In my last post 2 months ago I recapped that after 6 months ttc and hoping that we would miraculously become pregnant on our own, I had a consultation with an RE that left me wanting a second opinion. The RE that performed our successful IVF with Baby C has moved out of State (we went to her after relocating 1 hour from our first RE) and DH & I don't mesh with this newer one's personality or approach. Therefore we are going back to our very first RE, whom we like and who did our very first IUI which resulted in Baby S (our son who very sadly we eventually lost at 21 weeks for unexplained reasons), even though she is an hour away.
I am partly through getting the 2nd opinion. Seeing our original RE was like a breath of fresh air. I was dreading going back to an RE office in general. And although I am by no means excited to be there, it is nice to see someone who we trust. We sat down and she thoroughly reviewed my history, including a long discussion about everything that has transpired over the past few years since we last saw her. She asked lots of questions, gave me the opportunity to ask plenty of questions, took notes, gave in-depth answers in a way I could understand... So different than the recent RE who basically took a mere few minutes to review my file and talked at me, not with me.
She did an vaginal ultrasound to examine my uterus and ovaries. My uterus is looking good- which is a relief, considering the polyp issue in the past and the fact that they can grow back. She didn't even feel it was necessary for me to have another sonohysterogram to check for polyps- which is good... one less step and also a money saver. She counted my andral follicles- and low and behold I still have a fairly good count. Afterall, my infertility has been categorized as "unexplained." I still need to have a blood draw to check my FSH, which in the past was in the ok/fair range.. although I am now 37.5 years old, so it has likely gone up. I was supposed to have my blood drawn on Day 3 last month, but was out of town. Since evil AF is here again this month, I will do the blood draw early this week. Also, we will do another semen analysis soon since at this point it has been a couple of years or more.
Thank you for any positive thoughts and support. This is the only place for me where people get it. I am sending positive thoughts to my blog friends at their various junctures in their journeys!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
NOT a good RE appt
So I visited the RE two weeks ago to assess my current status and get a recommendation on how to proceed with trying to get pregnant. Overall, his evaluation was not good. I was not surprised really, given that he stated some of my concerns before I had the chance to bring them up... that although my IVF resulted in our son, the results/numbers of the overall process were not ideal... ie. 12 eggs retrieved, 7 fertilized, 3 embryos grew & were transferred. Also I am now one year older- 37. He stated right off the bat, before any discussion, that his recommendation was IVF w/ICSI.
The purpose of my visit was to collect information, and that I did. However, the appointment left me wanting to meet with another RE- primarily because I have yet to click with this particular RE and his style. This RE is the one that I inherited when my previous RE abruptly left her job and moved out of state right when I got pregnant with Baby C. After learning I was pregnant, I had my first and second ultrasound appointments with him and wasn't crazy about him then... Although not entirely his fault since he suddenly inherited me as a patient, he was unfamiliar with my history (hadn't even reviewed my file) and I didn't click with his interpersonal style at that time either.
The RE began this visit stating he had taken "a couple of minutes" prior to my appointment to review my file. I understand that IVF w/ICSI would yield the highest success rate for me. However, I don't feel that I had the chance to review/discuss my history and ask some important questions... For example, although my IVF #s weren't great, at the time my RE wanted to try a few more rounds of IUI- it was DH&I who chose to move to IVF. In other words, a little over a year ago the RE that I had believed we had a chance with more IUIs. Also at the appointment the other day, FSH etc was not addressed- just that I have done IVF and am 37. One main question for me is whether trying medicated IUI(s) would be worth a shot. If IVF is the way to go, so be it. But I'd just like to know that all info was considered and all questions were answered. At least thoroughly review my file please. Not so much to ask when they are charging the big bucks for their services, right!?! ;)
It's quite possible that a second opinion will yield the same results, and I wouldn't be surprised. Doing IUI after IVF might not make the most sense.. But DH & I would prefer to take that route if there is any hope. From my perspective as a patient and from my experience, it's a much less costly and less intense route. And for various reasons I'm not sure we would pursue IVF again. We all know how important it is to like your doctor though , and this particular RE- despite probably being effective at his job- is not the one for me. Therefore, I am going to see my original RE who is an hour away- but in the same practice as the guy that I saw the other day. The only reason why I didn't go back to her (RE#1) after losing baby S is that we have had moved to another town and she recommended RE #2. Still following? It's starting to confuse me too. :)But what I do know is that I click with her and she will be open for discussion.
Anyway, I'm still digesting the information I received. Please wish me luck with my appointment this Wednesday... I feel like I need it!! Thanks.
