14 weeks

14 weeks and still pregnant! Here's a recap of the past few weeks:

- I did c.vs testing at 12 weeks and the results came back normal. Whew! In case anyone is wondering, I chose to do testing because I believe that information about your pregnancy is power. At my age (38.5) there is much greater risk of there being something I should know about vs. the very small risk of miscarriage from the procedure. Surprisingly I found the procedure to be much easier than an amnio (which i did with baby C).

- I finally had my first appointment at my new obgyn here in my new city. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It is a group practice that has an excellent reputation and was recommended by both the RE here and the perinatologist. Turns out it is the type of group practice where you do not see the same doctor throughout your pregnancy. You are seen by whomever is available Apparently this is a common model these days, but I hope I get used to it. We adored by previous ob and miss him a lot.

- The nausea lifted a week or so ago. Yay! No more puking and my sense of smell/food aversions are much better. I'm not fatigued, although I haven't had a burst of energy yet. My appetite is back. In fact, I want to eat every couple of hours (which is annoying). And I'm craving all kinds of comfort foods.

- I'm getting fat already. I haven't gained much weigh, but things are growing and shifting. I'm in that awkward stage where I look like I have a beer gut.. Nothing cute about it. I'm still wearing my regular clothes, but only certain things fit.

- Now that I am officially in the second trimester, the fact that I am pregnant is starting to sink in. I have definitely been quite guarded and am still anxious as there is still a long way to go. I wish I could feel like a normal pregnant person who had never experienced a later trimester loss or multiple losses. Typically at this point, women feel like they are out of the woods. I'm not nearly as freaked out as I was during pregnancy with my rainbow baby. But I still know the realities of what can happen all to well..Not just from my experience but from other babyloss mamas' stories.

- We have informed our immediate families and are starting to share the news with our closest friends. Although I am optimistic about the outcome, I am cautiously so. I am also extremely extremely grateful for this pregnancy. It still seems hard to believe that it happened and that I've made it to this point.

- For the first time I got to meet a blog friend in real life, which was so cool.We met up along with our little ones. What a unique type of friendship we all share in this community. It is so neat that we have friendships based on mutual compassion. S and I had already been friends for over three years and supported each other throughout fertility treatments, pregnancy loss, pregnancy etc. 

Those are some of the pregnancy highlights from the past few weeks. Like everyone, I've been thinking constantly about the families in Newtow.n, CT. My heart is heavy. 

Thankfully my heart is also warmed by many things to be thankful for, like: the arrival of White.Picket Fence and D.awn's babies!! And baby Raz! Congrats. 

Wishing the best to all on their continued journeys. Sending positive thoughts out there.

11 weeks

Today marks 11 weeks for me. As far as I know, I am still pregnant. It has been 3 weeks since my last appt and one week to go until my next. I didn't expect to go four weeks between appointments and the lack of reassurance that all is well is starting to weigh on me. My last appt. was with the RE after my surprise BFP. And my new obgyn (who I have not met) could not get me in until 12 weeks since I am a new patient. Sigh. With my pregnancy with Baby C I had ultrasounds every 2 weeks throughout which helped ease my anxiety. I miss my old OB, but not much I can go since I now live in another State.

At 10 weeks, I stopped the pro.gesterone as instructed. Boy do I not miss it! Coincidentally or not, my nausea has eased up considerably since then. Overall I was much more nauseous this go around and now I suppose it was much in part to the medication. However, now that my biggest symptoms are gone I get worried that things might not be going well in utero. Previously morning sickness lasted 14 weeks for me.

I am trying to remain optimistic and remind myself that last time we checked this baby's heart was beating and s/he was developing on track. Then my mind goes to the crazy place and reminds me that was before 10 weeks, when the rate of miscarriage drops. Oh I would have really appreciated an u/s at 10 weeks to know where we stand.

So.. time to stay busy, distracted and positive for the next several days until my next appt.

I am sad to read about a couple of first trimester losses of fellow bloggers this week. I look forward to celebrating the news of a couple of blogger friend's baby's arrivals in the next few weeks!!

8 weeks

Eight and a half weeks and still pregnant!

Our ultrasound a few days ago showed a gummy bear with a beating heart. Whew!  I'm still as sick as ever. The good thing about that, I suppose, is it's distracting me from worrying about the pregnancy. I feel too sick to think about anything else.

