Sex of the baby revealed...

We found out: the baby is a BOY!

Everything looked good at the 20 week ultrasound, which was performed by the perinatologist. At the start of the appointment, the nurse asked us if we suspected whether the baby is a girl or boy- and honestly we felt 50/50. With baby S, DH and felt very strongly from the moment we found out we were pregnant that he was a boy. Sadly we didn't have confirmation until we lost him, but we just knew it in our hearts. Knowing the sex gives us something more to celebrate and connect to. So far up until this point in the pregnancy we have had quite a bit of stress/worry. Now, despite the ever-present anxiety, I am slowly beginning to accept that this baby might actually be here in July. Both the perinatologist and my obgyn have been sensitive to our history. My ob made a point of expressing that he is confident about this pregnancy and is doing/saying whatever he can to put us at ease.

The appointment included a 4-D view of the baby, so we were able to get a *glimpse* of what he looks like. His nose and cheeks look like DH right now. From what I can tell he looks different than his brother, who resembled me in the nose and eyes.

Now that I am in week 20 I am thinking a lot about this exact time during my first pregnancy... Revisiting what I was doing, what thoughts were going through my mind, the devastating events that unfolded. Although I am celebrating this little one, I am missing baby S so strongly right now- just wishing he were here with us. I have run through the what-ifs endlessly over the past 14 months, slowly trying to be a peace with knowing I will never have the answer.

a new day

After I posted my vent session yesterday, I felt ashamed for behaving like such a whiner. Thank you VERY much for the kind comments. What I appreciate so much about our blog world is it's the one place where we can be 100% honest and other people will get it. Or at least I will feel like I am not totally crazy. :) So thank you! You all are the best. And I did wake up with those thoughts out of my system.

On the baby front...

Tomorrow I reach 20 weeks! This means a number of things:
- I will have reached the half way mark
- I will get to see the baby on a 4-D ultrasound
- I will (hopefully) receive more good news that the anatomy looks good
Yay, yay, and yay!

I am trying to be aware of my anxiety as of late because it has certainly been on the rise as I approach week 20 and soon thereafter. It was around this time that whatever it was that went horribly wrong with baby S happened. I am hyper-sensitive to whether or not the baby is moving, even waking up in a half-sleep in the middle of the night. I think I will begin to use the doppler more proactively, like first thing in the morning (rather than waiting until moments like when the baby hasn't been moving for a while).

At the same time, I am trying to stay positive about all things related to this baby. I decided we needed some fun news so WE ARE GOING TO FIND OUT THE SEX! Our appointment is just a couple of days away.

What do you think: boy or girl???

Stay tuned to find out!

Have a nice weekend everyone.