The purpose of my visit was to collect information, and that I did. However, the appointment left me wanting to meet with another RE- primarily because I have yet to click with this particular RE and his style. This RE is the one that I inherited when my previous RE abruptly left her job and moved out of state right when I got pregnant with Baby C. After learning I was pregnant, I had my first and second ultrasound appointments with him and wasn't crazy about him then... Although not entirely his fault since he suddenly inherited me as a patient, he was unfamiliar with my history (hadn't even reviewed my file) and I didn't click with his interpersonal style at that time either.
The RE began this visit stating he had taken "a couple of minutes" prior to my appointment to review my file. I understand that IVF w/ICSI would yield the highest success rate for me. However, I don't feel that I had the chance to review/discuss my history and ask some important questions... For example, although my IVF #s weren't great, at the time my RE wanted to try a few more rounds of IUI- it was DH&I who chose to move to IVF. In other words, a little over a year ago the RE that I had believed we had a chance with more IUIs. Also at the appointment the other day, FSH etc was not addressed- just that I have done IVF and am 37. One main question for me is whether trying medicated IUI(s) would be worth a shot. If IVF is the way to go, so be it. But I'd just like to know that all info was considered and all questions were answered. At least thoroughly review my file please. Not so much to ask when they are charging the big bucks for their services, right!?! ;)
It's quite possible that a second opinion will yield the same results, and I wouldn't be surprised. Doing IUI after IVF might not make the most sense.. But DH & I would prefer to take that route if there is any hope. From my perspective as a patient and from my experience, it's a much less costly and less intense route. And for various reasons I'm not sure we would pursue IVF again. We all know how important it is to like your doctor though , and this particular RE- despite probably being effective at his job- is not the one for me. Therefore, I am going to see my original RE who is an hour away- but in the same practice as the guy that I saw the other day. The only reason why I didn't go back to her (RE#1) after losing baby S is that we have had moved to another town and she recommended RE #2. Still following? It's starting to confuse me too. :)But what I do know is that I click with her and she will be open for discussion.
Anyway, I'm still digesting the information I received. Please wish me luck with my appointment this Wednesday... I feel like I need it!! Thanks.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Here I am- TTC Again
Hi, blog friends! I'm still out here following my blog peeps-- but I have let WAY too much time pass without posting. So it's time for a brief update from me on my rainbow baby, baby loss grief, and finally..I am trying (unsuccessfully so far) to conceive again.
First off, Baby C is doing awesome. He is happy, healthy guy who is about to turn ONE! Just like everyone says, the time flies. I have enjoyed every moment with him and am incredibly grateful each day for him.
On the baby loss front, the grief does creep up on me at times... but much less frequently than it used to. Not a day goes by that I do not think of Baby S- he is with me always. For a while I felt like I was seeing baby boys everywhere I looked who would be the same age as my Baby S- and that really tugs at my heartstrings. Having a baby in my arms certainly helps with the grief, and perhaps as time continues to move forward from our loss. However, I have had a few days where my heart is just plain heavy in grief over Baby S. But overall, I try and am able maintain a pretty decent balance.
So I am happy to have a healthy baby and am managing my grief... but I'm TTC again, which I suppose is the main thing driving me to get blogging again. Now here is the update on that...DH and I decided that as soon as we were ready and able to, we wanted to start TTC again. In January, I had just stopped nursing and was feeling relatively good physically. At that time, our journey to start a family began 3.5 years earlier and I was 36.5 years old (now 37). So we figured if we are going to try and we feel up for it- let's do it.
Despite having dealt with unexplained infertility previously and my 2 pregnancies were the result of IUI and IVF... A big part of me hoped that this time would be different. That somehow just like I experienced an unexplained "fluke" that took my baby, and unexplained infertility... I was holding out hope that I would have an unexplained happy suprise once I started trying. Well, that didn't happen. So here I am. I definitely feel less stressed this go around, probably because I am blessed with one living child. Also, I'm not sure if I am up for the battle. Anyway, I decided to make an appointment with the RE just to touch base, evaluate the status, find out my current FSH level etc.
I'm not sure where my journey will go at this point. One thing that I have learned from this blog community is when you want a baby, you want a baby. That's not a question for me. Until now, I have avoided thinking about what I would be willing to go through to get there.
I'd love to hear from you all. I'm glad that two years in to this community, I am reading many success stories and stories filled with hope of those I have been following. There are still a couple of friends who I can't wrap my brain around how they have been put through so much. Needless to say, I appreciate this community and look forward to our continued support of one another.
First off, Baby C is doing awesome. He is happy, healthy guy who is about to turn ONE! Just like everyone says, the time flies. I have enjoyed every moment with him and am incredibly grateful each day for him.
On the baby loss front, the grief does creep up on me at times... but much less frequently than it used to. Not a day goes by that I do not think of Baby S- he is with me always. For a while I felt like I was seeing baby boys everywhere I looked who would be the same age as my Baby S- and that really tugs at my heartstrings. Having a baby in my arms certainly helps with the grief, and perhaps as time continues to move forward from our loss. However, I have had a few days where my heart is just plain heavy in grief over Baby S. But overall, I try and am able maintain a pretty decent balance.