We had some family visiting from out of town recently, so we disclosed our news to them. They kept asking when the due date is. Honestly, I don't know. I haven't been told a date and I haven't calculated one. I can add up the months in my head and get a general timeframe, but I try not to think about it. These are the things we do when we've experienced loss. We are a bit guarded. There's still such a long way to go.

I was released from the RE, which is exciting. Still a couple of weeks to go before the rate of miscarriage drops, however. Before my last RE appointment, I met with a perinatalogist to get one final opinion about l.ovenox. They were firm in their opinion that I do not need it and provided a thorough explanation. I finally have peace of mind with that decision. Hoping for the best.

I was able to get a referral for an obgyn in my new city. It's a women's group- I really hope I like them. I am missing my former ob very much. He was with us throughout it all, and was incredibly sensitive to our anxiety during my second pregnancy (the one after our loss of baby S, which resulted in baby C). He did lots of monitoring, including ultrasounds every two weeks. He also did a great job with my unplanned c-section. I'm not sure if a new ob will put me at ease the way he did, but I hope so. I guess I will find out in a couple of weeks.

six weeks

When I got my surprise BFP, I immediately contacted the RE that I had consulted with just one week prior in my new city. Crazy to think when we were having that conversation and I left his office feeling dismayed that a surprise pregnancy was in the works. Thankfully, I had met with him and my file was there so I was able to get a prescription for prog.esterone immediately and start monitoring right away.

Betas increased nicely and I went in for my first ultrasound a few days ago. At the six week appointment things were looking good. We even got to see a heartbeat!  We were not expecting that so early. With my 3 other pregnancies we did not see a heartbeat until closer to 7 weeks (one which eventually stopped at 21 weeks and one at 7.5). It is still SO early, and I am very aware that things could change at any moment. Trying to remain cautiously optimistic however!

Morning sickness (well more like all-day sickness) has kicked in full force. This is the worst I have ever felt with pregnancy, which I'm hoping is just a good thing. Whereas before during first trimesters I felt tired and a little bit nauseous all of the time, and very nauseous at times... This time I feel tired and VERY nauseous ALL of the time.  I've also been getting migraines, which is a new not-fun symptom. I'm not complaining over here! Just noting the symptoms and differences. Hoping this pregnancy progresses and I make it to the second trimester and beyond to bring this baby home.

Because we did not do treatments this round, we did not do l.ovenox. Currently I am on prescription prenatal, Fol.gard and baby aspirin. My last RE and this new one had both said that despite the recent finding of autoimmune factors, they didn't think it was necessary. But they were also kind of on the fence- meaning they would prescribe it if we insisted. I am currently not on l.ovenox and this has had me a bit worried. The RE seemed more firm in his belief that I do not need it at my last appointment, and suggested I get one final opinion from a peri.natologist, which I will do next week. The RE gave me a little speech about love.nox being a big deal. Well, my thought it is also a big deal to lose a baby, especially the further along you get in pregnancy.  More than anything I want peace of mind that I am doing what I should to sustain this pregnancy- I would hate for this to end badly and have regrets later.

unexpected (in a very good way!)

Infertility is a wild ride indeed. A few significant events for me to report from this week!...

FIRST:

Early this week I met with a new RE (since we've relocated again. this will be my 3rd clinic & 4th specialist).

We had a thorough discussion of my history ttc, covering the past five-plus years. He had obviously read my thick file in detail (which I so appreciated), he asked me many questions, and provided thorough explanations of my questions to him. His advice for next steps: another sono.hysterogram, new bloodwork, continue current meds (Folgard and B.A.) and plan for IVF w/ICSI & PGD. We don't know how we would pay for all of that. He also drove home two points, which I already knew: 1) time is not on my side (rapidly approaching age 38.5) and 2) my track record of several failed IUIs using IVF strength meds and the result of my IVF (although successful) was not impressive in terms of eggs produced and fertilization.

I left that meeting feeling good about the doctor, but dismayed about the outlook for me pursing more treatments.

THEN:

October 15th- baby loss remembrance day. When I stop and think about it, it almost still feels hard to believe my loss of Baby C at 21 weeks and that I went through another miscarriage a few months ago. I think of all of the women in this community, the stories of loss and struggle. All of the babies who are missed and loved. All of the hearts that will never be quite the same. Prior to five years ago I didn't know the depth of people's pain and sorrow, nor my own. The support that is shared in this community and the strength of all of the women in it is astounding.

