1st trimester screening

In a few days I have an appointment with a perinatologist for first trimester screening. This is something that my new RE suggested that I did not have done in my last pregnancy. He said he recommends that his patients get first trimester screening as a way to obtain more information on the pregnancy.. although I'm not sure if he meant he recommends this to ALL of his patients- or just those who've had previous problems with pregnancy.

The perinatologist that he referred us to is actually the same doctor who performed my 20 week ultrasound last year (standard procedure at my obgyn). Apparently the appointment should last about 2 hours and will include blood tests and genetic counseling. A big part of the appointment will be gathering information to decide if we should do further testing (CVS or amnio). For a couple of reasons I suspect they may suggest doing testing: 1) I am now 35 :( and 2) because of my second trimester loss. As the appointment gets closer I am starting to get nervous. The main things that I am afraid of happening are:

- discovering that I am a carrier of some genetic abnormality that might affect all of my pregnancies
- that there is something wrong with the baby
- having to decide about CVS and amnio (both of which are invasive and in an ideal world I would prefer not to do either)

I am also feeling ambivalent about the appointment in general. On the one hand, I want to have as much information as possible about the pregnancy. On the other hand, any reassurance just feels like false hope. One year ago the same doctor performed a 20 week ultrasound/screening on my son and everything looked perfect. One week later he was dead- for unknown reasons.

I would love to hear from someone who has been through first trimester screening or testing. Has anyone reading this done CVS or amnio?

My new RE is a MORON

Anyone who has experienced baby loss or infertility knows that well-meaning people sometimes say really dumb things that inadvertently sting us. I could rattle off a number of them that I've heard, like: "relax and you will get pregnant" or "there was probably something wrong with your baby if he died." Initially these types of comments would upset me (to the point of tears at times). Then a wise friend- who has dealt with more than her fair share of crap in life- reminded me that it takes courage to say anything at all to someone who is going through a difficult time. There is truth to that. So now when I hear such naive statements, I try to quickly let it go.



I had to put this letting-go notion into practice the last time that I saw my new RE (who I inherited a few weeks ago after my beloved doctor abruptly moved out of state). At my first visit I had to get him up to speed on my background because he had not read my file. I understood, I suppose, because he is probably swamped and just inherited me as a patient.



BUT THEN...



At the end of my second appointment as we were leaving, he asked: "Did they ever find out what happened with that thing?"



Um.... Do you mean my baby? My child? My son? The human life I created? Really-- "That thing?" WOW.



This man is a reproductive endocrinologist! Surely he should be better versed with appropriate terms to use. I mean, he could have just stopped at "Did they ever find out what happened?" Not to mention I reviewed at our initial visit that unfortunately despite all the testing we will never know what happened.



One more reason for me to hope and pray that everything goes well the next few weeks: to move on from this doc soon. Sadly too, my nurse coordinator for the past 6 months who I also loved was laid-off. The importance of our care providers can not be overstated. Not only are our health and pregnancies in their hands, but they become a bit more than that to us.. They represent support, safety, and hope.

Sex drive M.I.A.

My sex drive is missing in action. Has anyone seen it? Actually it's been gone for quite some time now, ever since the stress of ttc set in. The other day I jokingly made a comment to my husb, referring to a couple of years ago as being "back when I had a sex drive." It's true. I feel like from the moment that I encountered infertility my sexual desire was hijacked. First sex became an effort to make a baby. Soon thereafter came surgeries, fertility medications, injections, IUIs, a dead baby, IVF. The truth is, I really miss having a normal sex life. I miss having sex simply just for fun and to express my love for my dh. But it's tough to feel excited about sex when I don't feel good about my body and I don't feel all that great about myself. I struggle with feeling as though my body has let me down in the utmost way- by failing to keep my baby alive. And it's tough to feel good about my self amidst feelings of disappointment, anxiety, worry, etc.

CeCe needs to get her groove back! Here's hoping that my sex drive makes it's return SOON and with avengence. ;)

Tis the season

As holiday time has arrived I am finding myself with mixed emotions. There are many things that I am thankful for: the little life that is forming inside of me, my dh who is amazing, the support that I am finding in this community of mothers, the five and a half months that I was blessed with my baby boy. I am really trying to overlook the pain and sadness that I experienced from losing my son and instead trying to remember that he still is a gift to me. He has taught me to love stronger, to have courage in the face of darkness, and to never take life for granted. I am a better mother because of him. For the first few months following his death, I could not think of my baby boy without feeling utter despair. Eventually I have come to realize that he would not want me to focus on the loss of him, but rather focus on truly living.

