Baby is here!!! :)

Baby is a BOY!! :)

Baby E is healthy, beautiful and we are doing well. He was born one week ago- just now finding the time to sit down and write. Repeat c-section went well.. so far a much easier recovery than laboring for 24+ hrs first. Nursing is going well so far. Sleep deprivation and managing an active toddler who is adjusting/is especially needy right now are the biggest challenges.

It took a few days for reality to set in that he is really here. That he is ours. That we have the family we always dreamed of, minus our angel(s) who lives in our hearts. He resembles his older brother toddler C, and looks a lot like my baby picture. I can't wait to watch him grow and learn more about his personality. In the meantime, I am enjoying every moment that I get to snuggle him in my arms.

I am so incredibly grateful.

The final countdown

I'm just over 38 weeks pregnant. I don't know where the last several weeks have gone, but I am less than a week away from my scheduled repeat c-section. I can not even believe it!!

About a week and a half ago I hit the point of great physical discomfort. Thankfully I know this is temporary and I feel so fortunate to be expecting a baby, plus the fact that I've been physically feeling pretty good for the last few months.

It has been a different experience in so many ways this time around. I am a bit nervous, but excited too. Mainly I am trying to remain as present and relaxed as possible in these final days.

Thank you so much to anyone who has sent or will be sending positive thoughts my way. I can not tell you how much the support I've received in the blog community  means to me.

Stay tuned for an update coming soon!!!

All the best to everyone.

33 weeks

Just 6 weeks to go until our baby's due date. I can't believe it! I have opted for a repeat c-section, a decision that I made early on. For me it's the right choice, vs. going for a vbac. I had a long, dramatic labor with baby C that resulted in an uplanned/somewhat of an emergency c-section- and all that matters to me is getting this baby out full-term as quickly and safely as possible.

Only in the past few weeks have I really started to think about the reality of bringing this baby home. I thought that once I hit the viability milestone that I would start to feel less guarded.. But then a good friend of mine's baby was born at 27 weeks and so far there have been a lot of major medical issues. The baby and family are in my thoughts everyday and I just pray that she pulls through and is ok. The baby's actual due date is supposed to be right around the same as mine is- and it just such a reminder of how fragile their lives are.

On a more upbeat note, physically I have been feeling really pretty good lately. This pregnancy has been a lot different... I have gained considerably less weight, the baby measures in the normal range but smaller than my son C, totally different cravings, and different symptoms. This go around I haven't had the hip pain like I did with C, but a new symptom for me is the heartburn (ugh).  All of this and the vibes I've been getting lately are making me think this baby is a girl. For the first several months I thought probably boy, maybe girl. But now I'm convinced girl. DH still thinks boy though.... So we shall see!!!! I am amazed that I have been able to make it this far without finding out the sex. Normally I am such a curious person who likes to prepare as much as possible. But I truly will be happy either way and I feel so strongly that all that matters is bringing the baby home.

Thinking of all of my blog friends and hoping everyone has a good, peaceful mother's day no matter where you are in your journey. I know I've had some rough ones, and will be sending extra happy thoughts to anyone who may need it.

28 weeks

I have arrived at the start of the 3rd trimester! Everything seems to be going fine as far as I know. Physically I felt pretty good over the past month, which was a nice change after being nauseous/sick for several months. I believe that may be short-lived as I suddenly feel huge (the doc at my last appt told me I had gained more weight than I should have over the month), have to pee every 15 minutes (it feels like) and can't sleep. No complaints though- I'll take it.

I am so grateful to have arrived at this milestone. However, I have been reminded recently how there is still a ways to go and how things can change in a moment. Sadly I know two people IRL who in the past couple of weeks have experienced loss or complications and my heart is very much with them both. My friend whose due date is one week later than mine (she also has a 2.5 year old) delivered her baby very early at 27 weeks. Hoping and praying the baby makes it. A former co-worker lost her baby at 17 weeks last weekend. Please keep these women, babies & their families in your thoughts.

Baby is moving a lot and I just had an u/s last week. This pregnancy is starting to feel more real (amazing how long it takes). At 32 weeks I will start having NST & u/s 2 times per week. The plan is to have a repeat c-section at 39 weeks.

Wishing everyone a happy, peaceful spring full of goodness.

24 weeks

I am 24 weeks pregnant today, and so thankful to be able to say that. Baby is moving around regularly, and it's something that I subconsciously pay attention to day and night these days. The mid/late second trimester is a tough phase for me. It brings up a lot of anxiety and grief. I've had a couple of nights where I have woken up suddenly because the baby had not been moving and it put me in a near panic. Having had the successful pregnancy of my rainbow baby I didn't expect to feel quite this way. However, our bodies really do have a memory of their own. I have engaged a therapist to help work through this anxiety that has hit me lately. I am confident that in time and with the effort, I will be feeling more calm and confident soon. I am looking forward to reaching the viability milestone in about a month.

