Tomorrow is the day!

Looks like we will be meeting our little on at some point tomorrow (Friday)!

Our due date was on Saturday, the 3rd. Early Sunday morning I started having frequent, consistent early labor contractions and have been experiencing them ever since. I've had 2 cervical exams in the meantime and am only dilated about one to two centimeters at this point. During our last appointment we decided with our doc to proceed with an induction tomorrow. At that point I will be nearly one week late and we are sooooo ready. It's been a long and uncomfortable week.

I'm excited to meet the baby and little bit nervous about the labor/delivery. I just keep reminding myself that we can do this! And what a blessing we will receive at the end of it all.

Sending lots of positive thoughts to each of you!!

I will update with more news as soon as possible.

Nothing to report- yet!

Today is my due date! It is hard for me to even believe it. However, nothing happening yet... Just *trying* to be patient-- since I guess the baby will come when he's ready.

Thinking of everyone and wishing you all a safe and happy 4th of July!

Hopefully I will have some good news to update soon- and I look forward to yours too. :)

In 15 days

In 15 days, it will be my due date. I sometimes think of my journey to parenthood as running a marathon. I am by no means a runner and have never attempted a marathon or other lengthy run. But I imagine it to be tough challenge- grueling and painful at times- yet one achieves a sense of euphoria at the end. Although I feel present and bonded with this baby, it is hard for me to believe that in just a couple of weeks I will be holding my precious LIVE baby boy. Most parents probably feel this way to a degree. However, I have been a bit guarded throughout the past nine months. The loss of my first son was so unexpected and difficult for me, that there is a small part of me that has been in protective mode. I am confident that everything will continue to go well, but am somewhat prepared for anything. For the past four months (once I got past our previous loss point) I have been able to enjoy this pregnancy, however not a day has gone by that I have not woken up and asked myself "did I feel the baby move last night?"... In other words, "Is my baby still alive?"

Now, as my due date approaches, I feel like I have come so far. DH and I are so excited to meet our little one. Yet a small surge of anxiety has been creeping up on me every once and a while as of late. I can not help but think of the babyloss mamas who I've met who lost their little ones at full term. There was never a reason determined for our loss. One of our doctors told us "if you have to blame something, blame the placenta".. indicating the possibility that somehow the placenta had failed to provide enough nutrients and oxygen to sustain our helpless little boy's life.

So it is at this point that I feel very excited, a tiny bit fearful of the worst, but most of all READY. This journey for me began over three years ago and has involved one dead baby, multiple failed IUIs, and an IVF. The comments I've been receiving from people around me lately amuse me. "Enjoy this quiet time while you can!" "Enjoy sleep while you are able to!" The thing is, I am so ready to bring home a baby that I could care less about sleep deprivation, etc. (Watch I say that now and will be eating my words soon! ;) But I can only imagine that for all of us who have endured these difficult journeys, that hopefully the joy of bringing home our live babies will make the challenges of parenting somehow seem less difficult.

Thirty Six

The number 36 is the theme for me this week... I'm 36 weeks pregnant- and my 36th birthday is this week. Wow- on both accounts.

Baby update: We were surprised to see at this week's ultrasound that he has turned head down! Our bi-weekly ultrasounds had shown him breech since week 21. So hopefully he will decide to stay put! There are some new discomforts that come with his new position. Even though he hasn't dropped, I feel a lot of pressure in my pelvis, so no more long walks. I now get up even more frequently in the night, from both baby's movement and the added pressure on my bladder. My back aches (especially when sitting up at a desk for extended periods). At times I get a sharp pain running from my left hip down my thigh, which is apparently due to the baby resting on a nerve. However-- these are all observations, not complaints. I am so grateful to be where I am right now with this pregnancy. Overall, I'm still feeling pretty good- just READY. I'm feeling and looking big- and the belly continues to grow. The entire front of my belly is numb from what my doctor says is due to the skin being stretched. I'm most certainly waddling instead of walking. And I can tell from the looks of people that I appear as though I'm about to pop. The little one is weighing in at 5 lbs 12 oz- so he should be between 6 and 7 lbs by our due date. I can feel the baby's little bum pressing out towards my left side and his feet kicking out on my right (ouch). It is pretty amazing to put my hands on him and know which part of him I am touching. I can hold his little butt in the palm of my hand. :) I am so looking forward to seeing, smelling and holding him soon!!!

