I need to vent

First, I am going to preface this blog entry by expressing that I am truly grateful for the fact that I am pregnant right now. I truly am very grateful. Also, I am honestly happy for other people around me when they get pregnant too. I see pregnancy as a true blessing.

But despite the appreciation, I am a somewhat jaded person now. I will admit that. The past few years have worn on me. And I've connected with so many babylost mamas who have had difficult experiences and are still in the midst of them. Life is unfair and I know that. For the most part, I accept that fact. Other times, though, that fact simply frustrates me.

As a result, I get annoyed at times by things that I know should not bother me. For example, sometimes listening to others in their naive bliss...well, just aggravates me.

During the past few years that I was struggling to get pregnant and lost a baby, I've had many friends and coworkers get pregnant and experience seemingly easy pregnancies. I am sincerely happy for them that they do not have to experience the pain that babylost and struggling-to- conceive women go through. I honestly wouldn't wish either of those things on an enemy. But it sometimes makes the struggles that those of us go through feel so unfair when there are constant reminders about how painless and easy it could be.

For example, before I got pregnant the first time and had been trying to conceive for over a year and was undergoing fertility treatments- both my sister and my sister-in-law became pregnant at the same time. Both of them got pregnant on their second cycle and now have toddlers who are the only things both sides of my family have talked about for the past couple of years. I'm now on my third co-worker who got pregnant in about 2 seconds. In the past week and a half two of my best friends have announced their pregnancies- one on the first attempt and the other on the second.

Why is it that people who get pregnant immediately always seem to feel the need to announce how quick and easy it was???

It makes the rest of us feel broken! It's too much information. Really, we just don't need to know.

Also-- 5 of the 7 of the above-referenced women announced their pregnancies the MINUTE they found out. Who does that?? Apparently every one around me. And yet despite the fact that miscarriages are not uncommon in the first trimester, they don't seem to affect the women around around me.

I realize that I sound like an ungrateful brat, and I partially blame this bad mood that I'm in on hormones. haha :) Just kidding. I just needed to get that off my chest and trust this is a safe place to do it, where people understand the mixed emotions that come up at times and don't judge.

I know to let these things go, and eventually do rather quickly. But there are moments, like today when faced with this again, when I am stewing in irritation.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will be over it!

Letting go...

In my last post I talked about some of the ways that I feel I've changed throughout the past few years of this journey. Some of my changes have been positive, and some not-so-good... Like the jadedness/bitterness that rears its ugly head from time to time. I recently read this about letting go and it really resonated with me...

"..just as bitter feelings can be self-defeating, so too can the release of bitterness be life-affirming in a way that few other emotional experiences are. When we decide that we no longer want to be bitter, we are reborn into a world filled with delight and fulfillment unlike any we knew while in the clutches of bitterness. The veil it cast over our lives is lifted, letting light and warmth touch our souls...

Divesting yourself of bitter feelings can be as simple as truly forgiving and moving on. Even when your bitterness has no concrete object, you can forgive situations too...In time, you will discover that letting go of your bitterness frees you to initiate the healing process and allows you to once again celebrate the possibility of the more wonderful life you deserve."

The Different Me

One does not experience infertility or baby loss and remain unchanged. The past few years have brought some high highs and some low lows for me. High points: getting pregnant two times. Low points: losing a baby, and many failed attempts at getting pregnant. The low points seem to be much more prolonged and complicated than the highs in my experience. The grief of losing my son has been a difficult, ongoing process. The months of trying to conceive were filled with frustration and disappointment.

I feel as though I have been stuck in one long transition period...from my former self... to a different version of me... and I'm not sure what I will be like by the time this baby arrives.

I've changed.

In some ways, I suppose I've changed for the better. I have faced challenges that my former self would have never thought I would overcome. I've gotten in touch with my inner strength and now feel that I have the ability to move mountains. I believe that as a parent I will love even stronger and will have an even greater appreciation of my family. Trivial things in life that I used to worry about now seem unimportant to me. I no longer care what people think. I focus more on taking care of myself.

Some of my changes have been negative, which concerns me. There is a residual bitterness that lingers with me. It's hard to explain, but I feel somewhat jaded from this journey... I don't smile nearly as much as I used to. I have become a more private person, to the point of nearly shutting some people out. I feel more vulnerable and carry myself with less confidence. I am impatient when it comes to others' concerns, unless they are what I consider to be real issues.

At times I ponder my journey and wonder how I can use it to become an all around better me. When the day comes that I hold my baby in my arms, I know I will feel great joy. But will life still feel bittersweet? I suppose it might. For now, I will try my best to let go of the bitterness and focus on the sweet.

