In 15 days, it will be my due date. I sometimes think of my journey to parenthood as running a marathon. I am by no means a runner and have never attempted a marathon or other lengthy run. But I imagine it to be tough challenge- grueling and painful at times- yet one achieves a sense of euphoria at the end. Although I feel present and bonded with this baby, it is hard for me to believe that in just a couple of weeks I will be holding my precious LIVE baby boy. Most parents probably feel this way to a degree. However, I have been a bit guarded throughout the past nine months. The loss of my first son was so unexpected and difficult for me, that there is a small part of me that has been in protective mode. I am confident that everything will continue to go well, but am somewhat prepared for anything. For the past four months (once I got past our previous loss point) I have been able to enjoy this pregnancy, however not a day has gone by that I have not woken up and asked myself "did I feel the baby move last night?"... In other words, "Is my baby still alive?"
Now, as my due date approaches, I feel like I have come so far. DH and I are so excited to meet our little one. Yet a small surge of anxiety has been creeping up on me every once and a while as of late. I can not help but think of the babyloss mamas who I've met who lost their little ones at full term. There was never a reason determined for our loss. One of our doctors told us "if you have to blame something, blame the placenta".. indicating the possibility that somehow the placenta had failed to provide enough nutrients and oxygen to sustain our helpless little boy's life.
So it is at this point that I feel very excited, a tiny bit fearful of the worst, but most of all READY. This journey for me began over three years ago and has involved one dead baby, multiple failed IUIs, and an IVF. The comments I've been receiving from people around me lately amuse me. "Enjoy this quiet time while you can!" "Enjoy sleep while you are able to!" The thing is, I am so ready to bring home a baby that I could care less about sleep deprivation, etc. (Watch I say that now and will be eating my words soon! ;) But I can only imagine that for all of us who have endured these difficult journeys, that hopefully the joy of bringing home our live babies will make the challenges of parenting somehow seem less difficult.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Thirty Six
The number 36 is the theme for me this week... I'm 36 weeks pregnant- and my 36th birthday is this week. Wow- on both accounts.
Sending hugs and wishing for all good things to everyone on their journeys!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Head's Up
Tomorrow I will be 34 weeks (yay! getting closer- 6 weeks till my due date!). However, yesterday's ultrasound confirmed that the baby is still breech. I figured this was going to be the case as the baby's movements and positioning of his head (which I can feel on my upper left side) have indicated. It was seeming like it had been quite some time that the baby has been upright. My husband asked the doctor when our last bi-weekly u/s showed the baby head down- and it turns out he's been sitting up in basically the same spot since week 21! So apparently I have a baby who is quite comfy right where he is- or maybe he is stubborn like his dad. ;)
According to my doc, most babies start turning head down by week 34 or 35. At this point roughly 25% of babies are breech, but then the percentage drops to about 3-4% still breech by full-term. Not sure what this will mean for us, but I am stepping up the things that I can do to try to influence the bambino to stand on his head... pelvic tilts, swimming, back to acupuncture, etc. If he doesn't flip in the next few weeks my doc could perform a version. I am not keen about the idea of manipulating the baby and possibly putting him at risk of distress, plus the success rate is only around 50/50. So we'll see what happens in the coming weeks. The last resort will be a scheduled c-section about a week prior to my due date. I'm not stressed at this point, just doing what I can and waiting to see what happens.
Hope everyone out there is doing well! Sending positive thoughts to everyone ttc, grieving babyloss, coping with subsequent pregnancy, etc.
According to my doc, most babies start turning head down by week 34 or 35. At this point roughly 25% of babies are breech, but then the percentage drops to about 3-4% still breech by full-term. Not sure what this will mean for us, but I am stepping up the things that I can do to try to influence the bambino to stand on his head... pelvic tilts, swimming, back to acupuncture, etc. If he doesn't flip in the next few weeks my doc could perform a version. I am not keen about the idea of manipulating the baby and possibly putting him at risk of distress, plus the success rate is only around 50/50. So we'll see what happens in the coming weeks. The last resort will be a scheduled c-section about a week prior to my due date. I'm not stressed at this point, just doing what I can and waiting to see what happens.
Hope everyone out there is doing well! Sending positive thoughts to everyone ttc, grieving babyloss, coping with subsequent pregnancy, etc.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
Yesterday, the eve of Mother's Day, I thought a lot about my Mom and how amazing she is. I also thought a lot about the sweet baby boy that I am so grateful to be carrying.