So I am happy to have a healthy baby and am managing my grief... but I'm TTC again, which I suppose is the main thing driving me to get blogging again. Now here is the update on that...DH and I decided that as soon as we were ready and able to, we wanted to start TTC again. In January, I had just stopped nursing and was feeling relatively good physically. At that time, our journey to start a family began 3.5 years earlier and I was 36.5 years old (now 37). So we figured if we are going to try and we feel up for it- let's do it.
Despite having dealt with unexplained infertility previously and my 2 pregnancies were the result of IUI and IVF... A big part of me hoped that this time would be different. That somehow just like I experienced an unexplained "fluke" that took my baby, and unexplained infertility... I was holding out hope that I would have an unexplained happy suprise once I started trying. Well, that didn't happen. So here I am. I definitely feel less stressed this go around, probably because I am blessed with one living child. Also, I'm not sure if I am up for the battle. Anyway, I decided to make an appointment with the RE just to touch base, evaluate the status, find out my current FSH level etc.
I'm not sure where my journey will go at this point. One thing that I have learned from this blog community is when you want a baby, you want a baby. That's not a question for me. Until now, I have avoided thinking about what I would be willing to go through to get there.
I'd love to hear from you all. I'm glad that two years in to this community, I am reading many success stories and stories filled with hope of those I have been following. There are still a couple of friends who I can't wrap my brain around how they have been put through so much. Needless to say, I appreciate this community and look forward to our continued support of one another.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Just Checking In!
Although I have blogged very little over the past seven months since Baby C arrived, I have continued to hop on here to offer support to others dealing with babyloss or who are struggling with infertility regularly. I think of my blog friends often, keep everyone's journeys in my thoughts and prayers, and celebrate others' progress.
The main reason for not writing much, I suppose, is my wanting to stay present during this precious time with my rainbow baby C. You see, my blog started when I was in the depths of grief, then stuggling after babyloss with infertility, and continued through my second pregnancy. Often when I wrote I was processing grief, fear, and anxiety. I will probably always carry grief and deal with many difficult emotions on regular basis. However, I am in a new place now with the arrival of my rainbow baby. And that big part of my life is not what this blog is going to become all about.
This blog has been the place where I am free to remember my first son Baby S openly and freely among people who understand. And I still need to check in and visit this community. These days when I miss Baby S I find myself in a delicate place where I am constantly finding myself challenged: trying to balance remembering my first son without the sadness/self-pity/anger at the same time. I struggle with that balance often. So I feel somewhat conflicted at times. I truly feel blessed and have so much gratitude for where I am right now. It's just that sometimes I have to reel myself back in from spiraling into sadness and pity and bring my focus back to acceptance.
My rainbow baby, Baby C, is doing great. :) He is a happy, healthy 7 month old. He is smiley and a giggler, and very much a busy boy. I could not count the number of times that I have thanked him and thanked the universe that he is here. I am sure I would feel incredibly grateful had this been an easy journey getting here.. but having faced the difficulties that we did I feel like I am bursting with gratitude sometimes. He is truly amazing. To borrow a line from Em.ma's Daddy, I feel like "the luckiest, unluckiest person in the world."
The main reason for not writing much, I suppose, is my wanting to stay present during this precious time with my rainbow baby C. You see, my blog started when I was in the depths of grief, then stuggling after babyloss with infertility, and continued through my second pregnancy. Often when I wrote I was processing grief, fear, and anxiety. I will probably always carry grief and deal with many difficult emotions on regular basis. However, I am in a new place now with the arrival of my rainbow baby. And that big part of my life is not what this blog is going to become all about.
This blog has been the place where I am free to remember my first son Baby S openly and freely among people who understand. And I still need to check in and visit this community. These days when I miss Baby S I find myself in a delicate place where I am constantly finding myself challenged: trying to balance remembering my first son without the sadness/self-pity/anger at the same time. I struggle with that balance often. So I feel somewhat conflicted at times. I truly feel blessed and have so much gratitude for where I am right now. It's just that sometimes I have to reel myself back in from spiraling into sadness and pity and bring my focus back to acceptance.
My rainbow baby, Baby C, is doing great. :) He is a happy, healthy 7 month old. He is smiley and a giggler, and very much a busy boy. I could not count the number of times that I have thanked him and thanked the universe that he is here. I am sure I would feel incredibly grateful had this been an easy journey getting here.. but having faced the difficulties that we did I feel like I am bursting with gratitude sometimes. He is truly amazing. To borrow a line from Em.ma's Daddy, I feel like "the luckiest, unluckiest person in the world."