Juxtapositions

Is it just me or do you find yourself continuously dealing with mixed emotions??

Try as I might to focus on the joy, there seems to always be a contrasting emotion. For example:

Being able to feel the baby move a few times throughout the day....&....All the quiet time in between when I worry about whether the baby is still alive.

The relief of finally getting pregnant again....&....The inability to fully enjoy pregnancy.

Looking forward to having a baby....&....Knowing that his/her older brother is not here.

A colleague and a friend announcing news of their "accidental" pregnancies....&....Thoughts of my friends who are struggling with infertility.

Miscellaneous thoughts and updates...

The results from the amnio are in and everything that was tested appears to be "normal." Whew!! A genetic counselor from my MFM's office called to let me know, and we will meet with our obgyn next week to go over the results more thoroughly.

Getting past the amnio is another milestone for me. I definitely appreciate knowing that the baby has the correct number of chromosomes, etc. However, my anxiety has not been focused on the possibility of a chromosomal abnormality. We lost our son last year at 21 weeks unexpectedly for unknown reasons. His heart stopped beating one day, and our doctors were not able to determine the cause. So the not knowing what happened is what bothers me. How do I know it can not happen again?

I've dopplered a couple of times now, on a as-needed basis, and am so glad I bought that thing. There have been a couple of days where I didn't feel any flutters and my mind began to worry. Both times I was able to find the "galloping horse" quickly. Thanks to those of you who recommended the monitor and provided me with helpful information!

In 2 weeks, I am planning a (much-needed) surprise weekend getaway for dh & me. It's going to be his birthday, Valentine's day, and we will have just reached 20 weeks. I am very much looking forward to some relaxation for both of us!

Amnio: check!

Yesterday I completed my amnio. This appointment was one that I was not at all looking forward to. Yet I knew it was something that I should do. During the past couple of weeks, I tried not to think about the pending appointment because I was developing a sense of dread. Tuesday, the day the before the appointment, reality set in and I felt very nervous. I was not afraid of the possibility of pain- that I can handle. During pregnancy we do everything we can to protect our babies, and the thought of an invasive procedure (with a small risk attached to it) is one that probably most pregnant women are not too comfortable with. Before going to bed Tuesday night, I reminded myself that the purpose of having the procedure was to help this pregnancy and decided that for the baby's sake I had to be strong.

As it often happens in life, the anticipation turned out to be worse than the actual event. The doctor who performed the amnio is our MFM/Perinatologist, who is known to be the best in this city. He performs 2-3 amnios per day, and has been doing so for over 20 years. The genetic counselor pointed out the importance of this, versus going to someone who does one or two per month. I made sure to look away during the procedure and tried to visualize that I was on a beach in the tropics somewhere. (yeah, right!) The needle went in quickly and rather painlessly. The doctor informed me that I would feel some pressure (when he withdrew the fluid). The process was over in less than 5 minutes. Apparently the baby decided to squirm around after the needle was inserted, but the doctor quickly moved the needle out of the way.

I am currently concluding the last couple minutes of the 24 hours following the amnio. If something horrible were to go wrong, it likely would have during this timeframe. Light cramping and a feeling of pressure are normal side effects. The symptoms to watch out for are severe abdominal pain, fever/chills, or a large gush of fluid (i.e. water breaking). Now I have 24 more hours of bedrest, to be followed by a week of "taking it easy." In two weeks I will meet with my obgyn to go over the results.

Whew! Glad to be done with that part, and looking forward to/hoping for good results in a couple of weeks.

In the meantime, I am now at 16.5 weeks. During the past few days I have started to feel the occasional flutters of the baby moving. :)

To Doppler or Not To Doppler

After much consideration, I have finally taken the plunge and purchased a doppler. I know it's really not a big deal, but it's a decision that I put a lot of thought into and delayed as long as possible. Part of me wanted to be able to transform myself into that pregnant woman who doesn't worry, whose mind would not question the well-being of their baby.

But, I lost the possibility of being that pregnant woman a year ago. Of course, at every moment I am grateful to be pregnant- yet it's going to take some work and more time for me to feel confident with this pregnancy.

The doppler should arrive in a few days. My husband believes that we will not know how to use the machine correctly and will end up in a panic not being able to find the baby's heartbeat. (Another reason why I didn't buy one sooner). However, I've promised myself that if I run into that scenario, I will remain calm and rational. :) I've read on other blogs that the doppler brings much needed comfort at times and I am really looking forward to that.