In 15 days

In 15 days, it will be my due date. I sometimes think of my journey to parenthood as running a marathon. I am by no means a runner and have never attempted a marathon or other lengthy run. But I imagine it to be tough challenge- grueling and painful at times- yet one achieves a sense of euphoria at the end. Although I feel present and bonded with this baby, it is hard for me to believe that in just a couple of weeks I will be holding my precious LIVE baby boy. Most parents probably feel this way to a degree. However, I have been a bit guarded throughout the past nine months. The loss of my first son was so unexpected and difficult for me, that there is a small part of me that has been in protective mode. I am confident that everything will continue to go well, but am somewhat prepared for anything. For the past four months (once I got past our previous loss point) I have been able to enjoy this pregnancy, however not a day has gone by that I have not woken up and asked myself "did I feel the baby move last night?"... In other words, "Is my baby still alive?"

Now, as my due date approaches, I feel like I have come so far. DH and I are so excited to meet our little one. Yet a small surge of anxiety has been creeping up on me every once and a while as of late. I can not help but think of the babyloss mamas who I've met who lost their little ones at full term. There was never a reason determined for our loss. One of our doctors told us "if you have to blame something, blame the placenta".. indicating the possibility that somehow the placenta had failed to provide enough nutrients and oxygen to sustain our helpless little boy's life.

So it is at this point that I feel very excited, a tiny bit fearful of the worst, but most of all READY. This journey for me began over three years ago and has involved one dead baby, multiple failed IUIs, and an IVF. The comments I've been receiving from people around me lately amuse me. "Enjoy this quiet time while you can!" "Enjoy sleep while you are able to!" The thing is, I am so ready to bring home a baby that I could care less about sleep deprivation, etc. (Watch I say that now and will be eating my words soon! ;) But I can only imagine that for all of us who have endured these difficult journeys, that hopefully the joy of bringing home our live babies will make the challenges of parenting somehow seem less difficult.

Thirty Six

The number 36 is the theme for me this week... I'm 36 weeks pregnant- and my 36th birthday is this week. Wow- on both accounts.

Baby update: We were surprised to see at this week's ultrasound that he has turned head down! Our bi-weekly ultrasounds had shown him breech since week 21. So hopefully he will decide to stay put! There are some new discomforts that come with his new position. Even though he hasn't dropped, I feel a lot of pressure in my pelvis, so no more long walks. I now get up even more frequently in the night, from both baby's movement and the added pressure on my bladder. My back aches (especially when sitting up at a desk for extended periods). At times I get a sharp pain running from my left hip down my thigh, which is apparently due to the baby resting on a nerve. However-- these are all observations, not complaints. I am so grateful to be where I am right now with this pregnancy. Overall, I'm still feeling pretty good- just READY. I'm feeling and looking big- and the belly continues to grow. The entire front of my belly is numb from what my doctor says is due to the skin being stretched. I'm most certainly waddling instead of walking. And I can tell from the looks of people that I appear as though I'm about to pop. The little one is weighing in at 5 lbs 12 oz- so he should be between 6 and 7 lbs by our due date. I can feel the baby's little bum pressing out towards my left side and his feet kicking out on my right (ouch). It is pretty amazing to put my hands on him and know which part of him I am touching. I can hold his little butt in the palm of my hand. :) I am so looking forward to seeing, smelling and holding him soon!!!

My birthday: Blah! I'm not big on birthdays when it comes to my own. And I'm really not happy about the fact that I'm 36. The past 3-plus years have been dominated by trying to conceive, baby loss, fertility treatments. It has been a long journey. I am older than I would like to be for a number of reasons and wish I could set the clock back a few years. Oh well...C'est la vie.

Sending hugs and wishing for all good things to everyone on their journeys!