Hi, blog friends! I'm still out here following my blog peeps-- but I have let WAY too much time pass without posting. So it's time for a brief update from me on my rainbow baby, baby loss grief, and finally..I am trying (unsuccessfully so far) to conceive again.
First off, Baby C is doing awesome. He is happy, healthy guy who is about to turn ONE! Just like everyone says, the time flies. I have enjoyed every moment with him and am incredibly grateful each day for him.
On the baby loss front, the grief does creep up on me at times... but much less frequently than it used to. Not a day goes by that I do not think of Baby S- he is with me always. For a while I felt like I was seeing baby boys everywhere I looked who would be the same age as my Baby S- and that really tugs at my heartstrings. Having a baby in my arms certainly helps with the grief, and perhaps as time continues to move forward from our loss. However, I have had a few days where my heart is just plain heavy in grief over Baby S. But overall, I try and am able maintain a pretty decent balance.
So I am happy to have a healthy baby and am managing my grief... but I'm TTC again, which I suppose is the main thing driving me to get blogging again. Now here is the update on that...DH and I decided that as soon as we were ready and able to, we wanted to start TTC again. In January, I had just stopped nursing and was feeling relatively good physically. At that time, our journey to start a family began 3.5 years earlier and I was 36.5 years old (now 37). So we figured if we are going to try and we feel up for it- let's do it.
Despite having dealt with unexplained infertility previously and my 2 pregnancies were the result of IUI and IVF... A big part of me hoped that this time would be different. That somehow just like I experienced an unexplained "fluke" that took my baby, and unexplained infertility... I was holding out hope that I would have an unexplained happy suprise once I started trying. Well, that didn't happen. So here I am. I definitely feel less stressed this go around, probably because I am blessed with one living child. Also, I'm not sure if I am up for the battle. Anyway, I decided to make an appointment with the RE just to touch base, evaluate the status, find out my current FSH level etc.
I'm not sure where my journey will go at this point. One thing that I have learned from this blog community is when you want a baby, you want a baby. That's not a question for me. Until now, I have avoided thinking about what I would be willing to go through to get there.
I'd love to hear from you all. I'm glad that two years in to this community, I am reading many success stories and stories filled with hope of those I have been following. There are still a couple of friends who I can't wrap my brain around how they have been put through so much. Needless to say, I appreciate this community and look forward to our continued support of one another.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Just Checking In!
Although I have blogged very little over the past seven months since Baby C arrived, I have continued to hop on here to offer support to others dealing with babyloss or who are struggling with infertility regularly. I think of my blog friends often, keep everyone's journeys in my thoughts and prayers, and celebrate others' progress.
The main reason for not writing much, I suppose, is my wanting to stay present during this precious time with my rainbow baby C. You see, my blog started when I was in the depths of grief, then stuggling after babyloss with infertility, and continued through my second pregnancy. Often when I wrote I was processing grief, fear, and anxiety. I will probably always carry grief and deal with many difficult emotions on regular basis. However, I am in a new place now with the arrival of my rainbow baby. And that big part of my life is not what this blog is going to become all about.
This blog has been the place where I am free to remember my first son Baby S openly and freely among people who understand. And I still need to check in and visit this community. These days when I miss Baby S I find myself in a delicate place where I am constantly finding myself challenged: trying to balance remembering my first son without the sadness/self-pity/anger at the same time. I struggle with that balance often. So I feel somewhat conflicted at times. I truly feel blessed and have so much gratitude for where I am right now. It's just that sometimes I have to reel myself back in from spiraling into sadness and pity and bring my focus back to acceptance.
My rainbow baby, Baby C, is doing great. :) He is a happy, healthy 7 month old. He is smiley and a giggler, and very much a busy boy. I could not count the number of times that I have thanked him and thanked the universe that he is here. I am sure I would feel incredibly grateful had this been an easy journey getting here.. but having faced the difficulties that we did I feel like I am bursting with gratitude sometimes. He is truly amazing. To borrow a line from Em.ma's Daddy, I feel like "the luckiest, unluckiest person in the world."
