Since my last post a few weeks ago, my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place.
Recap of my status:
Years ttc overall- 5 years
Fertility treatments- 7 IUIs, 1 IVF
Pregnancies- 3 (all achieved through treatment)
Baby loss- 2 (1 stillbirth @ 21 weeks, 1 miscarriage 7.5 weeks)
Age- 38
Add all of that up and it's not the most promising picture to achieve another live birth, and most definitely some aggressive and very expensive steps will be required to move forward. We've spent a whole lot of money on this journey so far, and financially we need to take a hard look at our situation. On top of that, being back in the throes of ttc and failing at it over the last 1.5 year has resulted in a gradually growing depression and anxiety. These are issues that I am genetically predisposed to and have faced in the past- usually around times of major change or loss. Following the loss of our first son, I sought therapy and medication. I am starting to realize that my miscarriage back in May has affected me more than I expected. Although it wasn't nearly the devastation and shock I experienced in a second trimester loss, I am feeling the grief longer than I anticipated.
We are about to move out of state, which is a huge change and will also require new doctor(s). Fortunately I I have been able to get a recommendation for an RE in my new town. (Thank you, S!) At this point we don't have a plan. That probably adds to my feeling vulnerable and somewhat defeated. In fact, I will continue to be on hold for a bit while I await more results from RPL blood testing (much more on that in a new post when I have all the info!), while we deal with the move, and while I focus on my health and try to get my head straight.
I am also noticing the long term affects of infertility. While we are desperate to bring home our first baby, so many things around us are difficult. Once we have a live baby in our arms, a lot of those factors around us do become easier, but they do not go away entirely. In the time that I have been ttc a sibling for toddler C, all of his playmates now how younger siblings or siblings on the way. I still find myself surrounded mostly by fertiles who make naive comments. "Come on, jump on the pregnancy bandwagon!" "You must think we are crazy for have TWO little ones now." Really people? Ladies, if only you had any idea what so many people go through. At times I try to tactfully educate these people- but alas it ends up being seemingly lost on them and is a difficult task for me.
I've probably been overly emotional lately because of this pending move (leaving friends, the stress of moving etc). But I've cried quite a few times in recent weeks, more than I would care to. I am eternally grateful for my living son. Right now I need to focus my love and attention on him. This journey at times has also taken a toll on my marriage- the stress, the sadness, the expense. I am going to try my best to be at peace right now, be present, be open to possibilites, be grateful, and to love the people around me.
Thoughts, comments?
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Sono, bloodwork & relo
I had my sonohys.tiogram today- and thankful no returned polyps and no fibroids. My uterus is looking good. Whew! I had a whole bunch of blood drawn to go through a wider battery of tests in order to dig further for any possible underlying problems. I should have all of the results back in a couple of weeks. I hope they don't find anything. (Not that our losses or IF being "unexplained" is good either).
We just found out that we will in fact be moving out of State very soon- to a new city, where we really don't know anyone. The job opportunity for DH is great, and the location is good. The process of moving sucks as usual though, and now I will have to start over looking for new doctors. Ugh.
We aren't sure what next steps we will take yet, and the options are all difficult & expensive. Right now we are on hold due to the additional tests and now we are delayed due the move. Being on hold is a bit frustrating. Also recently we visited both of our families, and it would have been the time that we would have announced our pregnancy. This is a challenging time right now...Everything feels a little bitter sweet. Hanging on tight to the sweet parts & praying for the universe to conspire in our direction.
Happy to see more hard-fought pregnancies and rainbow babies out there. Sending good thoughts to all!
We just found out that we will in fact be moving out of State very soon- to a new city, where we really don't know anyone. The job opportunity for DH is great, and the location is good. The process of moving sucks as usual though, and now I will have to start over looking for new doctors. Ugh.
We aren't sure what next steps we will take yet, and the options are all difficult & expensive. Right now we are on hold due to the additional tests and now we are delayed due the move. Being on hold is a bit frustrating. Also recently we visited both of our families, and it would have been the time that we would have announced our pregnancy. This is a challenging time right now...Everything feels a little bitter sweet. Hanging on tight to the sweet parts & praying for the universe to conspire in our direction.
Happy to see more hard-fought pregnancies and rainbow babies out there. Sending good thoughts to all!
Friday, June 22, 2012
Post D&C
Thank you very much for the kind thoughts that were sent my way and the supportive comments about my miscarriage. I appreciate you blog friends so much! I was really nice to hear from and *meet* some new blogger friends too. Your words of comfort helped!
