Baby is here!!! :)

Baby is a BOY!! :)

Baby E is healthy, beautiful and we are doing well. He was born one week ago- just now finding the time to sit down and write. Repeat c-section went well.. so far a much easier recovery than laboring for 24+ hrs first. Nursing is going well so far. Sleep deprivation and managing an active toddler who is adjusting/is especially needy right now are the biggest challenges.

It took a few days for reality to set in that he is really here. That he is ours. That we have the family we always dreamed of, minus our angel(s) who lives in our hearts. He resembles his older brother toddler C, and looks a lot like my baby picture. I can't wait to watch him grow and learn more about his personality. In the meantime, I am enjoying every moment that I get to snuggle him in my arms.

I am so incredibly grateful.

The final countdown

I'm just over 38 weeks pregnant. I don't know where the last several weeks have gone, but I am less than a week away from my scheduled repeat c-section. I can not even believe it!!

About a week and a half ago I hit the point of great physical discomfort. Thankfully I know this is temporary and I feel so fortunate to be expecting a baby, plus the fact that I've been physically feeling pretty good for the last few months.

It has been a different experience in so many ways this time around. I am a bit nervous, but excited too. Mainly I am trying to remain as present and relaxed as possible in these final days.

Thank you so much to anyone who has sent or will be sending positive thoughts my way. I can not tell you how much the support I've received in the blog community  means to me.

Stay tuned for an update coming soon!!!

All the best to everyone.

33 weeks

Just 6 weeks to go until our baby's due date. I can't believe it! I have opted for a repeat c-section, a decision that I made early on. For me it's the right choice, vs. going for a vbac. I had a long, dramatic labor with baby C that resulted in an uplanned/somewhat of an emergency c-section- and all that matters to me is getting this baby out full-term as quickly and safely as possible.

Only in the past few weeks have I really started to think about the reality of bringing this baby home. I thought that once I hit the viability milestone that I would start to feel less guarded.. But then a good friend of mine's baby was born at 27 weeks and so far there have been a lot of major medical issues. The baby and family are in my thoughts everyday and I just pray that she pulls through and is ok. The baby's actual due date is supposed to be right around the same as mine is- and it just such a reminder of how fragile their lives are.

On a more upbeat note, physically I have been feeling really pretty good lately. This pregnancy has been a lot different... I have gained considerably less weight, the baby measures in the normal range but smaller than my son C, totally different cravings, and different symptoms. This go around I haven't had the hip pain like I did with C, but a new symptom for me is the heartburn (ugh).  All of this and the vibes I've been getting lately are making me think this baby is a girl. For the first several months I thought probably boy, maybe girl. But now I'm convinced girl. DH still thinks boy though.... So we shall see!!!! I am amazed that I have been able to make it this far without finding out the sex. Normally I am such a curious person who likes to prepare as much as possible. But I truly will be happy either way and I feel so strongly that all that matters is bringing the baby home.

Thinking of all of my blog friends and hoping everyone has a good, peaceful mother's day no matter where you are in your journey. I know I've had some rough ones, and will be sending extra happy thoughts to anyone who may need it.

28 weeks

I have arrived at the start of the 3rd trimester! Everything seems to be going fine as far as I know. Physically I felt pretty good over the past month, which was a nice change after being nauseous/sick for several months. I believe that may be short-lived as I suddenly feel huge (the doc at my last appt told me I had gained more weight than I should have over the month), have to pee every 15 minutes (it feels like) and can't sleep. No complaints though- I'll take it.

I am so grateful to have arrived at this milestone. However, I have been reminded recently how there is still a ways to go and how things can change in a moment. Sadly I know two people IRL who in the past couple of weeks have experienced loss or complications and my heart is very much with them both. My friend whose due date is one week later than mine (she also has a 2.5 year old) delivered her baby very early at 27 weeks. Hoping and praying the baby makes it. A former co-worker lost her baby at 17 weeks last weekend. Please keep these women, babies & their families in your thoughts.

Baby is moving a lot and I just had an u/s last week. This pregnancy is starting to feel more real (amazing how long it takes). At 32 weeks I will start having NST & u/s 2 times per week. The plan is to have a repeat c-section at 39 weeks.

Wishing everyone a happy, peaceful spring full of goodness.

