This topic is one that is long overdue for me to write about. There is a certain aspect of infertility and babyloss that has changed me in a way that I am not proud of and it is something that I struggle to get past.. The pain that sometimes accompanies the joy of other people's seemingly easy pregnancy success.
This isn't to say that I am not happy for the vast majority of people out there who do not encounter fertility/pregnancy-related issues. I can honestly say I am truly happy for them to be spared any difficulties. However, there are instances when such situations sting.
I encounter this conflicted joy/pain emotion on a fairly regular basis within my own family. You see, while in the midst of me unsuccessfully trying to conceive, both my sister-in-law (by the way, not at all a nice person) and my own sister became instantly pregnant at nearly the exact same time. I love their babies dearly, yet at times the joy of both families serve as a constant reminder of what- or I should say who- isn't here.. my Baby S.
It was somewhat disheartening at the time to learn of both pregnancy news (especially since my sister-in-law constantly mentioned that it was only their second attempt- plus they weren't even married). It was soon thereafter that I began infertility treatments, as planned, and I became pregnant with Baby S. He would have been 5 months younger than both of his cousins. From the moment the two became pregnant and in the year in and half since then all I have heard about on both sides of our families is about these two babies... the constant news/updates, photos, incessant gushing. I know all of their behavior is normal and would not expect them not to be joyous over their children. However, every milestone for them- first holidays, birthdays, etc.- would have been a first for my son too. So although these events do make me smile, they also bring with them some sadness for me. And again there is the added sadness that no one else in the room is missing my baby in those moments.
I realize this all sounds completely selfish. The only reason I even feel comfortable finally writing about this is because I have read about similar emotions on several other babyloss and infertility blogs. Otherwise, I would be too ashamed to admit that I ever feel this way. It does not feel good, and it's something I am continuously trying to change- and I do think I am gradually getting better about it.
This isn't to say that I am not happy for the vast majority of people out there who do not encounter fertility/pregnancy-related issues. I can honestly say I am truly happy for them to be spared any difficulties. However, there are instances when such situations sting.
I encounter this conflicted joy/pain emotion on a fairly regular basis within my own family. You see, while in the midst of me unsuccessfully trying to conceive, both my sister-in-law (by the way, not at all a nice person) and my own sister became instantly pregnant at nearly the exact same time. I love their babies dearly, yet at times the joy of both families serve as a constant reminder of what- or I should say who- isn't here.. my Baby S.
It was somewhat disheartening at the time to learn of both pregnancy news (especially since my sister-in-law constantly mentioned that it was only their second attempt- plus they weren't even married). It was soon thereafter that I began infertility treatments, as planned, and I became pregnant with Baby S. He would have been 5 months younger than both of his cousins. From the moment the two became pregnant and in the year in and half since then all I have heard about on both sides of our families is about these two babies... the constant news/updates, photos, incessant gushing. I know all of their behavior is normal and would not expect them not to be joyous over their children. However, every milestone for them- first holidays, birthdays, etc.- would have been a first for my son too. So although these events do make me smile, they also bring with them some sadness for me. And again there is the added sadness that no one else in the room is missing my baby in those moments.
I realize this all sounds completely selfish. The only reason I even feel comfortable finally writing about this is because I have read about similar emotions on several other babyloss and infertility blogs. Otherwise, I would be too ashamed to admit that I ever feel this way. It does not feel good, and it's something I am continuously trying to change- and I do think I am gradually getting better about it.
You are absolutely right for feeling comfortable enough to post this on here, because I know MANY of us feel the same way. I have been blessed with this little miracle, but still I look at others who do not struggle, with resentment. I pray often about this. Over time I'm sure it will diminish, but I don't know if it will every fully go away.
ReplyDeleteYou are being too harsh on yourself. Of course it is normal to feel resentment and I also understand the pain that nobody else is acknowledging your baby at some of these events. Do you remind them? Have you considered telling people to tone it down sometimes. I have an evil streak and would have to just BRING it up and make people uncomfortable. Of course you love these new babies but don't they love yours!!
ReplyDeleteI don't think it sounds selfish. The fact is that if you didn't remember Baby S (with unavoidable sadness) on what should be his milestones and special occasions NOONE ELSE WOULD. Worse, I'm sure everyone around you assumes the sadness of losing Baby S is completely gone now that you are having a new baby.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's selfish- it's the way of grief. (*hugs*) I agree with Annie too.
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