It's already been a month since our loss- the last 4 weeks feel like a blur. I've had so many emotions and thoughts swirling around within me. Although we knew we had a 30% chance of miscarriage, and things were not looking good for us- it was still such a huge disappointment and I did go through a few days of pretty heavy grieving. Even if you don't mean to, you just get your hopes up! Especially after seeing that heartbeat. Sigh.
I'm one month out and went in for bloodwork today and hopefully my hcg level is finally down. The next couple of months we are basically on hold as I will be waiting for AF, and doing some additional testing. With my now 2 losses (first & second trimester) my RE wants to dig further for any possible underlying issues. Time for another sonohystiogram to check for possible new hidden polyps, and another battery of bloodtests. My case is now being treated as RPL.. by definition it has been 3 consecutive losses, but apparently it's changing at many of the clinics to 2 miscarriages overall. My list of categories has grown: infertility, stillbirth, recurrent pregnancy loss.
Where we will go after the next couple of months remains to be seen. What we do know is that despite it all, we still have a lot of room in our hearts to love another baby and will continue our journey to bring another baby home. Which path we take is the question... we will be gathering information on further treatments and would like to become more educated about adoption. As much as I don't want to look at the option, I also have to keep an open mind that at some point soon, we may reach the point where we have tried as hard as we can within reason. For now, that one's on the back burner. In the meantime, I am looking at the bright side of a break from ttc- a couple of months without the 2 ww, the feeling of failure, the disappointment and grief from loss. And I have to gear up for whatever lies ahead.
Oh, to add to the uncertainty and struggle- I just turned another year older! I'm now 38. Also, there is a very high chance that we will be relocating out of state in the very near future.
I am not alone these days- I've read of many losses recently and my heart goes out to everyone. I am also incredibly happy for all the hard fought pregnancies that are moving along out there!
Hugs to everyone.
It's already been a month since our loss- the last 4 weeks feel like a blur. I've had so many emotions and thoughts swirling around within me. Although we knew we had a 30% chance of miscarriage, and things were not looking good for us- it was still such a huge disappointment and I did go through a few days of pretty heavy grieving. Even if you don't mean to, you just get your hopes up! Especially after seeing that heartbeat. Sigh.
I'm one month out and went in for bloodwork today and hopefully my hcg level is finally down. The next couple of months we are basically on hold as I will be waiting for AF, and doing some additional testing. With my now 2 losses (first & second trimester) my RE wants to dig further for any possible underlying issues. Time for another sonohystiogram to check for possible new hidden polyps, and another battery of bloodtests. My case is now being treated as RPL.. by definition it has been 3 consecutive losses, but apparently it's changing at many of the clinics to 2 miscarriages overall. My list of categories has grown: infertility, stillbirth, recurrent pregnancy loss.
Where we will go after the next couple of months remains to be seen. What we do know is that despite it all, we still have a lot of room in our hearts to love another baby and will continue our journey to bring another baby home. Which path we take is the question... we will be gathering information on further treatments and would like to become more educated about adoption. As much as I don't want to look at the option, I also have to keep an open mind that at some point soon, we may reach the point where we have tried as hard as we can within reason. For now, that one's on the back burner. In the meantime, I am looking at the bright side of a break from ttc- a couple of months without the 2 ww, the feeling of failure, the disappointment and grief from loss. And I have to gear up for whatever lies ahead.
Oh, to add to the uncertainty and struggle- I just turned another year older! I'm now 38. Also, there is a very high chance that we will be relocating out of state in the very near future.
I am not alone these days- I've read of many losses recently and my heart goes out to everyone. I am also incredibly happy for all the hard fought pregnancies that are moving along out there!
Hugs to everyone.
Friday, May 25, 2012
the dreaded news
We received the bad news this morning at our 8 week appointment... Our little baby's heartbeat is no longer there...
S/he had grown 4 more days since last Friday. At this stage in the first trimester and based on last week's appointment, I can't say I was shocked... but was holding out so much hope. We tried so hard- and we wanted and love that baby. It's been a long journey overall and we've already dealt with a major loss. We hadn't told anyone the news of our pregnancy yet. Going in for d & c tomorrow. We will be ok, I know that, but for right now my heart aches with sadness.