FINALLY:

Throughout the past five-plus years (with the exception of cycles where I was doing treatments, was pregnant, or was recovering from loss) we have continued to ttc naturally every month, even though I'd been told long ago that my chances of conceiving this way were 0%. I OPK and follow up with a pregnancy test each time- crazy as it is. I can not count the number of pee sticks and BFNs.

We tried last month and now...

I am pregnant.

In awe.

Grateful to my body for once in a very, very long time. And grateful to the universe.

Scared of all the things that can go wrong.

Guilty thinking of those who need a BFP too.

So many mixed emotions.

Above them all.

Grateful.

Hematologist appointment

Yesterday I met with a hematologist to review my RPL bloodwork results, which came back positive for MTHFR (heterozygous) gene mutation and borderline Protein S Deficiency. I am currently taking the prescribed Folgard (high dose Folic Acid plus vitamins B6 & B12) and Baby Aspirin. Apparently I will be on these for life. Basically I wanted to discuss future treatment if/when pregnant (ie. possible L.ovenox) and talk about these autoimmune disorders in relation to infertility and pregnancy loss.

From what I've gathered talking to two REs, from online research, and from now two hematologists- the medical community does not have clear cut answers about all of this nor a standard protocol about l.ovenox. These issues are not being taken seriously enough. They won't say for certain whether it causes IF or miscarriage... however, a visit to any of the message boards surrounding this topic make it clear that it effects both for many, many people. Either or both of these conditions can wreak havoc on one's body in a number of serious ways. I lost a precious baby boy at 21 weeks because of it. Bottom line was, neither the REs nor Hematologists feel I need to take l.ovenox if pregnant.. however they understand that I may insist on being prescribed it just to be safe. One thing that I did find out about the drug is it is really freaking expensive. Of course, I still need to get pregnant first and that would already cost us a ton of money that we don't have.

I've spent most of the summer feeling pretty down after my last miscarriage. DH and I know we really want another baby, but none of our options are looking very promising... all are very difficult and very expensive. And in the end they don't promise you a baby. I am also starting to feel quite beat down by the cumulative trying/failing/loss etc. I'm one who is a bit prone to depression and anxiety, so I've had some rough days throughout this journey. We've been at this for over 5 years, which is half of our marriage. I have started researching adoption. I know I can love a baby that is not biologically mine and I have always known this. But that path isn't easy either. And in the back of my mind too I know that the time may come soon when I need to accept life as it is and let go of further efforts. For now I am trying to focus on myself and my relationship, which needs some TLC. IF and baby loss take a toll. I'm tired.. but I'm not done trying just yet.

RPL Bloodwork results- and questions for other RPL folks

After our miscarriage this summer, my RE suggested that I do the battery of blood tests for recurrent pregnancy loss to dig deeper into what might be going on. My first pregnancy in 2008 ended at 21 weeks gestation and this one at 7.5 weeks. We gave birth to our rainbow baby in July 2010. All pregnancies have been the result of fertility treatments, as we have struggled with infertility over the course of 5 years.

After our stillbirth in 2008, we wanted to make sure we were tested for everything under the sun that could have possibly caused a later trimester loss. Everything came back normal at the time and the loss of our son was considered a fluke. The biopsy of the baby that we lost this summer did not yield results.

Evidently the bloodwork for RPL is a broader battery of tests than I had done a few years back following our stillbirth. I now finally have learned that I have a single MTHFR gene mutation as well as low Protein S. I have been prescribed Folgard for MTHFR. My Protein S level has been tested twice over the past few months, and although it is below the normal range- the hematologist who reviewed my paperwork has deemed that I do not have the disorder and therefore would not be prescribed lovenox in a future pregnancy.

Even though the doctors could not give a definite reason for our stillbirth, blood clotting was a strong possibility and in my gut have felt it was the reason. So I guess this news of potential immune issues doesn't shock me- I just wish I knew more about it and wish I knew sooner. With our rainbow baby, I took baby aspirin throughout the pregnancy. However, it was treated more as "it can't hurt" than an actual preventative measure by my doctors. I was told not to bother taking it during this last pregnancy, which was short-lived.

I've just moved to a new state and need to start over with doctors (ugh!). In addition to meeting with a new RE soon I also would like to talk to a hematologist in person about the low Protein S and treatment thereof.

This is new information for me. If anyone out there can offer suggestions, share experiences related to MTHFR and/or low Protein S/Protein S Deficiency as it relates to infertility and baby loss, I would appreciate hearing from you.