Today is Mother's Day and my thoughts are with all of the Mamas who have lost babies and the ones who are trying to conceive. On this day I honor all moms, most especially those who have babies who are not here on earth.
Wishing everyone a peace-filled Mother's Day!
Today is Mother's Day and my thoughts are with all of the Mamas who have lost babies and the ones who are trying to conceive. On this day I honor all moms, most especially those who have babies who are not here on earth.
Wishing everyone a peace-filled Mother's Day!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Eight and a half weeks to go!
Only eight and a half weeks to go until our due date- I can not even believe it. It seems surreal, but we are very excited!
It has been a few weeks since my last update, so here's the latest...
I've had only had two doc appointments in the last 2 months. This was a change considering until now we've had bi-weekly ultrasounds. Although I missed being able to peek at the baby more frequently, it felt good to be on a schedule similar to a *normal* pregnancy. At 28 weeks, I started kick-charting at the same time each evening (for peace of mind). The little one has been moving around like crazy! Most days when I touch my belly I can feel a part of the baby and have been trying to figure out which body part I am touching. At my doc appointment this week, I learned that what I have been thinking is a head, back or butt is in fact the baby's head. I could see on the screen that baby's face has been filling out in the cheeks :) . He's 3.5 lbs now and at this point is expected to be around 7.5 by full-term. Baby is still breech, but will hopefully turn head down within the next month. I will have an ultrasound in 4 weeks to check the position.
Recently I was thrown a lovely, intimate baby shower. When the topic of a shower first came up a few months back, I dreaded the idea. For one, I am not a person who likes attention. Also, all I care about is bringing home a live baby. Nothing else matters to me. Expecting parents seem to often get carried away with all of the baby "stuff", so I wasn't embracing the whole shower idea. But- when I was ready, I decided it is important that I celebrate this little one with a small group of people who are close to me.
Lately I have spoken with a few other pregnant ladies outside of the blog world who are due around the same time that I am. It is interesting how typical it is to hear complaints about the discomfort of pregnancy and how "so over it" some people are. It is apparent that these women are likely not babyloss mamas or women who struggled with infertility. Of course everyone is entitled to and needs to vent/complain a bit. However, I've noticed that everyone I've met in the blogosphere seems to possess a much greater appreciation for simply being pregnant and has a deep understanding that the sacrifices pale in comparison to the gift of carrying a baby. I want to say to some of these people "seriously, things could be more difficult." But instead I quietly observe.
When I look in the mirror these days I can see that my face is looking more and more content. I can feel my heart getting fuller too. Yet there is that part of me that is always missing Baby S. He should be with us as we get closer to meeting this little one. It kills me each time a stranger asks "is this your first [baby]?" And I feel obliged to say yes. Baby S you are always our first child! We miss you and we love you, Baby S. Perhaps as my heart continues to become fuller, that hole in it will begin to feel less sad.. and more like something that is simply at part of me.
It has been a few weeks since my last update, so here's the latest...
I've had only had two doc appointments in the last 2 months. This was a change considering until now we've had bi-weekly ultrasounds. Although I missed being able to peek at the baby more frequently, it felt good to be on a schedule similar to a *normal* pregnancy. At 28 weeks, I started kick-charting at the same time each evening (for peace of mind). The little one has been moving around like crazy! Most days when I touch my belly I can feel a part of the baby and have been trying to figure out which body part I am touching. At my doc appointment this week, I learned that what I have been thinking is a head, back or butt is in fact the baby's head. I could see on the screen that baby's face has been filling out in the cheeks :) . He's 3.5 lbs now and at this point is expected to be around 7.5 by full-term. Baby is still breech, but will hopefully turn head down within the next month. I will have an ultrasound in 4 weeks to check the position.
Recently I was thrown a lovely, intimate baby shower. When the topic of a shower first came up a few months back, I dreaded the idea. For one, I am not a person who likes attention. Also, all I care about is bringing home a live baby. Nothing else matters to me. Expecting parents seem to often get carried away with all of the baby "stuff", so I wasn't embracing the whole shower idea. But- when I was ready, I decided it is important that I celebrate this little one with a small group of people who are close to me.
Lately I have spoken with a few other pregnant ladies outside of the blog world who are due around the same time that I am. It is interesting how typical it is to hear complaints about the discomfort of pregnancy and how "so over it" some people are. It is apparent that these women are likely not babyloss mamas or women who struggled with infertility. Of course everyone is entitled to and needs to vent/complain a bit. However, I've noticed that everyone I've met in the blogosphere seems to possess a much greater appreciation for simply being pregnant and has a deep understanding that the sacrifices pale in comparison to the gift of carrying a baby. I want to say to some of these people "seriously, things could be more difficult." But instead I quietly observe.
