First of all, I'm still here! Baby C just turned 4 months and all is well here. I am still on here mainly following blogs to offer support. I'm not ready to leave this community that helped me get through the toughest time of my life.
If you are reading this, please send out thoughts/prayers to Mo & Will from Life and Love In the Petri Dish. They have traveled a very long, difficult journey. If you go to their blog and glance at their journey so far timelime you will see that they have been through cancer, 7 IVFs and now their 6th miscarriage.
http://lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com/
My heart goes out to this couple. They have been through far too much. It just seems so unfair.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My rainbow baby
Like others in this blogosphere, I am finding myself at a crossroads with my blog. My rainbow baby, Baby C, is now 6 weeks old. It's been a few weeks since I've made an entry- partly because I haven't had the time.. but also because I am navigating my way into this new phase in my life and subsequently with my grief as well.
When I started this blog I felt so defeated. I had spent over a year ttc, underwent a surgical procedure, an IUI, and then my first son died at 21 weeks gestation. In an attempt to quickly come up with a title for the blog and came up with "not rated PG" because I was exactly that- not PG (pregnant). I was deeply hurting over the loss of my baby and was again struggling ttc.
This will not become a blog about Baby C. He is doing great and we are incredibly grateful to have him in our lives. This blog world for me will continue to be a place where I will offer support to others in their journeys and also process my thoughts and feelings about babyloss and infertility- which although may not define me, will always be a part of me.
Before my rainbow baby arrived, like many coping with babyloss and infertility, it was hard for me to read about successful pregnancies. Although I felt truly happy for those who have gone through similar struggles, I could not relate when reading about their rainbow babies when I was struggling to conceive, then in the thick of my grief, then going through fertility treatments, and then coping with the anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy.
When Baby S died, one thing that my obgyn said to me was that the grief would get easier over time- and when I would eventually bring home a (living) baby. Now that I finally have a baby in my arms, the hole in my hear is still there... however, it is no longer gaping. Despite the joy of having a newborn, I still have my moments of sorrow.
When I started this blog I felt so defeated. I had spent over a year ttc, underwent a surgical procedure, an IUI, and then my first son died at 21 weeks gestation. In an attempt to quickly come up with a title for the blog and came up with "not rated PG" because I was exactly that- not PG (pregnant). I was deeply hurting over the loss of my baby and was again struggling ttc.
This will not become a blog about Baby C. He is doing great and we are incredibly grateful to have him in our lives. This blog world for me will continue to be a place where I will offer support to others in their journeys and also process my thoughts and feelings about babyloss and infertility- which although may not define me, will always be a part of me.
Before my rainbow baby arrived, like many coping with babyloss and infertility, it was hard for me to read about successful pregnancies. Although I felt truly happy for those who have gone through similar struggles, I could not relate when reading about their rainbow babies when I was struggling to conceive, then in the thick of my grief, then going through fertility treatments, and then coping with the anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy.
When Baby S died, one thing that my obgyn said to me was that the grief would get easier over time- and when I would eventually bring home a (living) baby. Now that I finally have a baby in my arms, the hole in my hear is still there... however, it is no longer gaping. Despite the joy of having a newborn, I still have my moments of sorrow.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Weeks 1 & 2
Thank you for the wonderful congratulatory notes! We are incredibly happy that baby C is here!! It has been a busy and exciting 12 days with him. He is teaching us so much and we are enjoying loving him to bits.
I was happy to learn the great news of the other rainbow babies that arrived recently!!! Congratulations again to you.
Although I haven't had the free hands to type, I have been keeping up on my blog reading and continue to do so. Still following your journeys and sending lots of positive thoughts and vibes to everyone ttc, dealing with baby loss and having rainbow babies. You all are never far from my mind!
Finally, here is a photo of our precious son. He has been a very good baby- very snuggly and sweet.
Big hugs to all!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Hello from Happy Baby Land!!! :)
On Saturday, July 10th, 2010 at 9:59 a.m. we welcomed our beautiful baby boy into the world!!! He came in at a healthy 7 lbs 15 oz and is absolutely adorable.
I was hoping to post an update sooner, but it has been a whirlwind and I did not have access to a computer until now. I look forward to catching up with my blog friends and hope things are going well with everyone.
DH, our son and I could not be happier. :) The wee one is snuggled up on my chest right at this moment as I type while reclined in the hospital bed. We are so in love with the little guy and so grateful to have arrived here.
I plan to write more about our experience over the past several days once I get home. Long story short... It was a very prolonged, unsuccessful induced labor which involved a couple of stressful episodes for the baby. After 25 hrs of active labor I finally ended up having a c-section. Definitely not the quickest or easiest birth experience, but all that matters is he arrived safely- and that is all that we have cared about throughout our journey.
Big Hugs to everyone! Will update again soon. In the meantime, I will be catching up on your blogs.
I was hoping to post an update sooner, but it has been a whirlwind and I did not have access to a computer until now. I look forward to catching up with my blog friends and hope things are going well with everyone.
DH, our son and I could not be happier. :) The wee one is snuggled up on my chest right at this moment as I type while reclined in the hospital bed. We are so in love with the little guy and so grateful to have arrived here.