The main reason for not writing much, I suppose, is my wanting to stay present during this precious time with my rainbow baby C. You see, my blog started when I was in the depths of grief, then stuggling after babyloss with infertility, and continued through my second pregnancy. Often when I wrote I was processing grief, fear, and anxiety. I will probably always carry grief and deal with many difficult emotions on regular basis. However, I am in a new place now with the arrival of my rainbow baby. And that big part of my life is not what this blog is going to become all about.
This blog has been the place where I am free to remember my first son Baby S openly and freely among people who understand. And I still need to check in and visit this community. These days when I miss Baby S I find myself in a delicate place where I am constantly finding myself challenged: trying to balance remembering my first son without the sadness/self-pity/anger at the same time. I struggle with that balance often. So I feel somewhat conflicted at times. I truly feel blessed and have so much gratitude for where I am right now. It's just that sometimes I have to reel myself back in from spiraling into sadness and pity and bring my focus back to acceptance.
My rainbow baby, Baby C, is doing great. :) He is a happy, healthy 7 month old. He is smiley and a giggler, and very much a busy boy. I could not count the number of times that I have thanked him and thanked the universe that he is here. I am sure I would feel incredibly grateful had this been an easy journey getting here.. but having faced the difficulties that we did I feel like I am bursting with gratitude sometimes. He is truly amazing. To borrow a line from Em.ma's Daddy, I feel like "the luckiest, unluckiest person in the world."
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
This time of year
The holiday lights, the weather, the music..everything reminds me of the loss of my first son. It was this time two years ago that his tiny body slowly died inside of me. That hole in my heart, which became significantly smaller with the arrival of my rainbow baby, feels wide open right now. My heart aches. My body and spirit feel heavy.
The tears are not falling this time around. Yet feelings of sadness, anger and the questions-- what happened?? and WHY??? swirl around in my head.
This is not the way that I feel every day, or most days even. To be honest, with baby C here I did not expect to feel this way this holiday season. I am soooo grateful and happy he is here. I really am. But my memory of Baby S, and his loss, is ingrained in my soul's memory. My love for him and wish that he were here will never fade. So I wade through these emotions again, as grief has reared its head. It is an ongoing process indeed. A process that is not easy.
The tears are not falling this time around. Yet feelings of sadness, anger and the questions-- what happened?? and WHY??? swirl around in my head.
This is not the way that I feel every day, or most days even. To be honest, with baby C here I did not expect to feel this way this holiday season. I am soooo grateful and happy he is here. I really am. But my memory of Baby S, and his loss, is ingrained in my soul's memory. My love for him and wish that he were here will never fade. So I wade through these emotions again, as grief has reared its head. It is an ongoing process indeed. A process that is not easy.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
someone who could use thoughts/prayers
First of all, I'm still here! Baby C just turned 4 months and all is well here. I am still on here mainly following blogs to offer support. I'm not ready to leave this community that helped me get through the toughest time of my life.
If you are reading this, please send out thoughts/prayers to Mo & Will from Life and Love In the Petri Dish. They have traveled a very long, difficult journey. If you go to their blog and glance at their journey so far timelime you will see that they have been through cancer, 7 IVFs and now their 6th miscarriage.
http://lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com/
My heart goes out to this couple. They have been through far too much. It just seems so unfair.
If you are reading this, please send out thoughts/prayers to Mo & Will from Life and Love In the Petri Dish. They have traveled a very long, difficult journey. If you go to their blog and glance at their journey so far timelime you will see that they have been through cancer, 7 IVFs and now their 6th miscarriage.
http://lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com/
My heart goes out to this couple. They have been through far too much. It just seems so unfair.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
My rainbow baby
Like others in this blogosphere, I am finding myself at a crossroads with my blog. My rainbow baby, Baby C, is now 6 weeks old. It's been a few weeks since I've made an entry- partly because I haven't had the time.. but also because I am navigating my way into this new phase in my life and subsequently with my grief as well.
When I started this blog I felt so defeated. I had spent over a year ttc, underwent a surgical procedure, an IUI, and then my first son died at 21 weeks gestation. In an attempt to quickly come up with a title for the blog and came up with "not rated PG" because I was exactly that- not PG (pregnant). I was deeply hurting over the loss of my baby and was again struggling ttc.
This will not become a blog about Baby C. He is doing great and we are incredibly grateful to have him in our lives. This blog world for me will continue to be a place where I will offer support to others in their journeys and also process my thoughts and feelings about babyloss and infertility- which although may not define me, will always be a part of me.