24 weeks

I am 24 weeks pregnant today, and so thankful to be able to say that. Baby is moving around regularly, and it's something that I subconsciously pay attention to day and night these days. The mid/late second trimester is a tough phase for me. It brings up a lot of anxiety and grief. I've had a couple of nights where I have woken up suddenly because the baby had not been moving and it put me in a near panic. Having had the successful pregnancy of my rainbow baby I didn't expect to feel quite this way. However, our bodies really do have a memory of their own. I have engaged a therapist to help work through this anxiety that has hit me lately. I am confident that in time and with the effort, I will be feeling more calm and confident soon. I am looking forward to reaching the viability milestone in about a month.

20 weeks

Tomorrow I will be 20 weeks pregnant. It's nice to reach this milestone of hitting the half-way mark, and also completing the level II ultrasound. Time feels like it is moving slowly, but I am able to stay somewhat distracted chasing a toddler around. However, the 2nd trimester is not an easy one for me. Since I've had an unexplained loss at 21 weeks, it doesn't feel that different from the 1st trimester when many people worry about possible loss.

I have been feeling the baby move since 16 weeks. The moment that I felt that first movement was an emotional and happy one for me. Since then I have had a couple of days where the baby was quiet and I began to worry (ok, panic), but so far things are going well (and thank goodness for my doppler for those moments).  My level II ultrasound was last week. Thankfully everything looked good. I had it done at the peri.natologist's office. It was an ultrasound tech who completed it, and she was also in training. Therefore it was taking her a long time to locate what she was looking for and there was way too much silence. I finally had to ask if everything looked ok. I then informed her that a long period of silence is not comforting to the patient.

I've had a second appointment at my new obgyn's office. I am still feeling a bit uneasy and really missing my former ob. I am not used to such a large practice. They have an excellent reputation, but so far it feels much more impersonal and appointments are more rushed than Iam used to. I am hoping that within in the next couple of appointments I will have established a more comfortable/trusting relationship with a doctor there and will hopefully feel better about that.

Physically, I am feeling much less nauseous but still not feeling great. Not complaining as I am just thrilled and grateful to be pregnant- however, it is a little annoying. I am definitely getting bigger faster this time around. I've been lazy lately and need to step up the exercise and start eating a little better.

So we didn't find out the sex of the baby. I don't know if I will make it through to full term without finding out, but for now it's a surprise. DH thinks the baby is a boy, whereas I had been thinking possibly a girl. I have had two vivid baby dreams though... In one I was holding the swaddled baby, who had just been delivered- and it was a boy. Last night I dreamt that we were at an appointment and we asked the doctor about the sex and she said we are having a boy. We shall see! The nice thing there will be no disappointment as I truly do not have a preference and will be beyond happy to a live, healthy baby.

14 weeks

14 weeks and still pregnant! Here's a recap of the past few weeks:

- I did c.vs testing at 12 weeks and the results came back normal. Whew! In case anyone is wondering, I chose to do testing because I believe that information about your pregnancy is power. At my age (38.5) there is much greater risk of there being something I should know about vs. the very small risk of miscarriage from the procedure. Surprisingly I found the procedure to be much easier than an amnio (which i did with baby C).

- I finally had my first appointment at my new obgyn here in my new city. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It is a group practice that has an excellent reputation and was recommended by both the RE here and the perinatologist. Turns out it is the type of group practice where you do not see the same doctor throughout your pregnancy. You are seen by whomever is available Apparently this is a common model these days, but I hope I get used to it. We adored by previous ob and miss him a lot.

- The nausea lifted a week or so ago. Yay! No more puking and my sense of smell/food aversions are much better. I'm not fatigued, although I haven't had a burst of energy yet. My appetite is back. In fact, I want to eat every couple of hours (which is annoying). And I'm craving all kinds of comfort foods.

- I'm getting fat already. I haven't gained much weigh, but things are growing and shifting. I'm in that awkward stage where I look like I have a beer gut.. Nothing cute about it. I'm still wearing my regular clothes, but only certain things fit.

- Now that I am officially in the second trimester, the fact that I am pregnant is starting to sink in. I have definitely been quite guarded and am still anxious as there is still a long way to go. I wish I could feel like a normal pregnant person who had never experienced a later trimester loss or multiple losses. Typically at this point, women feel like they are out of the woods. I'm not nearly as freaked out as I was during pregnancy with my rainbow baby. But I still know the realities of what can happen all to well..Not just from my experience but from other babyloss mamas' stories.

