Two weeks

I did something this cycle that I have not done before- I tested early.  Despite each 2 ww feeling like an eternity, I never did this over all the months of trying mainly bc/ I figured there was a very likely chance it was again negative-- and if so, waiting to the 2 week mark exactly would bring me a little closer to the next cycle where at least I could try again. However, with this being IUI#3 for this round and us being tapped out financially for further interventions (IVF), I felt an overpowering need to know the outcome asap. So I tested early..and got a clear-as-day BFN.

It was so disappointing to see the result. Things were staring to feel very final. I was very bummed out all day. I eventually started trying to wrap my brain around about what the future might hold... We've been at this for five years, I'm about to turn 38... we've been through a total of seven IUIs/injectibles, one IVF, a devastating late trimester loss. Despite wanting another child, we do have a living child (conceived via IVF) now for whom we are so grateful.  Do we stop here? Do we start looking into adoption and see if there are any options there for us?

Last night when I was giving C a bath, I pulled open a drawer in the bathroom and there was the pregnancy test box staring at me. There was still a test in the box. Should I toss it out? I shut the drawer. Then this morning, when I went to shower I remembered it and figured what the heck... Even though I felt 100% not pregnant and had seen the evidence, I made a spontaneous decision to pee again (since I did test early) just for the heck of it.

Then I showered, dilly dallied around in the kitchen, and finally ended up back in the bathroom when I spotted the stick and  low and behold there was a faint second line. Faint, but there..Yes, two lines... pregnant... PREGNANT!!!

I felt a bit shocked. I know, I know- I was trying... like REALLY trying to conceive. But I had no symptoms whatsoever (I've had early symptoms with baby S and baby C) and I had already accepted that I wasn't based on the early test results which were clearly negative. Wow. I should have known better and followed the nurse's instructions! However, what a very, very, VERY pleasant surprise nonetheless!!!  I went in immediately this morning for the blood test and it has been confirmed. I am happy. Cautious, a bit fearful, yet happy. Still trying to get used to the news. Having moments thinking of everything that can go wrong. But yet- for now I am rated PG.

Three

Last week my sweet baby S, who we lost at 21 weeks gestation, would have turned three. In the days leading up to his due date, I was feeling emotional and anxious. Although, it's hard to know how much of that was also the crazy-making injections.. but I could certainly feel the grief sweep over me. It's hard to imagine that I would have a three year old right now. What would the last few years have been like? What would our life be like today? If Baby S would have lived, would we have baby C here too? I'd like to think so. When I think about that I create a fantasy in my mind where both of my sons are here. That would be incredible. To make it even better, in the fantasy I get pregnant both times quickly/easily, without intervention, and experienced two blissful pregnancies. Oh how wonderful it would be to wrap my arms around both of my boys.

So I took a day to allow myself remember, and shed some tears (I can't help it). Then I do what I have to do, which is keep moving forward.

I suppose that is the what this space is all about for me and for many of us. It's not about the babyloss or infertility struggles really. It's about have a place to go to process the many emotions (both bad and good) and to gain support, feel understood and feel validated.

I miss my first child very much and suppose I always will. At the same time, I am reminded of how grateful I am so have my living child here. And I am also incredibly thankful for this community. Without it, I would feel very alone.

another 2 week wait

Today was our third IUI trying for this baby. Please, please, please let this be it! My daily dosage of folli.stim was increased this go-around to 225 iu per day (previously 150). We had 3 good sized follies (same as the last 2 rounds) but a lot more small ones. So not really anything additional in my favor this time, but let's hope that we get a good egg. The only differences I can note are the side effects due to the increase in the meds. I have felt terribly nauseous for the past few days. And exhausted. And my skin has broken out a bit. Blech.

Hoping and praying over here.