When I look in the mirror these days I can see that my face is looking more and more content. I can feel my heart getting fuller too. Yet there is that part of me that is always missing Baby S. He should be with us as we get closer to meeting this little one. It kills me each time a stranger asks "is this your first [baby]?" And I feel obliged to say yes. Baby S you are always our first child! We miss you and we love you, Baby S. Perhaps as my heart continues to become fuller, that hole in it will begin to feel less sad.. and more like something that is simply at part of me.
Friday, April 16, 2010
The things people say
We've all heard comments about baby loss and infertility that sometimes sting us, right?
One of the many things that has been strange for me with this pregnancy is that EVERYONE (besides my wonderful obgyn) talks to me as though this is my first pregnancy. It's as though becoming pregnant with baby number two simply erased the existence of my first son, Baby S.
Throughout the second trimester, which I just completed, people who know of my loss would often give me a "heads-up" as to what to expect week by week. Apparently they erased from their minds that I carried Baby S 2/3rds of the way through the second trimester- so I knew the symptoms, the appointments to expect, etc.
The comments from people are sometimes strange to me. It is awkward navigating how to respond...
Them: You've made it past the first trimester, no worries now! My thought: Really? I lost my son at 21 weeks- and know people who have lost babies as far as full term.
Them: Are you enjoying pregnancy? Me: It took me getting past the 5 1/2 month mark, but now I am enjoying it as much as possible. Them: Oh, I know the morning sickness- it's the worst.
Them: This pregnancy thing is SO HARD (first-timer, instantly pregnant, no problems). My thought: Um, yeah. ??
Them: I am so glad my child will finally have a cousin! My thought: They ALREADY DO have a cousin: MY CHILD- YOUR NEPHEW- WHO DIED!!
Even though I'm sure some people haven't forgotten our loss, I'm pretty sure the outside world sees a rainbow baby as erasing the baby who was lost. In addition, although most people do not know the lengths that we went through to get pregnant both times, they do know that it was difficult for us both times. Yet still friends around me constantly talk about getting pregnant as though it's something that is accomplished on-demand, exactly when and how one wishes. "We are going to conceive this summer." "We plan to have 3 kids, each 2 years apart." etc. Most of my friends have been very lucky in the fertility/pregnancy department, but clearly do not think that infertility is something that could possibly affect them.
The strange- at times painful- comments have been plenty over the past fifteen months. But I do want to end this post on a positive note and hang on to the comments from a few friends who somehow knew exactly what to say. I will never forget their words which comforted me.
After our loss, my dear friend Stacey said: "I want you to know that I loved your baby too." She is the only person who expressed love/care for our child.
My friend Amy called me explaining that her heart was breaking for me and she began crying on the phone. She is the only person (besides dh) who cried along with me.
When I shared the news of my current pregnancy with my friend Jessica she expressed her happiness for us, and also said "I'm sure it must be bittersweet." She is the only person who has acknowledged that we must miss Baby S.
One of the many things that has been strange for me with this pregnancy is that EVERYONE (besides my wonderful obgyn) talks to me as though this is my first pregnancy. It's as though becoming pregnant with baby number two simply erased the existence of my first son, Baby S.
Throughout the second trimester, which I just completed, people who know of my loss would often give me a "heads-up" as to what to expect week by week. Apparently they erased from their minds that I carried Baby S 2/3rds of the way through the second trimester- so I knew the symptoms, the appointments to expect, etc.
The comments from people are sometimes strange to me. It is awkward navigating how to respond...
Them: You've made it past the first trimester, no worries now! My thought: Really? I lost my son at 21 weeks- and know people who have lost babies as far as full term.
Them: Are you enjoying pregnancy? Me: It took me getting past the 5 1/2 month mark, but now I am enjoying it as much as possible. Them: Oh, I know the morning sickness- it's the worst.
Them: This pregnancy thing is SO HARD (first-timer, instantly pregnant, no problems). My thought: Um, yeah. ??
Them: I am so glad my child will finally have a cousin! My thought: They ALREADY DO have a cousin: MY CHILD- YOUR NEPHEW- WHO DIED!!