- We have informed our immediate families and are starting to share the news with our closest friends. Although I am optimistic about the outcome, I am cautiously so. I am also extremely extremely grateful for this pregnancy. It still seems hard to believe that it happened and that I've made it to this point.

- For the first time I got to meet a blog friend in real life, which was so cool.We met up along with our little ones. What a unique type of friendship we all share in this community. It is so neat that we have friendships based on mutual compassion. S and I had already been friends for over three years and supported each other throughout fertility treatments, pregnancy loss, pregnancy etc. 

Those are some of the pregnancy highlights from the past few weeks. Like everyone, I've been thinking constantly about the families in Newtow.n, CT. My heart is heavy. 

Thankfully my heart is also warmed by many things to be thankful for, like: the arrival of White.Picket Fence and D.awn's babies!! And baby Raz! Congrats. 

Wishing the best to all on their continued journeys. Sending positive thoughts out there.

11 weeks

Today marks 11 weeks for me. As far as I know, I am still pregnant. It has been 3 weeks since my last appt and one week to go until my next. I didn't expect to go four weeks between appointments and the lack of reassurance that all is well is starting to weigh on me. My last appt. was with the RE after my surprise BFP. And my new obgyn (who I have not met) could not get me in until 12 weeks since I am a new patient. Sigh. With my pregnancy with Baby C I had ultrasounds every 2 weeks throughout which helped ease my anxiety. I miss my old OB, but not much I can go since I now live in another State.

At 10 weeks, I stopped the pro.gesterone as instructed. Boy do I not miss it! Coincidentally or not, my nausea has eased up considerably since then. Overall I was much more nauseous this go around and now I suppose it was much in part to the medication. However, now that my biggest symptoms are gone I get worried that things might not be going well in utero. Previously morning sickness lasted 14 weeks for me.

I am trying to remain optimistic and remind myself that last time we checked this baby's heart was beating and s/he was developing on track. Then my mind goes to the crazy place and reminds me that was before 10 weeks, when the rate of miscarriage drops. Oh I would have really appreciated an u/s at 10 weeks to know where we stand.

So.. time to stay busy, distracted and positive for the next several days until my next appt.

I am sad to read about a couple of first trimester losses of fellow bloggers this week. I look forward to celebrating the news of a couple of blogger friend's baby's arrivals in the next few weeks!!

8 weeks

Eight and a half weeks and still pregnant!

Our ultrasound a few days ago showed a gummy bear with a beating heart. Whew!  I'm still as sick as ever. The good thing about that, I suppose, is it's distracting me from worrying about the pregnancy. I feel too sick to think about anything else.

We had some family visiting from out of town recently, so we disclosed our news to them. They kept asking when the due date is. Honestly, I don't know. I haven't been told a date and I haven't calculated one. I can add up the months in my head and get a general timeframe, but I try not to think about it. These are the things we do when we've experienced loss. We are a bit guarded. There's still such a long way to go.

I was released from the RE, which is exciting. Still a couple of weeks to go before the rate of miscarriage drops, however. Before my last RE appointment, I met with a perinatalogist to get one final opinion about l.ovenox. They were firm in their opinion that I do not need it and provided a thorough explanation. I finally have peace of mind with that decision. Hoping for the best.

I was able to get a referral for an obgyn in my new city. It's a women's group- I really hope I like them. I am missing my former ob very much. He was with us throughout it all, and was incredibly sensitive to our anxiety during my second pregnancy (the one after our loss of baby S, which resulted in baby C). He did lots of monitoring, including ultrasounds every two weeks. He also did a great job with my unplanned c-section. I'm not sure if a new ob will put me at ease the way he did, but I hope so. I guess I will find out in a couple of weeks.

six weeks

When I got my surprise BFP, I immediately contacted the RE that I had consulted with just one week prior in my new city. Crazy to think when we were having that conversation and I left his office feeling dismayed that a surprise pregnancy was in the works. Thankfully, I had met with him and my file was there so I was able to get a prescription for prog.esterone immediately and start monitoring right away.