Before my rainbow baby arrived, like many coping with babyloss and infertility, it was hard for me to read about successful pregnancies. Although I felt truly happy for those who have gone through similar struggles, I could not relate when reading about their rainbow babies when I was struggling to conceive, then in the thick of my grief, then going through fertility treatments, and then coping with the anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy.
When Baby S died, one thing that my obgyn said to me was that the grief would get easier over time- and when I would eventually bring home a (living) baby. Now that I finally have a baby in my arms, the hole in my hear is still there... however, it is no longer gaping. Despite the joy of having a newborn, I still have my moments of sorrow.
When I started this blog I felt so defeated. I had spent over a year ttc, underwent a surgical procedure, an IUI, and then my first son died at 21 weeks gestation. In an attempt to quickly come up with a title for the blog and came up with "not rated PG" because I was exactly that- not PG (pregnant). I was deeply hurting over the loss of my baby and was again struggling ttc.
This will not become a blog about Baby C. He is doing great and we are incredibly grateful to have him in our lives. This blog world for me will continue to be a place where I will offer support to others in their journeys and also process my thoughts and feelings about babyloss and infertility- which although may not define me, will always be a part of me.
Before my rainbow baby arrived, like many coping with babyloss and infertility, it was hard for me to read about successful pregnancies. Although I felt truly happy for those who have gone through similar struggles, I could not relate when reading about their rainbow babies when I was struggling to conceive, then in the thick of my grief, then going through fertility treatments, and then coping with the anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy.
When Baby S died, one thing that my obgyn said to me was that the grief would get easier over time- and when I would eventually bring home a (living) baby. Now that I finally have a baby in my arms, the hole in my hear is still there... however, it is no longer gaping. Despite the joy of having a newborn, I still have my moments of sorrow.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Weeks 1 & 2
Thank you for the wonderful congratulatory notes! We are incredibly happy that baby C is here!! It has been a busy and exciting 12 days with him. He is teaching us so much and we are enjoying loving him to bits.
I was happy to learn the great news of the other rainbow babies that arrived recently!!! Congratulations again to you.
Although I haven't had the free hands to type, I have been keeping up on my blog reading and continue to do so. Still following your journeys and sending lots of positive thoughts and vibes to everyone ttc, dealing with baby loss and having rainbow babies. You all are never far from my mind!
Finally, here is a photo of our precious son. He has been a very good baby- very snuggly and sweet.
Big hugs to all!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Hello from Happy Baby Land!!! :)
On Saturday, July 10th, 2010 at 9:59 a.m. we welcomed our beautiful baby boy into the world!!! He came in at a healthy 7 lbs 15 oz and is absolutely adorable.
I was hoping to post an update sooner, but it has been a whirlwind and I did not have access to a computer until now. I look forward to catching up with my blog friends and hope things are going well with everyone.
DH, our son and I could not be happier. :) The wee one is snuggled up on my chest right at this moment as I type while reclined in the hospital bed. We are so in love with the little guy and so grateful to have arrived here.
I plan to write more about our experience over the past several days once I get home. Long story short... It was a very prolonged, unsuccessful induced labor which involved a couple of stressful episodes for the baby. After 25 hrs of active labor I finally ended up having a c-section. Definitely not the quickest or easiest birth experience, but all that matters is he arrived safely- and that is all that we have cared about throughout our journey.
Big Hugs to everyone! Will update again soon. In the meantime, I will be catching up on your blogs.
I was hoping to post an update sooner, but it has been a whirlwind and I did not have access to a computer until now. I look forward to catching up with my blog friends and hope things are going well with everyone.
DH, our son and I could not be happier. :) The wee one is snuggled up on my chest right at this moment as I type while reclined in the hospital bed. We are so in love with the little guy and so grateful to have arrived here.
I plan to write more about our experience over the past several days once I get home. Long story short... It was a very prolonged, unsuccessful induced labor which involved a couple of stressful episodes for the baby. After 25 hrs of active labor I finally ended up having a c-section. Definitely not the quickest or easiest birth experience, but all that matters is he arrived safely- and that is all that we have cared about throughout our journey.
Big Hugs to everyone! Will update again soon. In the meantime, I will be catching up on your blogs.
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