a new day

After I posted my vent session yesterday, I felt ashamed for behaving like such a whiner. Thank you VERY much for the kind comments. What I appreciate so much about our blog world is it's the one place where we can be 100% honest and other people will get it. Or at least I will feel like I am not totally crazy. :) So thank you! You all are the best. And I did wake up with those thoughts out of my system.

On the baby front...

Tomorrow I reach 20 weeks! This means a number of things:
- I will have reached the half way mark
- I will get to see the baby on a 4-D ultrasound
- I will (hopefully) receive more good news that the anatomy looks good
Yay, yay, and yay!

I am trying to be aware of my anxiety as of late because it has certainly been on the rise as I approach week 20 and soon thereafter. It was around this time that whatever it was that went horribly wrong with baby S happened. I am hyper-sensitive to whether or not the baby is moving, even waking up in a half-sleep in the middle of the night. I think I will begin to use the doppler more proactively, like first thing in the morning (rather than waiting until moments like when the baby hasn't been moving for a while).

At the same time, I am trying to stay positive about all things related to this baby. I decided we needed some fun news so WE ARE GOING TO FIND OUT THE SEX! Our appointment is just a couple of days away.

What do you think: boy or girl???

Stay tuned to find out!

Have a nice weekend everyone.

Miscellaneous thoughts and updates...

The results from the amnio are in and everything that was tested appears to be "normal." Whew!! A genetic counselor from my MFM's office called to let me know, and we will meet with our obgyn next week to go over the results more thoroughly.

Getting past the amnio is another milestone for me. I definitely appreciate knowing that the baby has the correct number of chromosomes, etc. However, my anxiety has not been focused on the possibility of a chromosomal abnormality. We lost our son last year at 21 weeks unexpectedly for unknown reasons. His heart stopped beating one day, and our doctors were not able to determine the cause. So the not knowing what happened is what bothers me. How do I know it can not happen again?

I've dopplered a couple of times now, on a as-needed basis, and am so glad I bought that thing. There have been a couple of days where I didn't feel any flutters and my mind began to worry. Both times I was able to find the "galloping horse" quickly. Thanks to those of you who recommended the monitor and provided me with helpful information!

In 2 weeks, I am planning a (much-needed) surprise weekend getaway for dh & me. It's going to be his birthday, Valentine's day, and we will have just reached 20 weeks. I am very much looking forward to some relaxation for both of us!

To Doppler or Not To Doppler

After much consideration, I have finally taken the plunge and purchased a doppler. I know it's really not a big deal, but it's a decision that I put a lot of thought into and delayed as long as possible. Part of me wanted to be able to transform myself into that pregnant woman who doesn't worry, whose mind would not question the well-being of their baby.

But, I lost the possibility of being that pregnant woman a year ago. Of course, at every moment I am grateful to be pregnant- yet it's going to take some work and more time for me to feel confident with this pregnancy.

The doppler should arrive in a few days. My husband believes that we will not know how to use the machine correctly and will end up in a panic not being able to find the baby's heartbeat. (Another reason why I didn't buy one sooner). However, I've promised myself that if I run into that scenario, I will remain calm and rational. :) I've read on other blogs that the doppler brings much needed comfort at times and I am really looking forward to that.

Darkest Hour

Our 21 week appointment began with our doctor reviewing the positive results from our 4-D with the perinatologist. Everything looked perfect, he told us. He would only do the doppler monitor today and listen to the baby's heartbeat. Bummer, I said. We were hoping to see the baby.

As I laid back, relaxed on the table, our doctor placed the doppler monitor on my belly. We heard the familiar ocean-like sound and then a heart beat, which he distinguished as mine. The doc moved the doppler to another spot on my belly, then another. "Don't worry," he announced, "it takes time to pick up the baby's heartbeat sometimes with these machines." The truth is, I wasn't worried. Afterall, minutes earlier he discussed the excellent results of our exam just one week earlier.

Then doc began strategically placing the doppler in a clockwise motion around my belly. He was quiet. "I guess you will be getting a sonogram afterall," he announced, and quickly left the room. Oh good, I thought. I had wanted to see the baby. I looked over at my husband, he was sweating bullets. "Ok, now I'm getting nervous," I told him.

The events that unfolded in next several minutes felt like seconds. Everything moved in fast forward motion. Before I knew it I was being rushed to the sono room and was laid out on the table with the wand on my belly. The room was dark. I looked up at the face of the sonogram technician. Her eyes welled with tears as she disappointedly spoke the words "oh no.." My doctor's voice then followed, "I am so... sorry." I looked up at the screen to see my precious, perfect baby...motionless... lifeless...still.

Words can not describe the utter despair that we felt in the ensuing darkest of hours. We were in shock, completely devastated.

Our baby was gone.