Betas increased nicely and I went in for my first ultrasound a few days ago. At the six week appointment things were looking good. We even got to see a heartbeat!  We were not expecting that so early. With my 3 other pregnancies we did not see a heartbeat until closer to 7 weeks (one which eventually stopped at 21 weeks and one at 7.5). It is still SO early, and I am very aware that things could change at any moment. Trying to remain cautiously optimistic however!

Morning sickness (well more like all-day sickness) has kicked in full force. This is the worst I have ever felt with pregnancy, which I'm hoping is just a good thing. Whereas before during first trimesters I felt tired and a little bit nauseous all of the time, and very nauseous at times... This time I feel tired and VERY nauseous ALL of the time.  I've also been getting migraines, which is a new not-fun symptom. I'm not complaining over here! Just noting the symptoms and differences. Hoping this pregnancy progresses and I make it to the second trimester and beyond to bring this baby home.

Because we did not do treatments this round, we did not do l.ovenox. Currently I am on prescription prenatal, Fol.gard and baby aspirin. My last RE and this new one had both said that despite the recent finding of autoimmune factors, they didn't think it was necessary. But they were also kind of on the fence- meaning they would prescribe it if we insisted. I am currently not on l.ovenox and this has had me a bit worried. The RE seemed more firm in his belief that I do not need it at my last appointment, and suggested I get one final opinion from a peri.natologist, which I will do next week. The RE gave me a little speech about love.nox being a big deal. Well, my thought it is also a big deal to lose a baby, especially the further along you get in pregnancy.  More than anything I want peace of mind that I am doing what I should to sustain this pregnancy- I would hate for this to end badly and have regrets later.

unexpected (in a very good way!)

Infertility is a wild ride indeed. A few significant events for me to report from this week!...

FIRST:

Early this week I met with a new RE (since we've relocated again. this will be my 3rd clinic & 4th specialist).

We had a thorough discussion of my history ttc, covering the past five-plus years. He had obviously read my thick file in detail (which I so appreciated), he asked me many questions, and provided thorough explanations of my questions to him. His advice for next steps: another sono.hysterogram, new bloodwork, continue current meds (Folgard and B.A.) and plan for IVF w/ICSI & PGD. We don't know how we would pay for all of that. He also drove home two points, which I already knew: 1) time is not on my side (rapidly approaching age 38.5) and 2) my track record of several failed IUIs using IVF strength meds and the result of my IVF (although successful) was not impressive in terms of eggs produced and fertilization.

I left that meeting feeling good about the doctor, but dismayed about the outlook for me pursing more treatments.

THEN:

October 15th- baby loss remembrance day. When I stop and think about it, it almost still feels hard to believe my loss of Baby C at 21 weeks and that I went through another miscarriage a few months ago. I think of all of the women in this community, the stories of loss and struggle. All of the babies who are missed and loved. All of the hearts that will never be quite the same. Prior to five years ago I didn't know the depth of people's pain and sorrow, nor my own. The support that is shared in this community and the strength of all of the women in it is astounding.

FINALLY:

Throughout the past five-plus years (with the exception of cycles where I was doing treatments, was pregnant, or was recovering from loss) we have continued to ttc naturally every month, even though I'd been told long ago that my chances of conceiving this way were 0%. I OPK and follow up with a pregnancy test each time- crazy as it is. I can not count the number of pee sticks and BFNs.

We tried last month and now...

I am pregnant.

In awe.

Grateful to my body for once in a very, very long time. And grateful to the universe.

Scared of all the things that can go wrong.

Guilty thinking of those who need a BFP too.

So many mixed emotions.

Above them all.

Grateful.

Hematologist appointment

Yesterday I met with a hematologist to review my RPL bloodwork results, which came back positive for MTHFR (heterozygous) gene mutation and borderline Protein S Deficiency. I am currently taking the prescribed Folgard (high dose Folic Acid plus vitamins B6 & B12) and Baby Aspirin. Apparently I will be on these for life. Basically I wanted to discuss future treatment if/when pregnant (ie. possible L.ovenox) and talk about these autoimmune disorders in relation to infertility and pregnancy loss.