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
This time of year
The holiday lights, the weather, the music..everything reminds me of the loss of my first son. It was this time two years ago that his tiny body slowly died inside of me. That hole in my heart, which became significantly smaller with the arrival of my rainbow baby, feels wide open right now. My heart aches. My body and spirit feel heavy.
The tears are not falling this time around. Yet feelings of sadness, anger and the questions-- what happened?? and WHY??? swirl around in my head.
This is not the way that I feel every day, or most days even. To be honest, with baby C here I did not expect to feel this way this holiday season. I am soooo grateful and happy he is here. I really am. But my memory of Baby S, and his loss, is ingrained in my soul's memory. My love for him and wish that he were here will never fade. So I wade through these emotions again, as grief has reared its head. It is an ongoing process indeed. A process that is not easy.
The tears are not falling this time around. Yet feelings of sadness, anger and the questions-- what happened?? and WHY??? swirl around in my head.
This is not the way that I feel every day, or most days even. To be honest, with baby C here I did not expect to feel this way this holiday season. I am soooo grateful and happy he is here. I really am. But my memory of Baby S, and his loss, is ingrained in my soul's memory. My love for him and wish that he were here will never fade. So I wade through these emotions again, as grief has reared its head. It is an ongoing process indeed. A process that is not easy.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
someone who could use thoughts/prayers
First of all, I'm still here! Baby C just turned 4 months and all is well here. I am still on here mainly following blogs to offer support. I'm not ready to leave this community that helped me get through the toughest time of my life.
If you are reading this, please send out thoughts/prayers to Mo & Will from Life and Love In the Petri Dish. They have traveled a very long, difficult journey. If you go to their blog and glance at their journey so far timelime you will see that they have been through cancer, 7 IVFs and now their 6th miscarriage.
http://lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com/
My heart goes out to this couple. They have been through far too much. It just seems so unfair.
If you are reading this, please send out thoughts/prayers to Mo & Will from Life and Love In the Petri Dish. They have traveled a very long, difficult journey. If you go to their blog and glance at their journey so far timelime you will see that they have been through cancer, 7 IVFs and now their 6th miscarriage.
http://lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com/
My heart goes out to this couple. They have been through far too much. It just seems so unfair.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My rainbow baby
Like others in this blogosphere, I am finding myself at a crossroads with my blog. My rainbow baby, Baby C, is now 6 weeks old. It's been a few weeks since I've made an entry- partly because I haven't had the time.. but also because I am navigating my way into this new phase in my life and subsequently with my grief as well.
When I started this blog I felt so defeated. I had spent over a year ttc, underwent a surgical procedure, an IUI, and then my first son died at 21 weeks gestation. In an attempt to quickly come up with a title for the blog and came up with "not rated PG" because I was exactly that- not PG (pregnant). I was deeply hurting over the loss of my baby and was again struggling ttc.
This will not become a blog about Baby C. He is doing great and we are incredibly grateful to have him in our lives. This blog world for me will continue to be a place where I will offer support to others in their journeys and also process my thoughts and feelings about babyloss and infertility- which although may not define me, will always be a part of me.
Before my rainbow baby arrived, like many coping with babyloss and infertility, it was hard for me to read about successful pregnancies. Although I felt truly happy for those who have gone through similar struggles, I could not relate when reading about their rainbow babies when I was struggling to conceive, then in the thick of my grief, then going through fertility treatments, and then coping with the anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy.
When Baby S died, one thing that my obgyn said to me was that the grief would get easier over time- and when I would eventually bring home a (living) baby. Now that I finally have a baby in my arms, the hole in my hear is still there... however, it is no longer gaping. Despite the joy of having a newborn, I still have my moments of sorrow.
When I started this blog I felt so defeated. I had spent over a year ttc, underwent a surgical procedure, an IUI, and then my first son died at 21 weeks gestation. In an attempt to quickly come up with a title for the blog and came up with "not rated PG" because I was exactly that- not PG (pregnant). I was deeply hurting over the loss of my baby and was again struggling ttc.
This will not become a blog about Baby C. He is doing great and we are incredibly grateful to have him in our lives. This blog world for me will continue to be a place where I will offer support to others in their journeys and also process my thoughts and feelings about babyloss and infertility- which although may not define me, will always be a part of me.
Before my rainbow baby arrived, like many coping with babyloss and infertility, it was hard for me to read about successful pregnancies. Although I felt truly happy for those who have gone through similar struggles, I could not relate when reading about their rainbow babies when I was struggling to conceive, then in the thick of my grief, then going through fertility treatments, and then coping with the anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy.
When Baby S died, one thing that my obgyn said to me was that the grief would get easier over time- and when I would eventually bring home a (living) baby. Now that I finally have a baby in my arms, the hole in my hear is still there... however, it is no longer gaping. Despite the joy of having a newborn, I still have my moments of sorrow.
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