This time of year

The holiday lights, the weather, the music..everything reminds me of the loss of my first son. It was this time two years ago that his tiny body slowly died inside of me. That hole in my heart, which became significantly smaller with the arrival of my rainbow baby, feels wide open right now. My heart aches. My body and spirit feel heavy.

The tears are not falling this time around. Yet feelings of sadness, anger and the questions-- what happened?? and WHY??? swirl around in my head.

This is not the way that I feel every day, or most days even. To be honest, with baby C here I did not expect to feel this way this holiday season. I am soooo grateful and happy he is here. I really am. But my memory of Baby S, and his loss, is ingrained in my soul's memory. My love for him and wish that he were here will never fade. So I wade through these emotions again, as grief has reared its head. It is an ongoing process indeed. A process that is not easy.

someone who could use thoughts/prayers

First of all, I'm still here! Baby C just turned 4 months and all is well here. I am still on here mainly following blogs to offer support. I'm not ready to leave this community that helped me get through the toughest time of my life.

If you are reading this, please send out thoughts/prayers to Mo & Will from Life and Love In the Petri Dish. They have traveled a very long, difficult journey. If you go to their blog and glance at their journey so far timelime you will see that they have been through cancer, 7 IVFs and now their 6th miscarriage.

http://lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com/

My heart goes out to this couple. They have been through far too much. It just seems so unfair.

My rainbow baby

Like others in this blogosphere, I am finding myself at a crossroads with my blog. My rainbow baby, Baby C, is now 6 weeks old. It's been a few weeks since I've made an entry- partly because I haven't had the time.. but also because I am navigating my way into this new phase in my life and subsequently with my grief as well.

When I started this blog I felt so defeated. I had spent over a year ttc, underwent a surgical procedure, an IUI, and then my first son died at 21 weeks gestation. In an attempt to quickly come up with a title for the blog and came up with "not rated PG" because I was exactly that- not PG (pregnant). I was deeply hurting over the loss of my baby and was again struggling ttc.

This will not become a blog about Baby C. He is doing great and we are incredibly grateful to have him in our lives. This blog world for me will continue to be a place where I will offer support to others in their journeys and also process my thoughts and feelings about babyloss and infertility- which although may not define me, will always be a part of me.

Before my rainbow baby arrived, like many coping with babyloss and infertility, it was hard for me to read about successful pregnancies. Although I felt truly happy for those who have gone through similar struggles, I could not relate when reading about their rainbow babies when I was struggling to conceive, then in the thick of my grief, then going through fertility treatments, and then coping with the anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy.

When Baby S died, one thing that my obgyn said to me was that the grief would get easier over time- and when I would eventually bring home a (living) baby. Now that I finally have a baby in my arms, the hole in my hear is still there... however, it is no longer gaping. Despite the joy of having a newborn, I still have my moments of sorrow.

Weeks 1 & 2

Thank you for the wonderful congratulatory notes! We are incredibly happy that baby C is here!! It has been a busy and exciting 12 days with him. He is teaching us so much and we are enjoying loving him to bits.

I was happy to learn the great news of the other rainbow babies that arrived recently!!! Congratulations again to you.

Although I haven't had the free hands to type, I have been keeping up on my blog reading and continue to do so. Still following your journeys and sending lots of positive thoughts and vibes to everyone ttc, dealing with baby loss and having rainbow babies. You all are never far from my mind!

Finally, here is a photo of our precious son. He has been a very good baby- very snuggly and sweet.

Big hugs to all!

Hello from Happy Baby Land!!! :)

On Saturday, July 10th, 2010 at 9:59 a.m. we welcomed our beautiful baby boy into the world!!! He came in at a healthy 7 lbs 15 oz and is absolutely adorable.

I was hoping to post an update sooner, but it has been a whirlwind and I did not have access to a computer until now. I look forward to catching up with my blog friends and hope things are going well with everyone.

DH, our son and I could not be happier. :) The wee one is snuggled up on my chest right at this moment as I type while reclined in the hospital bed. We are so in love with the little guy and so grateful to have arrived here.

I plan to write more about our experience over the past several days once I get home. Long story short... It was a very prolonged, unsuccessful induced labor which involved a couple of stressful episodes for the baby. After 25 hrs of active labor I finally ended up having a c-section. Definitely not the quickest or easiest birth experience, but all that matters is he arrived safely- and that is all that we have cared about throughout our journey.

Big Hugs to everyone! Will update again soon. In the meantime, I will be catching up on your blogs.

Tomorrow is the day!

Looks like we will be meeting our little on at some point tomorrow (Friday)!

Our due date was on Saturday, the 3rd. Early Sunday morning I started having frequent, consistent early labor contractions and have been experiencing them ever since. I've had 2 cervical exams in the meantime and am only dilated about one to two centimeters at this point. During our last appointment we decided with our doc to proceed with an induction tomorrow. At that point I will be nearly one week late and we are sooooo ready. It's been a long and uncomfortable week.

I'm excited to meet the baby and little bit nervous about the labor/delivery. I just keep reminding myself that we can do this! And what a blessing we will receive at the end of it all.

Sending lots of positive thoughts to each of you!!

I will update with more news as soon as possible.

Nothing to report- yet!

Today is my due date! It is hard for me to even believe it. However, nothing happening yet... Just *trying* to be patient-- since I guess the baby will come when he's ready.

Thinking of everyone and wishing you all a safe and happy 4th of July!

Hopefully I will have some good news to update soon- and I look forward to yours too. :)