20 weeks

Tomorrow I will be 20 weeks pregnant. It's nice to reach this milestone of hitting the half-way mark, and also completing the level II ultrasound. Time feels like it is moving slowly, but I am able to stay somewhat distracted chasing a toddler around. However, the 2nd trimester is not an easy one for me. Since I've had an unexplained loss at 21 weeks, it doesn't feel that different from the 1st trimester when many people worry about possible loss.

I have been feeling the baby move since 16 weeks. The moment that I felt that first movement was an emotional and happy one for me. Since then I have had a couple of days where the baby was quiet and I began to worry (ok, panic), but so far things are going well (and thank goodness for my doppler for those moments).  My level II ultrasound was last week. Thankfully everything looked good. I had it done at the peri.natologist's office. It was an ultrasound tech who completed it, and she was also in training. Therefore it was taking her a long time to locate what she was looking for and there was way too much silence. I finally had to ask if everything looked ok. I then informed her that a long period of silence is not comforting to the patient.

I've had a second appointment at my new obgyn's office. I am still feeling a bit uneasy and really missing my former ob. I am not used to such a large practice. They have an excellent reputation, but so far it feels much more impersonal and appointments are more rushed than Iam used to. I am hoping that within in the next couple of appointments I will have established a more comfortable/trusting relationship with a doctor there and will hopefully feel better about that.

Physically, I am feeling much less nauseous but still not feeling great. Not complaining as I am just thrilled and grateful to be pregnant- however, it is a little annoying. I am definitely getting bigger faster this time around. I've been lazy lately and need to step up the exercise and start eating a little better.

So we didn't find out the sex of the baby. I don't know if I will make it through to full term without finding out, but for now it's a surprise. DH thinks the baby is a boy, whereas I had been thinking possibly a girl. I have had two vivid baby dreams though... In one I was holding the swaddled baby, who had just been delivered- and it was a boy. Last night I dreamt that we were at an appointment and we asked the doctor about the sex and she said we are having a boy. We shall see! The nice thing there will be no disappointment as I truly do not have a preference and will be beyond happy to a live, healthy baby.

14 weeks

14 weeks and still pregnant! Here's a recap of the past few weeks:

- I did c.vs testing at 12 weeks and the results came back normal. Whew! In case anyone is wondering, I chose to do testing because I believe that information about your pregnancy is power. At my age (38.5) there is much greater risk of there being something I should know about vs. the very small risk of miscarriage from the procedure. Surprisingly I found the procedure to be much easier than an amnio (which i did with baby C).

- I finally had my first appointment at my new obgyn here in my new city. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It is a group practice that has an excellent reputation and was recommended by both the RE here and the perinatologist. Turns out it is the type of group practice where you do not see the same doctor throughout your pregnancy. You are seen by whomever is available Apparently this is a common model these days, but I hope I get used to it. We adored by previous ob and miss him a lot.

- The nausea lifted a week or so ago. Yay! No more puking and my sense of smell/food aversions are much better. I'm not fatigued, although I haven't had a burst of energy yet. My appetite is back. In fact, I want to eat every couple of hours (which is annoying). And I'm craving all kinds of comfort foods.

- I'm getting fat already. I haven't gained much weigh, but things are growing and shifting. I'm in that awkward stage where I look like I have a beer gut.. Nothing cute about it. I'm still wearing my regular clothes, but only certain things fit.

- Now that I am officially in the second trimester, the fact that I am pregnant is starting to sink in. I have definitely been quite guarded and am still anxious as there is still a long way to go. I wish I could feel like a normal pregnant person who had never experienced a later trimester loss or multiple losses. Typically at this point, women feel like they are out of the woods. I'm not nearly as freaked out as I was during pregnancy with my rainbow baby. But I still know the realities of what can happen all to well..Not just from my experience but from other babyloss mamas' stories.

- We have informed our immediate families and are starting to share the news with our closest friends. Although I am optimistic about the outcome, I am cautiously so. I am also extremely extremely grateful for this pregnancy. It still seems hard to believe that it happened and that I've made it to this point.

- For the first time I got to meet a blog friend in real life, which was so cool.We met up along with our little ones. What a unique type of friendship we all share in this community. It is so neat that we have friendships based on mutual compassion. S and I had already been friends for over three years and supported each other throughout fertility treatments, pregnancy loss, pregnancy etc. 

Those are some of the pregnancy highlights from the past few weeks. Like everyone, I've been thinking constantly about the families in Newtow.n, CT. My heart is heavy. 

Thankfully my heart is also warmed by many things to be thankful for, like: the arrival of White.Picket Fence and D.awn's babies!! And baby Raz! Congrats. 

Wishing the best to all on their continued journeys. Sending positive thoughts out there.