S/he had grown 4 more days since last Friday. At this stage in the first trimester and based on last week's appointment, I can't say I was shocked... but was holding out so much hope. We tried so hard- and we wanted and love that baby. It's been a long journey overall and we've already dealt with a major loss. We hadn't told anyone the news of our pregnancy yet. Going in for d & c tomorrow. We will be ok, I know that, but for right now my heart aches with sadness.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
going in for u/s & bloodwork Friday (not today)
I moved my next appointment back to it's originally scheduled time, this Friday (2 days away). When I found out about my crappy blood work results at my seven week appt. last Friday, I panicked and had my next appointment moved up to today (Wednesday). I am still nervous, but I have calmed down a bit and moved the back to when the doctor suggested. Initially I was thinking the sooner I know the status of this pregnancy (the bad news) the better. Then I decided that I need to focus my thoughts on that little heartbeat that I saw last Friday and visualize it being there. I'm praying that it's still going, yet I'm scared it's not. So for now, I guess I'd like to hang on to that hope and image for a couple more days before finding anything out.
No cramping or bleeding over the past several days..I've been wearing a liner in anticipation and checking throughout each day. I also can't help but analyze every little thing my body is feeling.. was that cramps? Or gas? No nausea (which I have felt strongly in my past 2 pregnancies). I have had some fatigue, although I'm always pretty tired anyway from running around all day and not enough sleep. My uterus does seem to be pushing out a bit, however progesterone supplements have fooled me in that regard in the past.
I made the mistake of googling about my low hormone levels and of course came across nothing but information pointing to and stories of miscarriage.It has been another long week of waiting. I am trying to keep as busy and distracted as possible. Fingers crossed for Friday that the appointment is good.
No cramping or bleeding over the past several days..I've been wearing a liner in anticipation and checking throughout each day. I also can't help but analyze every little thing my body is feeling.. was that cramps? Or gas? No nausea (which I have felt strongly in my past 2 pregnancies). I have had some fatigue, although I'm always pretty tired anyway from running around all day and not enough sleep. My uterus does seem to be pushing out a bit, however progesterone supplements have fooled me in that regard in the past.
I made the mistake of googling about my low hormone levels and of course came across nothing but information pointing to and stories of miscarriage.It has been another long week of waiting. I am trying to keep as busy and distracted as possible. Fingers crossed for Friday that the appointment is good.
Friday, May 18, 2012
7 week update- bloodwork concerns!
Ok, so that excitement was short lived. The nurse called to inform me that my bloodwork today is a concern. My progesterone dropped from 32 to a whopping low15 and estrogen from 690 to 197. FUGG! Also there's the issue with the possible little growth.
My appointment has been moved up from Friday to Wednesday. What a roller coaster. Hoping/praying hard!!
My appointment has been moved up from Friday to Wednesday. What a roller coaster. Hoping/praying hard!!
7 week ultrasound
We saw a heartbeat!!! Hooray! Of course it is still very early in this pregnancy (only seven weeks) but we are so happy to have seen that little heartbeat flickering away! We even got to hear it too. Thanks so much to those who sent positive thoughts my way.
Remind me if I go through this again to never go in for a first ultrasound before at least 6.5 weeks (even though 6 weeks is the protocol at my RE and plenty of people see heartbeats then). It is stressful not seeing a heartbeat and then waiting a week. This actually happened during my last pregnancy too (except that time after IVF and in the thick of grief it almost gave me a nervous breakdown, so they allowed me to come back after a few days). Anyhoo, I should have known better and just scheduled the first one a few days later.
Although the heartbeat was normal, the baby only measured at 6 weeks 2 days, which is only 2 days further along in growth than an entire week ago. UGH. I'd feel a lot better if the measurement were on track. I'm hoping it is off because it's difficult to measure precisely so early, plus the embryo was up against the uterine wall. My doctor did not seem concerned, but does want to watch closely and scheduled me to come in one week. I'm praying this pregnancy continues.
Has this happened to anyone out there this early on with the measurement being short by several days?? Good or bad, I would be interested to hear the outcome....
Remind me if I go through this again to never go in for a first ultrasound before at least 6.5 weeks (even though 6 weeks is the protocol at my RE and plenty of people see heartbeats then). It is stressful not seeing a heartbeat and then waiting a week. This actually happened during my last pregnancy too (except that time after IVF and in the thick of grief it almost gave me a nervous breakdown, so they allowed me to come back after a few days). Anyhoo, I should have known better and just scheduled the first one a few days later.
Although the heartbeat was normal, the baby only measured at 6 weeks 2 days, which is only 2 days further along in growth than an entire week ago. UGH. I'd feel a lot better if the measurement were on track. I'm hoping it is off because it's difficult to measure precisely so early, plus the embryo was up against the uterine wall. My doctor did not seem concerned, but does want to watch closely and scheduled me to come in one week. I'm praying this pregnancy continues.
Has this happened to anyone out there this early on with the measurement being short by several days?? Good or bad, I would be interested to hear the outcome....
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