I plan to write more about our experience over the past several days once I get home. Long story short... It was a very prolonged, unsuccessful induced labor which involved a couple of stressful episodes for the baby. After 25 hrs of active labor I finally ended up having a c-section. Definitely not the quickest or easiest birth experience, but all that matters is he arrived safely- and that is all that we have cared about throughout our journey.
Big Hugs to everyone! Will update again soon. In the meantime, I will be catching up on your blogs.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Tomorrow is the day!
Looks like we will be meeting our little on at some point tomorrow (Friday)!
Our due date was on Saturday, the 3rd. Early Sunday morning I started having frequent, consistent early labor contractions and have been experiencing them ever since. I've had 2 cervical exams in the meantime and am only dilated about one to two centimeters at this point. During our last appointment we decided with our doc to proceed with an induction tomorrow. At that point I will be nearly one week late and we are sooooo ready. It's been a long and uncomfortable week.
I'm excited to meet the baby and little bit nervous about the labor/delivery. I just keep reminding myself that we can do this! And what a blessing we will receive at the end of it all.
Sending lots of positive thoughts to each of you!!
I will update with more news as soon as possible.
Our due date was on Saturday, the 3rd. Early Sunday morning I started having frequent, consistent early labor contractions and have been experiencing them ever since. I've had 2 cervical exams in the meantime and am only dilated about one to two centimeters at this point. During our last appointment we decided with our doc to proceed with an induction tomorrow. At that point I will be nearly one week late and we are sooooo ready. It's been a long and uncomfortable week.
I'm excited to meet the baby and little bit nervous about the labor/delivery. I just keep reminding myself that we can do this! And what a blessing we will receive at the end of it all.
Sending lots of positive thoughts to each of you!!
I will update with more news as soon as possible.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Nothing to report- yet!
Today is my due date! It is hard for me to even believe it. However, nothing happening yet... Just *trying* to be patient-- since I guess the baby will come when he's ready.
Thinking of everyone and wishing you all a safe and happy 4th of July!
Hopefully I will have some good news to update soon- and I look forward to yours too. :)
Thinking of everyone and wishing you all a safe and happy 4th of July!
Hopefully I will have some good news to update soon- and I look forward to yours too. :)
Friday, June 18, 2010
In 15 days
In 15 days, it will be my due date. I sometimes think of my journey to parenthood as running a marathon. I am by no means a runner and have never attempted a marathon or other lengthy run. But I imagine it to be tough challenge- grueling and painful at times- yet one achieves a sense of euphoria at the end. Although I feel present and bonded with this baby, it is hard for me to believe that in just a couple of weeks I will be holding my precious LIVE baby boy. Most parents probably feel this way to a degree. However, I have been a bit guarded throughout the past nine months. The loss of my first son was so unexpected and difficult for me, that there is a small part of me that has been in protective mode. I am confident that everything will continue to go well, but am somewhat prepared for anything. For the past four months (once I got past our previous loss point) I have been able to enjoy this pregnancy, however not a day has gone by that I have not woken up and asked myself "did I feel the baby move last night?"... In other words, "Is my baby still alive?"
Now, as my due date approaches, I feel like I have come so far. DH and I are so excited to meet our little one. Yet a small surge of anxiety has been creeping up on me every once and a while as of late. I can not help but think of the babyloss mamas who I've met who lost their little ones at full term. There was never a reason determined for our loss. One of our doctors told us "if you have to blame something, blame the placenta".. indicating the possibility that somehow the placenta had failed to provide enough nutrients and oxygen to sustain our helpless little boy's life.
So it is at this point that I feel very excited, a tiny bit fearful of the worst, but most of all READY. This journey for me began over three years ago and has involved one dead baby, multiple failed IUIs, and an IVF. The comments I've been receiving from people around me lately amuse me. "Enjoy this quiet time while you can!" "Enjoy sleep while you are able to!" The thing is, I am so ready to bring home a baby that I could care less about sleep deprivation, etc. (Watch I say that now and will be eating my words soon! ;) But I can only imagine that for all of us who have endured these difficult journeys, that hopefully the joy of bringing home our live babies will make the challenges of parenting somehow seem less difficult.
Now, as my due date approaches, I feel like I have come so far. DH and I are so excited to meet our little one. Yet a small surge of anxiety has been creeping up on me every once and a while as of late. I can not help but think of the babyloss mamas who I've met who lost their little ones at full term. There was never a reason determined for our loss. One of our doctors told us "if you have to blame something, blame the placenta".. indicating the possibility that somehow the placenta had failed to provide enough nutrients and oxygen to sustain our helpless little boy's life.
So it is at this point that I feel very excited, a tiny bit fearful of the worst, but most of all READY. This journey for me began over three years ago and has involved one dead baby, multiple failed IUIs, and an IVF. The comments I've been receiving from people around me lately amuse me. "Enjoy this quiet time while you can!" "Enjoy sleep while you are able to!" The thing is, I am so ready to bring home a baby that I could care less about sleep deprivation, etc. (Watch I say that now and will be eating my words soon! ;) But I can only imagine that for all of us who have endured these difficult journeys, that hopefully the joy of bringing home our live babies will make the challenges of parenting somehow seem less difficult.
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