My birthday: Blah! I'm not big on birthdays when it comes to my own. And I'm really not happy about the fact that I'm 36. The past 3-plus years have been dominated by trying to conceive, baby loss, fertility treatments. It has been a long journey. I am older than I would like to be for a number of reasons and wish I could set the clock back a few years. Oh well...C'est la vie.

Sending hugs and wishing for all good things to everyone on their journeys!

Head's Up

Tomorrow I will be 34 weeks (yay! getting closer- 6 weeks till my due date!). However, yesterday's ultrasound confirmed that the baby is still breech. I figured this was going to be the case as the baby's movements and positioning of his head (which I can feel on my upper left side) have indicated. It was seeming like it had been quite some time that the baby has been upright. My husband asked the doctor when our last bi-weekly u/s showed the baby head down- and it turns out he's been sitting up in basically the same spot since week 21! So apparently I have a baby who is quite comfy right where he is- or maybe he is stubborn like his dad. ;)

According to my doc, most babies start turning head down by week 34 or 35. At this point roughly 25% of babies are breech, but then the percentage drops to about 3-4% still breech by full-term. Not sure what this will mean for us, but I am stepping up the things that I can do to try to influence the bambino to stand on his head... pelvic tilts, swimming, back to acupuncture, etc. If he doesn't flip in the next few weeks my doc could perform a version. I am not keen about the idea of manipulating the baby and possibly putting him at risk of distress, plus the success rate is only around 50/50. So we'll see what happens in the coming weeks. The last resort will be a scheduled c-section about a week prior to my due date. I'm not stressed at this point, just doing what I can and waiting to see what happens.

Hope everyone out there is doing well! Sending positive thoughts to everyone ttc, grieving babyloss, coping with subsequent pregnancy, etc.

Mother's Day

Yesterday, the eve of Mother's Day, I thought a lot about my Mom and how amazing she is. I also thought a lot about the sweet baby boy that I am so grateful to be carrying.

Today is Mother's Day and my thoughts are with all of the Mamas who have lost babies and the ones who are trying to conceive. On this day I honor all moms, most especially those who have babies who are not here on earth.

Wishing everyone a peace-filled Mother's Day!

Eight and a half weeks to go!

Only eight and a half weeks to go until our due date- I can not even believe it. It seems surreal, but we are very excited!

It has been a few weeks since my last update, so here's the latest...

I've had only had two doc appointments in the last 2 months. This was a change considering until now we've had bi-weekly ultrasounds. Although I missed being able to peek at the baby more frequently, it felt good to be on a schedule similar to a *normal* pregnancy. At 28 weeks, I started kick-charting at the same time each evening (for peace of mind). The little one has been moving around like crazy! Most days when I touch my belly I can feel a part of the baby and have been trying to figure out which body part I am touching. At my doc appointment this week, I learned that what I have been thinking is a head, back or butt is in fact the baby's head. I could see on the screen that baby's face has been filling out in the cheeks :) . He's 3.5 lbs now and at this point is expected to be around 7.5 by full-term. Baby is still breech, but will hopefully turn head down within the next month. I will have an ultrasound in 4 weeks to check the position.

Recently I was thrown a lovely, intimate baby shower. When the topic of a shower first came up a few months back, I dreaded the idea. For one, I am not a person who likes attention. Also, all I care about is bringing home a live baby. Nothing else matters to me. Expecting parents seem to often get carried away with all of the baby "stuff", so I wasn't embracing the whole shower idea. But- when I was ready, I decided it is important that I celebrate this little one with a small group of people who are close to me.

Lately I have spoken with a few other pregnant ladies outside of the blog world who are due around the same time that I am. It is interesting how typical it is to hear complaints about the discomfort of pregnancy and how "so over it" some people are. It is apparent that these women are likely not babyloss mamas or women who struggled with infertility. Of course everyone is entitled to and needs to vent/complain a bit. However, I've noticed that everyone I've met in the blogosphere seems to possess a much greater appreciation for simply being pregnant and has a deep understanding that the sacrifices pale in comparison to the gift of carrying a baby. I want to say to some of these people "seriously, things could be more difficult." But instead I quietly observe.

When I look in the mirror these days I can see that my face is looking more and more content. I can feel my heart getting fuller too. Yet there is that part of me that is always missing Baby S. He should be with us as we get closer to meeting this little one. It kills me each time a stranger asks "is this your first [baby]?" And I feel obliged to say yes. Baby S you are always our first child! We miss you and we love you, Baby S. Perhaps as my heart continues to become fuller, that hole in it will begin to feel less sad.. and more like something that is simply at part of me.