From what I've gathered talking to two REs, from online research, and from now two hematologists- the medical community does not have clear cut answers about all of this nor a standard protocol about l.ovenox. These issues are not being taken seriously enough. They won't say for certain whether it causes IF or miscarriage... however, a visit to any of the message boards surrounding this topic make it clear that it effects both for many, many people. Either or both of these conditions can wreak havoc on one's body in a number of serious ways. I lost a precious baby boy at 21 weeks because of it. Bottom line was, neither the REs nor Hematologists feel I need to take l.ovenox if pregnant.. however they understand that I may insist on being prescribed it just to be safe. One thing that I did find out about the drug is it is really freaking expensive. Of course, I still need to get pregnant first and that would already cost us a ton of money that we don't have.

I've spent most of the summer feeling pretty down after my last miscarriage. DH and I know we really want another baby, but none of our options are looking very promising... all are very difficult and very expensive. And in the end they don't promise you a baby. I am also starting to feel quite beat down by the cumulative trying/failing/loss etc. I'm one who is a bit prone to depression and anxiety, so I've had some rough days throughout this journey. We've been at this for over 5 years, which is half of our marriage. I have started researching adoption. I know I can love a baby that is not biologically mine and I have always known this. But that path isn't easy either. And in the back of my mind too I know that the time may come soon when I need to accept life as it is and let go of further efforts. For now I am trying to focus on myself and my relationship, which needs some TLC. IF and baby loss take a toll. I'm tired.. but I'm not done trying just yet.

RPL Bloodwork results- and questions for other RPL folks

After our miscarriage this summer, my RE suggested that I do the battery of blood tests for recurrent pregnancy loss to dig deeper into what might be going on. My first pregnancy in 2008 ended at 21 weeks gestation and this one at 7.5 weeks. We gave birth to our rainbow baby in July 2010. All pregnancies have been the result of fertility treatments, as we have struggled with infertility over the course of 5 years.

After our stillbirth in 2008, we wanted to make sure we were tested for everything under the sun that could have possibly caused a later trimester loss. Everything came back normal at the time and the loss of our son was considered a fluke. The biopsy of the baby that we lost this summer did not yield results.

Evidently the bloodwork for RPL is a broader battery of tests than I had done a few years back following our stillbirth. I now finally have learned that I have a single MTHFR gene mutation as well as low Protein S. I have been prescribed Folgard for MTHFR. My Protein S level has been tested twice over the past few months, and although it is below the normal range- the hematologist who reviewed my paperwork has deemed that I do not have the disorder and therefore would not be prescribed lovenox in a future pregnancy.

Even though the doctors could not give a definite reason for our stillbirth, blood clotting was a strong possibility and in my gut have felt it was the reason. So I guess this news of potential immune issues doesn't shock me- I just wish I knew more about it and wish I knew sooner. With our rainbow baby, I took baby aspirin throughout the pregnancy. However, it was treated more as "it can't hurt" than an actual preventative measure by my doctors. I was told not to bother taking it during this last pregnancy, which was short-lived.

I've just moved to a new state and need to start over with doctors (ugh!). In addition to meeting with a new RE soon I also would like to talk to a hematologist in person about the low Protein S and treatment thereof.

This is new information for me. If anyone out there can offer suggestions, share experiences related to MTHFR and/or low Protein S/Protein S Deficiency as it relates to infertility and baby loss, I would appreciate hearing from you.

I swear your body remembers

I have been super busy over the past few weeks as we were in the midst of an out-of-state move. Moving is a pain.  However, things have been falling into place with that. Meanwhile, we were traveling and on the move. As ready as a felt to do this move, I have been in the biggest FUNK. You know- when you are just feeling crappy and you don't know why and you can't help it, but you wish you could.

For me when this happens it normally has to do with my cycle- yet somehow at the time I forget this. Then when AF arrives, it's like "no wonder!" No wonder I was in such a crappy mood for no reason! There really was a reason. Somehow for years and years I experience this and every time it feels like a new "Aha!" moment. Anyone else ever feel that way?

This was different though. The funk was lingering. I was in a bad, sad mood wayyyy longer than the usual day or two. Then, it occurred to me...

If I were still pregnant, I would have just rounded the bend of my stillbirth date (21 weeks) and nearing the viability milestone. When I was pregnant in May, I didn't let myself get too exited of course. However, I did note the due date (which would be at Christmas/the new year). I did also mentally note when the first trimester would be complete (right when we would see both of our families last summer). But that was all. Once the miscarriage happened, I wiped those dates from my mind.

But my body remembers.

Has this happened to you after baby loss?

