Sex of the baby revealed...

We found out: the baby is a BOY!

Everything looked good at the 20 week ultrasound, which was performed by the perinatologist. At the start of the appointment, the nurse asked us if we suspected whether the baby is a girl or boy- and honestly we felt 50/50. With baby S, DH and felt very strongly from the moment we found out we were pregnant that he was a boy. Sadly we didn't have confirmation until we lost him, but we just knew it in our hearts. Knowing the sex gives us something more to celebrate and connect to. So far up until this point in the pregnancy we have had quite a bit of stress/worry. Now, despite the ever-present anxiety, I am slowly beginning to accept that this baby might actually be here in July. Both the perinatologist and my obgyn have been sensitive to our history. My ob made a point of expressing that he is confident about this pregnancy and is doing/saying whatever he can to put us at ease.

The appointment included a 4-D view of the baby, so we were able to get a *glimpse* of what he looks like. His nose and cheeks look like DH right now. From what I can tell he looks different than his brother, who resembled me in the nose and eyes.

Now that I am in week 20 I am thinking a lot about this exact time during my first pregnancy... Revisiting what I was doing, what thoughts were going through my mind, the devastating events that unfolded. Although I am celebrating this little one, I am missing baby S so strongly right now- just wishing he were here with us. I have run through the what-ifs endlessly over the past 14 months, slowly trying to be a peace with knowing I will never have the answer.

Darkest Hour

Our 21 week appointment began with our doctor reviewing the positive results from our 4-D with the perinatologist. Everything looked perfect, he told us. He would only do the doppler monitor today and listen to the baby's heartbeat. Bummer, I said. We were hoping to see the baby.

As I laid back, relaxed on the table, our doctor placed the doppler monitor on my belly. We heard the familiar ocean-like sound and then a heart beat, which he distinguished as mine. The doc moved the doppler to another spot on my belly, then another. "Don't worry," he announced, "it takes time to pick up the baby's heartbeat sometimes with these machines." The truth is, I wasn't worried. Afterall, minutes earlier he discussed the excellent results of our exam just one week earlier.

Then doc began strategically placing the doppler in a clockwise motion around my belly. He was quiet. "I guess you will be getting a sonogram afterall," he announced, and quickly left the room. Oh good, I thought. I had wanted to see the baby. I looked over at my husband, he was sweating bullets. "Ok, now I'm getting nervous," I told him.

The events that unfolded in next several minutes felt like seconds. Everything moved in fast forward motion. Before I knew it I was being rushed to the sono room and was laid out on the table with the wand on my belly. The room was dark. I looked up at the face of the sonogram technician. Her eyes welled with tears as she disappointedly spoke the words "oh no.." My doctor's voice then followed, "I am so... sorry." I looked up at the screen to see my precious, perfect baby...motionless... lifeless...still.

Words can not describe the utter despair that we felt in the ensuing darkest of hours. We were in shock, completely devastated.

Our baby was gone.