Looking back...

It has been ten and a half months since we lost our precious son. As we near the one year anniversary, I'm reflecting on everything that we've been through and how my life has changed. This year has certainly been the most difficult of my life. The first few months after we lost our son were so hard. At first, every time I would think of him I would burst into tears. There were so many difficult emotions to process: shock, devastation, utter sadness, anger, frustration. It felt so unfair and I just missed him! Ten and half months later it's still unfair, and I still miss him..but I suppose I've learned to accept that.

Seeing my child's beautiful face and his little fingers and toes, only to know he was already no longer with us, was truly a heart-breaking experience. Giving birth to death is one of the darkest places that one can visit. During the appointment when we discovered that our son's heart had stopped beating, my doctor had tears in his eyes. "I am so sorry." He told us. He described the loss of a child as "something you would not wish on your worst enemy." It's true. There aren't that many things that I can think that are worse.

This grief process has been a true test of my strength, love, faith- my self. There have been challenges around every bend of this path. Facing family, friends, co-workers, strangers with the sad news. Returning to work only two weeks after our loss. Attending baby showers. Watching friends have babies. Seeing pregnant women. Seeing babies the age that my son would be. Holidays and vacations that our son should have been there for.

Like many mothers suffering loss, our pain is often coupled with the struggle to conceive. In addition to grief, there's the disappointment of failed attempts to conceive. The fear of pregnancy and infant loss. The frustration from years of just wanting your baby to hold. All of these things have been hard to get through. And the journey of grief continues. I suppose it never really ends. But perhaps we eventually reach a point of peace.

Lighting a candle

Today, October 15th, marks pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. This is a day that I was not aware of a year ago, but now- it will always be a day I remember.

Today- like each and every day- I think of my perfect baby boy..whose nose was mine, lips like his father.. whose precious life stopped at just 21 weeks gestation. I will always remember you my dear son. I miss you more than words can say and wish more than anything in the world that you were with us today.

Today, like most days, I think too of the many mothers out there who have endured the loss of a pregnancy or infant. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.

So tonight, I light a candle in honor of our babies. May they never be forgotten.

O goodness: GRIEF

In December 2008, our baby was stillborn at 21 weeks. Like approximately 50% of those who suffer the loss of a child due to stillbirth, despite a battery of tests we may never know the reason for our loss.

Anyone who has lost a baby knows what a difficult, seemingly lonely grief it can be. We knew and loved our baby intimately. In an instant, our baby was taken from us- and we don't know why. Our hopes and dreams were shattered. Our hearts broke into pieces.

DH and I clung to each other in our grief. He tended to me during the horrible three days in the hospital, and during my recovery after. He was deeply saddened. I was a complete mess. Our friends and family shared their condolences and offered support.

Losing a child is difficult on so many levels. My child will live forever in my heart. And the grief I carry lurks just below the surface. But I forge ahead. Every day I forge ahead. And we continue our quest to have a family.