I can't help but also feel a sense of anxiety though. This time last year is when my world began to crumble. At Thanksgiving last year I was five and a half months pregnant blissfully celebrating with family and friends. Just days later was the doctor's appointment where I would learn the news that my baby's heart had stopped beating...it was like being hit by a truck. I have come a long way in a year, wading my way through grief. Yet a piece of my heart is still missing- always will be, I suppose. In the coming days I will approach the anniversary of the last time I felt my son move, the devastating doctor's appointment, the delivery, and the return home with empty arms. It is not an easy journey for you and me, us mothers who have lost our babies. I wish each of us peace during the holiday season and always. May we hold tight to the joy in our lives, including that which was brought to us by those who are with us in spirit.

Hanging on!

Our wee one is hanging on! We went back this week for a follow-up ultrasound after our little scare and things are looking good. The doctor concluded that perhaps the embryo had taken a couple of days to implant, so the first ultrasound may have been done a little too early. Whew- we are so relieved!

DH and I had been feeling uneasy so we decided that we would both visualize a positive outcome. So for the past several days when I would start to feel nervous, I would picture seeing a vivid heart beat on the ultrasound screen. After we were able to breath a little better, DH told me what he had been visualizing and I thought this was so funny.... He was imagining a baby holding on to the roof of the uterus, dangling there during a storm- which then passed and all was calm.

It's still only 7 1/2 weeks, but I am feeling much more comfortable with this pregnancy. Instead focusing on reaching the second trimester as my first milestone, I am going to celebrate that I have achieved my first milestone- getting pregnant. :)

WORRIED!

Yesterday was my six week appointment. I received my first ultrasound, and it did not go as well as we had hoped.

First off, before I get to why I'm worried, let me recap why the appointment was off to a bad start...Upon arriving at my RE's office we learned that she no longer works there! Apparently she moved across the country for family reasons and supposedly sent a letter out to all of her patients a couple of weeks ago. I was just in her office 2 weeks ago and there was no mention of this. Anyway, I know that's life- it's her job, I'm just her patient. But I can not help but feel disappointed. So I've inherited a new doc and he's inherited me. And he is not someone who I would have chosen. Moving on...

The doctor was able to confirm that there is one pregnancy that implanted. However, we did not see the heartbeat that we hoped for. Initially the scan showed no sign of life. "I'm not seeing a heartbeat, " he flatly stated. My heart sunk. After searching for some time longer and maneuvering the wand around, he was eventually able to detect a very faint flicker of a heartbeat. So either the tiny life inside of me is already fading away, or it's developing slowly. I'm hoping with everything I've got that it's the latter and that everything turns out ok. It is still early after all. Although with our son we saw a strong, vivid heartbeat at six weeks (and he didn't make it to six months gestation). I can't help but feel nervous. I know there is nothing I can do about it and I'm clinging on to hope, yet I am scared. I go back in a week for another ultrasound.

I have received a few comments and want to say thank you for lending me some kindness and support!

Looking back...

It has been ten and a half months since we lost our precious son. As we near the one year anniversary, I'm reflecting on everything that we've been through and how my life has changed. This year has certainly been the most difficult of my life. The first few months after we lost our son were so hard. At first, every time I would think of him I would burst into tears. There were so many difficult emotions to process: shock, devastation, utter sadness, anger, frustration. It felt so unfair and I just missed him! Ten and half months later it's still unfair, and I still miss him..but I suppose I've learned to accept that.

Seeing my child's beautiful face and his little fingers and toes, only to know he was already no longer with us, was truly a heart-breaking experience. Giving birth to death is one of the darkest places that one can visit. During the appointment when we discovered that our son's heart had stopped beating, my doctor had tears in his eyes. "I am so sorry." He told us. He described the loss of a child as "something you would not wish on your worst enemy." It's true. There aren't that many things that I can think that are worse.

This grief process has been a true test of my strength, love, faith- my self. There have been challenges around every bend of this path. Facing family, friends, co-workers, strangers with the sad news. Returning to work only two weeks after our loss. Attending baby showers. Watching friends have babies. Seeing pregnant women. Seeing babies the age that my son would be. Holidays and vacations that our son should have been there for.

Like many mothers suffering loss, our pain is often coupled with the struggle to conceive. In addition to grief, there's the disappointment of failed attempts to conceive. The fear of pregnancy and infant loss. The frustration from years of just wanting your baby to hold. All of these things have been hard to get through. And the journey of grief continues. I suppose it never really ends. But perhaps we eventually reach a point of peace.