BFNNNNN

Aunt Flo has made her unwelcome visit this month. BOOOOO. Am I surprised? Not really.. Although I was trying not to pay much attention to how I was feeling physically, I was noticing that I was not feeling a single symptom during the past two weeks. (In my previous 2 pregnancies I had symptoms very early on). Am I disappointed? Indeed.. feeling a little broken, and frustrated with my body.

With the holidays approaching (and the crappy high expense of fertility treatments) we will likely hold off for at least a month. For now, I will focus on my sweet son who is here. I never lose sight of how fortunate I am to have him and that overrides any negative feelings. Also, in the coming weeks I am going to try to step it up with healthy eating and exercise/yoga, maybe acupuncture too- mainly for my overall well being. Could be tricky for me holiday time though.

Thinking of my blog friends and wishing you the best where you are in your journeys!

Chinese Good Luck

Yesterday and today we completed our IUI. I feel a lot crampier and more uncomfortable than I recall feeling in the past. However, I am glad to be done with that step. Tomorrow I start progesterone and baby aspirin. I hope the 2 WW goes by quickly- I plan to stay distracted.

Last night we ate sushi and following dinner we opened the fortune cookies they gave to us. DH's was kind of lame- I don't even remember now what it said. But here is what mine read, "A golden egg of opportunity will fall in your lap this month." :) I mean I'm not all that superstitious, but we instantly got a kick out of it. Also day 1 of the IUI (which my RE said is the more important of the 2) was 11-11-11... For the Chinese the date signifies good luck. The numbers rhyme with "one husband, one wife and one soul" in Chinese.

Obviously I'm not putting too much stock into all of this- but hey, I will take all the luck I can get!

Bring on the golden egg!!

Some things that don't change about infertility & next IUI

Last month was month 10 for us ttc for another baby. I know that after 6 months without success over age 35, medical intervention is recommended. So for the past few months I've been back at the RE going through the preliminary steps (work-ups, bloodwork etc). This month is the first that everything is complete in order for us to do an IUI. That made last month the final one of ttc on our own. Although I've been dealing with infertility for over 4 years now, like so many others in similar situations- I've hung on to the hope for a miraculous bfp that we achieve all on our own. What a dream come true that would be- especially if it resulted in birth of a live, healthy baby! Unfortunately that didn't/isn't going to happen. I found myself having to take a little time to myself to finally and completely let go of the possibility that it might.

Other frustrating things that about infertility that don't seem to change are:
- people/friends/co-workers etc. constantly getting pregnant around you at the drop of a hat
- the $$$ that you start shoveling out the minute you pursue fertility treatments
- the fact that the process is all somewhat worrisome, anxiety-producing, and stressful
- people asking when/if i "plan" to have another baby

Having one of my babies in my arms to hold definitely makes me incredibly grateful that I have such a wonderful gift. I just needed to vent that other stuff here in a place where people get it it to get it out of my system (for now ;).

Moving on...

I'm on Day 5 of injectibles and it's looking like we'll trigger and complete the IUI later this week/weekend. I'm trying to stay positive and keep my focus on a positive outcome. However, based on my history of failed attempts and baby loss plus my age 37.5, the reality (and those darn statistics!) creeps into my mind from time to time. One main thing that is different for me this go around is that I have had a moment or two of questioning whether I should being doing fertility treatments again... I mean, I have one child after all and even IUI/injectibles is f'ing expensive. However, we want another baby more than anything and are clear on the path we are willing to take. I just hope and pray that it results in a positive outcome. We would like more than anything to give our son a sibling and add another child to our family. Fingers, toes and everything crossed! :)