It certainly happened after my first loss. Losing Baby S at 21 weeks left me with an empty womb that ached for that baby to be there. I didn't know what first trimester loss felt like until a few months ago. Would it be different? Easier somehow?

I still carry some grief from this most recent loss. It's not nearly the devastation I went through with a stillborn, and it being my first pregnancy. Not that one matters more than the other, but they are different.

What I didn't expect this time is for my body to remember the baby. I bounced back pretty quickly this time- mentally and emotionally, relatively speaking. However, I now have complete clarity on why I've had a serious case of the blues these past two weeks. It's "what could have been." Again. And oh that would have been nice. Very nice.

I'll be ok though. I'm still fighting this fight. Don't know what my strategy is yet, but I am for certain hanging in.

Sending giant positive thoughts to all of y'all on  your journeys.

feeling a little all over the place

Since my last post a few weeks ago, my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place.

Recap of my status:
Years ttc overall- 5 years
Fertility treatments- 7 IUIs, 1 IVF
Pregnancies- 3 (all achieved through treatment)
Baby loss- 2 (1 stillbirth @ 21 weeks, 1 miscarriage 7.5 weeks) 
Age- 38

Add all of that up and it's not the most promising picture to achieve another live birth, and most definitely some aggressive and very expensive steps will be required to move forward. We've spent a whole lot of money on this journey so far, and financially we need to take a hard look at our situation. On top of that, being back in the throes of ttc and failing at it over the last 1.5 year has resulted in a gradually growing depression and anxiety. These are issues that I am genetically predisposed to and have faced in the past- usually around times of major change or loss. Following the loss of our first son, I sought therapy and medication. I am starting to realize that my miscarriage back in May has affected me more than I expected. Although it wasn't nearly the devastation and shock I experienced in a second trimester loss, I am feeling the grief longer than I anticipated.

We are about to move out of state, which is a huge change and will also require new doctor(s). Fortunately I I have been able to get a recommendation for an RE in my new town. (Thank you, S!)  At this point we don't have a plan. That probably adds to my feeling vulnerable and somewhat defeated. In fact, I will continue to be on hold for a bit while I await more results from RPL blood testing (much more on that in a new post when I have all the info!), while we deal with the move, and while I focus on my health and try to get my head straight.

I am also noticing the long term affects of infertility. While we are desperate to bring home our first baby, so many things around us are difficult. Once we have a live baby in our arms, a lot of those factors around us do become easier, but they do not go away entirely. In the time that I have been ttc a sibling for toddler C, all of his playmates now how younger siblings or siblings on the way. I still find myself surrounded mostly by fertiles who make naive comments. "Come on, jump on the pregnancy bandwagon!" "You must think we are crazy for have TWO little ones now." Really people? Ladies, if only you had any idea what so many people go through. At times I try to tactfully educate these people- but alas it ends up being seemingly lost on them and is a difficult task for me. 

I've probably been overly emotional lately because of this pending move (leaving friends, the stress of moving etc). But I've cried quite a few times in recent weeks, more than I would care to. I am eternally grateful for my living son. Right now I need to focus my love and attention on him. This journey at times has also taken a toll on my marriage- the stress, the sadness, the expense. I am going to try my best to be at peace right now, be present, be open to possibilites, be grateful, and to love the people around me.

Thoughts, comments?

Sono, bloodwork & relo

I had my sonohys.tiogram today- and thankful no returned polyps and no fibroids. My uterus is looking good. Whew! I had a whole bunch of blood drawn to go through a wider battery of tests in order to dig further for any possible underlying problems. I should have all of the results back in a couple of weeks. I hope they don't find anything. (Not that our losses or IF being "unexplained" is good either).

We just found out that we will in fact be moving out of State very soon- to a new city, where we really don't know anyone. The job opportunity for DH is great, and the location is good. The process of moving sucks as usual though, and now I will have to start over looking for new doctors. Ugh.

We aren't sure what next steps we will take yet, and the options are all difficult & expensive. Right now we are on hold due to the additional tests and now we are delayed due the move. Being on hold is a bit frustrating. Also recently we visited both of our families, and it would have been the time that we would have announced our pregnancy. This is a challenging time right now...Everything feels a little bitter sweet. Hanging on tight to the sweet parts & praying for the universe to conspire in our direction.

