially self-imposed forced hiatus puts things at a standstill and is really making me/us take a step back. It's discouraging to invest yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and financially when the odds are not even in your favor. I'm trying NOT to focus on #s, rather just stay optimistic and keep up the hope. For your information, the success rate at my age 37.5 doing IUI + injectibles at my RE clinic is 20% for 3-4 cycles. We have one failed under our belt for this go around and we likely will not take additional steps beyond IUI.

Having one living baby does change the way that I feel to some degree. I don't feel as desparate this go around. I don't have the sense of fighting to the ends of the earth.. rather that we will give it our best shot within reason. It's tough for me to swallow that actually... I really, really, really want another baby, a living sibling for my son. And we have so much love to offer. But in the back of my mind I know that I have to be ready to be ok with however things turn out. I'm just not quite there yet. The reality is that I feel a little bit scared and quite uncertain about the future at this point.

At this time we are reevaluating our finances and things are going to be changing dramatically for me soon.. I've been able to be a stay-at-home mom for the past year and half, for which I am so grateful. However, we've stretched ourselves about as far as we can go and the time for me to return to work is quickly approaching. My main concern about that is the stress of starting a new job and the inability to have flexibility with my schedule may get in the way of ttc. Because of my *advanced* age (ugh) I constantly feel like time is of the essence and I worry about taking too much time away from our ttc efforts and too many obstacles getting in the way.

To end this post in an upbeat way, it makes me happy that some of my blog friends are in a good place wherever that is in their journey- whether it's achieving their dream (S, who is expecting twin boys soon!) and those who have gotten themselves to a place where they are at peace with how things have turned out.