Even though I'm sure some people haven't forgotten our loss, I'm pretty sure the outside world sees a rainbow baby as erasing the baby who was lost. In addition, although most people do not know the lengths that we went through to get pregnant both times, they do know that it was difficult for us both times. Yet still friends around me constantly talk about getting pregnant as though it's something that is accomplished on-demand, exactly when and how one wishes. "We are going to conceive this summer." "We plan to have 3 kids, each 2 years apart." etc. Most of my friends have been very lucky in the fertility/pregnancy department, but clearly do not think that infertility is something that could possibly affect them.
The strange- at times painful- comments have been plenty over the past fifteen months. But I do want to end this post on a positive note and hang on to the comments from a few friends who somehow knew exactly what to say. I will never forget their words which comforted me.
After our loss, my dear friend Stacey said: "I want you to know that I loved your baby too." She is the only person who expressed love/care for our child.
My friend Amy called me explaining that her heart was breaking for me and she began crying on the phone. She is the only person (besides dh) who cried along with me.
When I shared the news of my current pregnancy with my friend Jessica she expressed her happiness for us, and also said "I'm sure it must be bittersweet." She is the only person who has acknowledged that we must miss Baby S.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Joy and pain
This topic is one that is long overdue for me to write about. There is a certain aspect of infertility and babyloss that has changed me in a way that I am not proud of and it is something that I struggle to get past.. The pain that sometimes accompanies the joy of other people's seemingly easy pregnancy success.
This isn't to say that I am not happy for the vast majority of people out there who do not encounter fertility/pregnancy-related issues. I can honestly say I am truly happy for them to be spared any difficulties. However, there are instances when such situations sting.
I encounter this conflicted joy/pain emotion on a fairly regular basis within my own family. You see, while in the midst of me unsuccessfully trying to conceive, both my sister-in-law (by the way, not at all a nice person) and my own sister became instantly pregnant at nearly the exact same time. I love their babies dearly, yet at times the joy of both families serve as a constant reminder of what- or I should say who- isn't here.. my Baby S.
It was somewhat disheartening at the time to learn of both pregnancy news (especially since my sister-in-law constantly mentioned that it was only their second attempt- plus they weren't even married). It was soon thereafter that I began infertility treatments, as planned, and I became pregnant with Baby S. He would have been 5 months younger than both of his cousins. From the moment the two became pregnant and in the year in and half since then all I have heard about on both sides of our families is about these two babies... the constant news/updates, photos, incessant gushing. I know all of their behavior is normal and would not expect them not to be joyous over their children. However, every milestone for them- first holidays, birthdays, etc.- would have been a first for my son too. So although these events do make me smile, they also bring with them some sadness for me. And again there is the added sadness that no one else in the room is missing my baby in those moments.
I realize this all sounds completely selfish. The only reason I even feel comfortable finally writing about this is because I have read about similar emotions on several other babyloss and infertility blogs. Otherwise, I would be too ashamed to admit that I ever feel this way. It does not feel good, and it's something I am continuously trying to change- and I do think I am gradually getting better about it.
This isn't to say that I am not happy for the vast majority of people out there who do not encounter fertility/pregnancy-related issues. I can honestly say I am truly happy for them to be spared any difficulties. However, there are instances when such situations sting.
I encounter this conflicted joy/pain emotion on a fairly regular basis within my own family. You see, while in the midst of me unsuccessfully trying to conceive, both my sister-in-law (by the way, not at all a nice person) and my own sister became instantly pregnant at nearly the exact same time. I love their babies dearly, yet at times the joy of both families serve as a constant reminder of what- or I should say who- isn't here.. my Baby S.
It was somewhat disheartening at the time to learn of both pregnancy news (especially since my sister-in-law constantly mentioned that it was only their second attempt- plus they weren't even married). It was soon thereafter that I began infertility treatments, as planned, and I became pregnant with Baby S. He would have been 5 months younger than both of his cousins. From the moment the two became pregnant and in the year in and half since then all I have heard about on both sides of our families is about these two babies... the constant news/updates, photos, incessant gushing. I know all of their behavior is normal and would not expect them not to be joyous over their children. However, every milestone for them- first holidays, birthdays, etc.- would have been a first for my son too. So although these events do make me smile, they also bring with them some sadness for me. And again there is the added sadness that no one else in the room is missing my baby in those moments.
I realize this all sounds completely selfish. The only reason I even feel comfortable finally writing about this is because I have read about similar emotions on several other babyloss and infertility blogs. Otherwise, I would be too ashamed to admit that I ever feel this way. It does not feel good, and it's something I am continuously trying to change- and I do think I am gradually getting better about it.
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