Happy to see more hard-fought pregnancies and rainbow babies out there. Sending good thoughts to all!

Post D&C

Thank you very much for the kind thoughts that were sent my way and the supportive comments about my miscarriage. I appreciate you blog friends so much! I was really nice to hear from and *meet* some new blogger friends too. Your words of comfort helped!

It's already been a month since our loss- the last 4 weeks feel like a blur.  I've had so many emotions and thoughts swirling around within me. Although we knew we had a 30% chance of miscarriage, and things were not looking good for us- it was still such a huge disappointment and I did go through a few days of pretty heavy grieving. Even if you don't mean to, you just get your hopes up! Especially after seeing that heartbeat. Sigh.

I'm one month out and went in for bloodwork today and hopefully my hcg level is finally down. The next couple of months we are basically on hold as I will be waiting for AF, and doing some additional testing. With my now 2 losses (first & second trimester) my RE wants to dig further for any possible underlying issues. Time for another sonohystiogram to check for possible new hidden polyps, and another battery of bloodtests. My case is now being treated as RPL.. by definition it has been 3 consecutive losses, but apparently it's changing at many of the clinics to 2 miscarriages overall. My list of categories has grown: infertility, stillbirth, recurrent pregnancy loss.

Where we will go after the next couple of months remains to be seen. What we do know is that despite it all, we still have a lot of room in our hearts to love another baby and will continue our journey to bring another baby home. Which path we take is the question... we will be gathering information on further treatments and would like to become more educated about adoption. As much as I don't want to look at the option, I also have to keep an open mind that at some point soon, we may reach the point where we have tried as hard as we can within reason. For now, that one's on the back burner. In the meantime, I am looking at the bright side of a break from ttc- a couple of months without the 2 ww, the feeling of failure, the disappointment and grief from loss. And I have to gear up for whatever lies ahead.

Oh, to add to the uncertainty and struggle- I just turned another year older! I'm now 38. Also, there is a very high chance that we will be relocating out of state in the very near future.

I am not alone these days- I've read of many losses recently and my heart goes out to everyone. I am also incredibly happy for all the hard fought pregnancies that are moving along out there!

Hugs to everyone.

the dreaded news

We received the bad news this morning at our 8 week appointment... Our little baby's heartbeat is no longer there...

S/he had grown 4 more days since last Friday. At this stage in the first trimester and based on last week's appointment, I can't say I was shocked... but was holding out so much hope.  We tried so hard- and we wanted and love that baby. It's been a long journey overall and we've already dealt with a major loss. We hadn't told anyone the news of our pregnancy yet. Going in for d & c tomorrow. We will be ok, I know that, but for right now my heart aches with sadness.

going in for u/s & bloodwork Friday (not today)

I moved my next appointment back to it's originally scheduled time, this Friday (2 days away). When I found out about my crappy blood work results at my seven week appt. last Friday, I panicked and had my next appointment moved up to today (Wednesday). I am still nervous, but I have calmed down a bit and moved the back to when the doctor suggested. Initially I was thinking the sooner I know the status of this pregnancy (the bad news) the better. Then I decided that I need to focus my thoughts on that little heartbeat that I saw last Friday and visualize it being there. I'm praying that it's still going, yet I'm scared it's not. So for now, I guess I'd like to hang on to that hope and image for a couple more days before finding anything out.

No cramping or bleeding over the past several days..I've been wearing a liner in anticipation and checking throughout each day. I also can't help but analyze every little thing my body is feeling.. was that cramps? Or gas? No nausea (which I have felt strongly in my past 2 pregnancies). I have had some fatigue, although I'm always pretty tired anyway from running around all day and not enough sleep. My uterus does seem to be pushing out a bit, however progesterone supplements have fooled me in that regard in the past.

I made the mistake of googling about my low hormone levels and of course came across nothing but information pointing to and stories of miscarriage.It has been another long week of waiting. I am trying to keep as busy and distracted as possible. Fingers crossed for Friday that the appointment is good.

7 week update- bloodwork concerns!

Ok, so that excitement was short lived. The nurse called to inform me that my bloodwork today is a concern. My progesterone dropped from 32 to a whopping low15 and estrogen from 690 to 197. FUGG! Also there's the issue with the possible little growth.

My appointment has been moved up from Friday to Wednesday. What a roller coaster. Hoping/praying hard!!